PALPATINE: Jero, a fine good morning to you!

JERO: And you, sir.

PALPATINE: How was that banana nut bread I baked for you and that lovely family of yours?

JERO: It was quite good, sir, thank you. Doreen asked me to get the recipe from you.

PALPATINE: Of course, of course. Because you know, nothing says lovin'--

JERO: --like something from the oven. Yes, sir. You've told me before.

PALPATINE: (clapping his hands together) So, what's on the docket for today, Jero?

JERO: (scanning his datapad) Well, at nine you have a meeting with the budgetary committee--

PALPATINE: BO-ring!

JERO: At ten it's a meet-and-greet with the new Rakatan amabassador. From eleven to one you've got a benefit luncheon for the Hug a Kitten Foundation. At one-thirty you're meeting with your Adopt a Skyway litter prevention group, and at two you're going to Master Yoda's surprise birthday party.

PALPATINE: Oh, I hope he likes what I got him.

JERO: I'm sure he will, sir. Who could resist the allure of deely-bobbers?

PALPATINE: Exactly!

JERO: Your first appointment of the day, however, is already here. I passed him in the reception lounge.

PALPATINE: So, who is it?

JERO: His name is...(he consults his datapad)...Stabby Maimkill.

PALPATINE: Gosh, that's an awfully sinister name, isn't it? What does he want?

JERO: He's a pig farmer, sir. Wants to speak to you about some funding.

PALPATINE: A pig farmer. Really.

JERO: Yes, sir.

PALPATINE: Did he bring any piglets with him? 'Cause those things are just so cute with their little curly-cue tails and--

JERO: Sir, remember that discussion we had about focus? This is the time for that.

PALPATINE: Oh, Jero, you're just determined to suck all the fun out of life, aren't you?

JERO: Yes, sir. That is my sworn goal.

PALPATINE: (sighing) Oh, well. Go ahead and send him in.

(JERO leaves and returns moments later with a pasty-skinned older man in a ragged dark cloak.)

PALPATINE: (smiling broadly) What can I do for you, sir?

(MAIMKILL's face twitches momentarily, then he gets his expression under control.)

MAIMKILL: I've come to see if you'd offer some funding for my pig farm, Senator. I have just a small operation, but I think I produce a quality product. I've brought you a sample, if you'd do me the honor of trying it.

(MAIMKILL holds out a plastic bag filled with bacon strips in one gnarled hand.)

PALPATINE: (accepting the bag) Well, I do love a good bacon...

MAIMKILL: (with a sinister grin) Oh, I think you'll find it quite...unique. Heh. Heh-heh-heh. AHAHAHAHA--

(MAIMKILL breaks off, noticing both PALPATINE and JERO staring at him. He clears his throat.)

MAIMKILL: Sorry. I, uh...was just thinking of something funny that happened to a friend of mine.

(PALPATINE and JERO exchange a glance.)

MAIMKILL: I, uh...I guess you just had to be there. Heh.

(With a curious look at MAIMKILL, PALPATINE bites into a slice of bacon. His eyes widen.)

PALPATINE: Hey, this is really good!

MAIMKILL: (bowing his head) You honor me.

PALPATINE: (talking around mouthfuls of bacon as he continues to scarf more down) This is...wow. Bacon of the gods. Jero, you've gotta try this!

JERO: No thank you, sir. I'm not comfortable eating anything that once wallowed in mud.

(PALPATINE finishes off the bacon, then looks back to MAIMKILL.)

PALPATINE: I'm really quite impressed, Master Maimkill. I can't guarantee I can get you any funding, but I will be giving it some serious consideration.

MAIMKILL: No rush, Senator. I'm sure that in time you'll come around to my way of thinking... (he grins darkly)

(Hours later, PALPATINE is on a dais before a crowded banquet hall. He addresses the audience:)

PALPATINE: My friends, we're here because of a shared goal. Like many of you, I once thought, in my foolish, foolish pride, that I was hugging enough kittens every day. But one man showed me the error of my ways--the founder of this grand foundation. A brilliant, visionary man who made me realize that we have to hug as many kittens as we can, as often as we can, because doing so generates ripples in the Force that spread out and touch other lives. Think of what the power of million, a trillion kitten hugs could do! We could end suffering in this galaxy as we know it! And it's all because of this man right here!

(PALPATINE points at a pudgy middle-aged man sitting on the dais beside him--and suddenly a bolt of blue lightning shoots out of PALPATINE'S fingertip, crackling around the man as he drops to the floor. PALPATINE looks at the man in shock, then looks at his finger.)

PALPATINE: Oh, my...

(Later still, as night begins to fall of Coruscant, PALPATINE returns to his darkened office. A voice floats out of the shadows:)

MAIMKILL: Did you have a good day, Senator?

