MITCH: Hello, and welcome to "The Imp Report". I'm Mitch--

LARRY: And I'm Larry! Today we'll be dealing with a rumor that has been plaguing the Emperor for years--namely, the fate of the Jedi.

MITCH: That's right, Larry. To hear the *Rebels* speak of it, you'd think that the Jedi were all exterminated. Hunted down by our glorious Emperor and his aide, Darth Vader.

LARRY: Well, that's just a darn lie!

MITCH: Indeed. While the Emperor *was* forced to deal with this dangerous cult that was polluting the minds of our children, he didn't have to resort to violence. That's not his way.

LARRY: Heck, no! The truth of the matter is that these poor, benighted individuals were "de-programmed". Using a combination of aroma therapy, active intervention, karaoke, and, in some extreme cases, the "mind-meld" as seen here--

--these deluded folk were brought back into the fold of society. Retrained with new skills so that they might *benefit* the galaxy.

MITCH: Take a close look at your doorman, your waitress, your transport driver, your janitor; they may once have been among the Jedi elite.

LARRY: But we know there may be some folk out there who doubt all this, who may be giving credence to the Rebel propaganda. And if you are...(he looks sternly into the camera) We...will...FIND YOU.

(MITCH nudges LARRY, gives him a warning look.)

MITCH: What Larry means to say is that we're here to change your mind. In fact, we've arranged an interview with one of these former Jedi. He used to be known as Yaddle, and sat on the Jedi Council. Since his de-programming, he's known as Alphonse, owner and proprietor of the Daring Do hair salon. Alphonse, can you hear us...?

(The screen flickers, and ALPHONSE appears on-screen:)

ALPHONSE: I hear you, honey!

MITCH: Alphonse, a lot's been said about what happened to you and your fellow Jedi. But I look at you and see someone who's rebuilt his life. Your hairstyles are the craze among Moffs, potentates, ambassadors...In fact, wasn't it you who came up with Princess Leia's famous "buns on the side of the head" look?

ALPHONSE: Yes, indeed. She wanted to go with something a little more traditional, but I told her, "Girlfriend, the pastry look is IN. The boys are going to be knocking down your door." And by golly, they sure did, didn't they?

LARRY: With all your fame and fortune, do you ever look back on your past life and regret giving it up? Ever wish you were back running around the galaxy, swinging that lightsaber again...?

ALPHONSE: I could swing with the best of 'em, baby. But do I miss it? Not really. Basically, I just spent most of my time lying around in an aluminum chair, listening to a bald guy nattering on about "vergences in the Force" and such. I mean--HELLO? Boooooring! Gimme hair dryers and curling irons over that any day! (he pauses) Whatever happened to Mace, anyway?

LARRY: He's my speeder bike mechanic. Does a bang-up job, too.

ALPHONSE: Well, good for him. He always did like--(he breaks off, frowns as he looks off-camera) Jorge? JORGE!!! The hair gel goes in the other cabinet! The other--! That's it, sweetie...(he turns back to the camera, rolls his eyes.) I swear, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do with that boy...

MITCH: I'm sure I don't want to know.

LARRY: Well, it's been a pleasure having you here, Alphonse. Before we go, I was wondering if you could fit me into your busy schedule? Think you could do anything with this hair of mine?

ALPHONSE: Only if I had a couple of proton torpedoes, honey! Seriously, have you *ever* heard of conditioner?

MITCH: Ouch.

LARRY: Anything else you want to say to our viewing public?

ALPHONSE: Just that people should stop wasting so much time worrying over what became of the Jedi. We had a good, long run, but nothing in this galaxy is eternal. Except great hair.

MITCH: Wise words, from a wise man. Thank you, Alphonse.

(ALPHONSE's image vanishes, and MITCH and LARRY turn back to face the camera.)

LARRY: That's all for this report. Until next time, I'm Larry...

MITCH: And I'm Mitch. Be sure to stay tuned, because coming up after the break is an important medical bulletin: "Blue Milk: The Silent Killer". And remember...

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