MITCH: Hello, and welcome to the Imp Report. I'm Mitch...

LARRY: And I'm Larry. We've got some exciting news for you today, good citizens--for we've just been informed of a grand victory against the Rebellion on the remote ice world of Hoth.

MITCH: Lovely world. You ever been there, Larry?

LARRY: Can't say that I have.

MITCH: The skiing there is FANtastic.

LARRY: You didn't eat any yellow snow, did you?

MITCH: Sure, I did. The tour guide said it was a delicacy.

(LARRY stares at him.)

MITCH: What?

LARRY: (shaking his head) Anyway, reports indicate that Lord Vader's fleet has completely routed the Rebel forces. The official word--

MITCH: --and as we know, the official word is the only word that matters--

LARRY: The official word is..."Mission Accomplished". Of course, in the interests of journalistic integrity, it must be noted that a few isolated bands of rebels did manage to slip through the blockade, but they pose no serious threat. For all intents and purposes, the Rebellion is dead.

MITCH: Yeah, it's not like they have a Jedi working with them or anything.

(The two of them look at each other and laugh.)

MITCH: For more on this story, we take you live to our Man-on-the-Spot, Chip Charger. Chip, can you hear us?

(The picture changes, to show a man in a parka standing in a snowfield. His left hand is raised to touch his earpiece, his right hand is holding a microphone with the Imperial logo on it.)

CHIP: Mitch, Larry, I'm standing here outside the remains of the Rebels' so-called Echo Base. But the only things echoing here now are the victorious cries of our brave boys in white.

LARRY: What can you tell us about the operation, Chip?

CHIP: Larry, at 07:19 Galactic Standard Time, a strike team lead by General Veers descended to the planet's surface. Using AT-ATs and AT-STs, they easily crushed the Rebel opposition and successfully destroyed the generator powering the base's shield--at which point, Lord Vader himself led our troops into the base.

MITCH: Such an inspiring leader. Were you able to get an interview, by any chance?

CHIP: We did try. We managed to catch up with Lord Vader just after a Rebel ship designated the--(he consults a datapad)--the Millenium Falcon escaped from the hangar. Vader only spared enough time to strangle our field producer before going on his way.

LARRY: Well, he is a busy man.

CHIP: He is indeed.

MITCH: What's the atmosphere like there?

CHIP: Oh, you know--oxygen, nitrogen, a few other gases....Ha! Get it?

LARRY: We got it, Chip.

CHIP: Because the word atmosphere--

MITCH: We *got* it, Chip...

CHIP: Ah, I kill me. But seriously--the atmosphere here is electric. Not only amongst our troops, but amongst the natives, as well. These tauntauns are mooing their heads off with joy. Or maybe it's more of a bleating. It's hard to tell. At any rate, they're glad to see us. Can you believe that the Rebels were actually *enslaving* these gentle and noble creatures?

LARRY: Those barbarians.

CHIP: That reign of tyranny is at an end, now. The tauntauns are clearly thrilled that their world will now be held in the benevolent hand of our glorious Emperor.

(Behind CHIP, a pair of Snowtroopers wander into the picture. They stop, and begin waving at the camera.)

MITCH: Chip, we've been receiving some reports that there's some kind of monster on Hoth that's been attacking our troops. Can you tell us anything about that?

CHIP: Those are just scurrilous lies, Mitch. There is nothing on this world that the Empire can't handle.

LARRY: That's very comforting to hear.

(Behind CHIP, a pair of Wampa arms reach out to grab the two Snowtroopers who are still waving at the camera, and yank them off-screen. CHIP glances that way, and goes a little pale.)

CHIP: Uh...

(Roars and screams can be heard off-screen.)

MITCH: Chip, are you all right? Are you in any danger?

(Pieces of armor begin to fly back into the picture.)

CHIP: (Constantly glancing off-screen) Danger? Uh...no. No, of course not. I'm surrounded by the finest military force in the galaxy.

LARRY: What's going on, there?

CHIP: (gesturing off-camera shakily) That? Oh, that's...that's just a Snow Ewok. Yeah. Cuddly little critter.

LARRY: What about that screaming?

CHIP: Those...those are screams of happiness, Larry. That soldier was just telling me a few minutes ago about how he'd always wanted an Ewok of his very own. And boy howdy, he's sure got one now--all...all thanks to his service to our Emperor.

MITCH: You know, it's the stories like that that really put a human face on this conflict.

LARRY: It sure is, Mitch. Chip, we know you're busy, so we won't keep you any longer.

(The roaring of the wampa gets louder)

CHIP: (looking near to panic) Sure thing, guys. Live from Hoth--at least for the moment--this is Chip Charger, signing off.

(CHIP bolts off-screen--then the picture dissolves to static. The image changes back to MITCH and LARRY at their desk.)

LARRY: A glorious victory, wouldn't you say, Mitch?

MITCH: I sure would, Larry. This will be a day long remembered.

LARRY: Hey, that's catchy.

MITCH: (looking into the camera) Once again, the Empire has defeated the Rebellion on Hoth, and the galaxy is that much safer as a result. Until next time, I'm Mitch...

LARRY: And I'm Larry, reminding you that...

© 1998-2004 rabidbantha@hotmail.com