PALPATINE: (jerking back in surprise as MAIMKILL steps out into his view) Gah! What are you doing here?

MAIMKILL: Just checking up on my investment.

PALPATINE: No offense, but I think I might have to pass on funding your pig farm, Master Maimkill. The weirdest things have been happening to me today since I ate that bacon. I've electrocuted four people with lightning from my fingertips.

MAIMKILL: Indeed?

PALPATINE: Yes. Do you have any idea what that's done to my manicure? Alphonse down at the salon is going to be furious when he sees these cuticules! And each time it's gotten worse! I actually had to skip Yoda's birthday party...and a guy who cut me off in traffic actually choked to death for no apparent reason!

MAIMKILL: (raising his hands triumphantly) It worked! IT WORKED!

PALPATINE: What worked?

MAIMKILL: Senator, that was no ordinary bacon I gave you.

PALPATINE: It wasn't?

MAIMKILL: (chuckling and shaking his head) Oh, no. It was Sith bacon.

PALPATINE: Come again?

MAIMKILL: Sith bacon. Taken from pigs that have fed from the trough of the Dark Side. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(PALPATINE stares at him.)

PALPATINE: I don't get it.

MAIMKILL: It's quite simple, Senator. My pig farm lies above the burial ground of Revan, an ancient Sith Lord. The land itself is saturated with Dark Side energy. I feed my pigs from plants grown in that land--and the pigs themselves become imbued with dark power. Generation after generation of pigs I've raised there, each one more charged with evil than the last. And now you have eaten their bacon and been tainted by that power.

PALPATINE: Bacon filled with evil...?

MAIMKILL: Yes! Well...I did add a sprinkle of cinammon just to give it a little extra zing.

PALPATINE: You know, I *thought* I tasted some cinammon in there!

MAIMKILL: Most people just don't think of little touches like that, but I like to--agh! Enough babbling! I'm here to claim you for the Dark Side!

PALPATINE: Well, now, that doesn't sound very nice. Why do such a thing?

MAIMKILL: Because you're just too...too...chipper! Your very existence is an affront to me. (he takes on a sneering, mocking voice) "Hug a kitten. Adopt an orphan. Keep our parks clean." It sickens me!

PALPATINE: You forgot "Read to the elderly."...

MAIMKILL: That's exactly your problem! But to turn someone like you, to twist you to my own ends....Oh, yes. *That* was a challenge I would gladly take up.

PALPATINE: Well, I'm afraid you've failed. I'll never turn to evil--no matter how delicious and crispy its bacon is!

MAIMKILL: Are you quite sure?

PALPATINE: Yes! I...I...

(MAIMKILL takes a strip of crispy bacon out of his cloak and waggles it in the air before PALPATINE.)

MAIMKILL: You want this, don't you? I can feel the hunger swelling in you now.

(PALPATINE wipes away a spot of drool and tries to turn away, but can't.)

MAIMKILL: Release your appetite. Take up this bacon, swallow it down and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete...

PALPATINE: No! I can't. Must...resist...the crunchy goodness...!

(MAIMKILL waits patiently, grinning maniacally.)

(Two years later, PALPATINE is sitting in his office. His aide enters the room.)

JERO: Good morning, sir.

PALPATINE: If you say so. How did your daughter like that birthday present I got her?

JERO: (fidgeting a bit) The, um..."Little Miss Evisceration" kit was quite popular, sir.

PALPATINE: Glad to hear it.

JERO: Of course, I'm now facing lawsuits and medical bills from the parents of the other children at the party, but...

PALPATINE: Oh, I'm sure you'll come out of it fine. That girl of yours always has shown quite the spirit.

JERO: Er, yes, sir.

PALPATINE: So what am I going to be wasting my time with today?

JERO: (consults his datapad) At eight you've got a meeting with the Chancellor. Nine has you speaking before the Decapitate a Mime Foundation. And at twelve you're slated to attend a rally for the People Against Charitable Causes Coalition. First, though, you've got a meeting with a young man named Maul. He's the leader of the "Up With People" youth group.

PALPATINE: (sighing in exasperation) Well, send him in and lets get this over with...

(JERO departs and returns with a gangly young alien in tow. Young MAUL, dressed in a natty suit and tie, flashes PALPATINE a bright white grin as he shakes the Senator's hand.)

MAUL: Golly, this is exciting, Senator! Thanks for taking the time to see me!

PALPATINE: Of course, of course.

MAUL: (looking around in awe) Jeepers, I can't believe I'm actually here! Everything's so bright and shiny on Coruscant!

(PALPATINE regards MAUL a moment, as if sizing him up, then reaches for a silver plate sitting near the edge of his desk. He holds the plate out toward MAUL.)

PALPATINE: (with a sinister smile) Would you like some bacon?

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