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Those Naked, Naked Wookiees
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(The Imperial logo appears on screen, accompanied by the Imperial March music. Logo and music gradually fade, to show Mitch and Larry sitting at an anchor desk.) MITCH: Hello, and welcome to "The Imp Report". I'm Mitch-- LARRY: And I'm Larry! MITCH: (looking sternly into the camera) Nudity. You might not think it's such a bad thing. LARRY: Especially if you've picked up this month's issue of Dirty Sith. (he holds up the magazine) Just 7.95 at loyal retailers near you. MITCH: (looking askance at LARRY) Yes. But as I was saying-- LARRY: I mean, have you *seen* this Mara Jade centerfold? Two words, people: Va. VOOM! MITCH: (scowling) As I was SAY-ing...(he throws LARRY a warning look, then turns back to the camera)...Alien nudity is a problem that seems to be increasing by the day. It was bad enough with just those fat Hutts lounging around without a lick of clothing--but at least they usually keep to themselves. But *Wookiees*...they're on our streets, in our cantinas... LARRY: It's even gotten to the point where you can buy illegal holovids like this--(he holds up a box)--"Wookiees Gone Wild". Just a bunch of young Wookiees all liquored up and trying to titillate the viewers. MITCH: Their parents must be *so* proud. And I really don't want to know why you have that video, Larry. LARRY: It's...uh...research. (he hurriedly tucks the box away) Yeah. That's it. MITCH: (clearly not convinced) Right. (he turns back to the camera)...The point is, folks, that this problem has to be stopped. I've been to Kasshyyyk--and, thanks to years of the Empire's unyielding moralization efforts, the Wookiees there actually do wear clothes now. LARRY: Really quite fashionable clothes, too. I mean, did you that sassy little number their chieftain was wearing last week at the slave drive? MITCH: I know! That was the most darling--(he stops, clears his throat in embarassment)...Anyway, the system works. It's all the off-world, undomesticated Wookiees that are the problem. Think about it: when you see that Wookiee sitting in that cantina booth, do you really want to be the next person who sits there? You don't know where that Wookiee's been! What he's been eating, what kind of diseases he might be carrying....Am I right, Larry? Larry? (MITCH turns to see LARRY leaning back in his seat reading his copy of Dirty Sith.) LARRY: (without looking up) Did you know that Mara's turn-ons are beat poetry and men who aren't afraid to cry? (MITCH snatches the magazine away.) LARRY: Aww, man! MITCH: In an effort to stamp out this rampant problem, the Empire has instituted a "Nude Wookiees are Rude Wookiees" program. If you see one of these shameless beasts, report it to your local authorities. The offending creature will be detained and...re-educated. LARRY: And you'll get a lovely tee-shirt. (He holds up a shirt that says I HELPED CRUSH THE SPIRIT OF A WOOKIEE, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.) It's a win-win situation! MITCH: So, to summarize--naked Wookiees, bad. LARRY: But naked Mara, good! (he grins) (MITCH shakes his head in exasperation, then looks to the camera.) MITCH: And that's it for this report. But stay tuned, because after the break, Jenny Bluescreen offers up her latest hard-hitting investigation: "Spontaneous Human Combustion: The Indisputable Proof"...
LARRY: And I'm Larry, reminding you that...
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