MITCH: Hello, and welcome to "The Imp Report". I'm Mitch...

LARRY: And I'm Larry. Glad you could join us. (He shuffles the papers in front of him.) Folks, there's a serious illness plaguing the galaxy. No, I'm not talking about the Rebellion, or the Crimson Plague...(he grins) It's Olympic Fever! It's spreading like wildfire! Have you got the fever, Mitch?

MITCH: Heck, yeah!

LARRY: Good, because we've got--

MITCH: I mean, I'm tingling in places we aren't even allowed to discuss on the air...

LARRY: (stares for a moment) Okay...At any rate, big things have been happening at the Olympics this first week. We start with Track and Field--where tragedy struck during the javelin toss. The Quarren team, heady from their victory over the Mon Calamari in the synchronized swimming competition, were the clear favorites. But their star athlete had apparently been celebrating too much with the blue milk, for his javelin toss went horribly astray, impaling the judge representing the Hutt systems. When asked about the incident, the athlete drunkenly slurred, "Hey! She looked like my ex-wife..." (he chuckles)

MITCH: (scowling) That's not funny.

LARRY: Oh?

MITCH: She actually *was* my ex-wife! (he fights back a sob) We were gonna try and get back together after the games...I bought her favorite froggy treats and...and...

LARRY: (resting a hand on MITCH's shoulder) It's okay. Let it go.

MITCH: (taking a deep breath) I'm all right. (he turns to the camera) Moving from tragedy to comedy, as we take a look at the weightlifting competition...Where Sith apprentice Darth Maul couldn't seem to--

LARRY: Wait a minute--Darth Maul? Isn't he dead?

MITCH: Apparently not.

LARRY: Wow. Shouldn't underestimate the power of merchandising, I guess.

MITCH: As I was saying, Darth Maul seemed to have a bit of difficulty with his weightlifting--toppling backward off the podium before the weights had even been attached...

MITCH: The weightlifting category was also marred by controversy generated by the Wookiee team. They handily captured the gold medal in this category--but were soon disqualified when one of their members was accused of spice use. When confronted with the allegations, the Wookiee in question, WakkaChakka, snapped off a few of the security guards' arms and screamed, quote, "Ooooooraaahhhh! Rooaaaaaaaaahhh! Roofff! Arf! Arf! Arf! Aaaaarrooooo!"

LARRY: Which, roughly translated, means, "Bite me." The offending player was of course dealt with in the most courteous of manners...

MITCH: (shaking his head) It's always a tragedy when one player ruins the spirit for everyone else...But those Wookiee burgers were darn good...

LARRY: Moving on to the Ewok Toss, the gold medal was grabbed by the Trandoshan named Teroskk, who threw an Ewok an astonishing forty-seven meters. When presented with his medal, Teroskk said, a bit confusedly, "What? You mean you can win prizes for that?"

MITCH: And in the Dance competition...(he snickers)

LARRY: (trying to restrain a laugh) This is a very important competition, Mitch. They work really hard...

MITCH: Yeah, it's right up there with the Ronto Milking contest...

(They break down, laughing. After a few moments, LARRY suddenly puts a finger to a receiver in his ear, listening intently.)

LARRY: We're getting some breaking news, folks. Apparently, something's happening at the Olympic Coliseum. We take you live to our reporter, Chip Charger. Chip, can you hear us?

(CHIP's voice comes over the speakers, filled with static. Screaming and crashing noises can be heard in the background.)

CHIP: I can hear you, Larry! Tell Mitch I'm sorry about his ex-wife!

(MITCH lets out a sob, puts his head in his hands.)

LARRY: Chip, what's going on?

CHIP: Chaos, Larry! The Olympic Coliseum has been invaded by giants!

LARRY: Excuse me? It sounded like you said giants...

CHIP: That's right! They--wait! There they are! Get that camera working! Get that camera--

(Suddenly an image appears on the screen):

LARRY: Holy--!

CHIP: It was like they appeared from nowhere, Larry! They're tearing up buildings...picking people up and tossing them about like...like *action figures*! They--Oh, no! They've seen us! Hurry! RUN!!! RU-- *ksssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh*

(The signal dissolves into static. LARRY and MITCH stare at each other for several moments.)

LARRY: Dude, you owe me twenty credits. I *told* you something would go wrong if they put the Neimoidians in charge of preparations...

(MITCH sulkily forks over the credits.)

LARRY: (turning to the camera) Well, folks, it seems this year's Olympics are going to be cut a bit short. So we may as well just wrap up this report. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Larry...

MITCH: And I'm Mitch. Until next time, remember...

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