BILLY: Excuse me, but I'm new here. Where can a guy get a decent drink?

MAN: Well, I'll tell you, but it'll cost you a finder's fee. (he pulls out a blaster, points it at BILLY) Give me all your money.

(BILLY raises an eyebrow, then reaches into his pocket to pull out his trusty rock. The would-be mugger's eyes widen at the sight of it, and he holsters his weapon and begins to back away, holding his hands out before him.)

MAN: Whoa, man. Take it easy. I didn't mean nothing by it...

BILLY: About that drink...?

MAN: (pointing down the street) Just...just a couple of blocks, and hang a right. Can't miss it!

BILLY: Thanks.(he re-pockets his rock, and the man takes off running.)

(Shaking his head, BILLY follows the directions, and soon finds himself standing in front of a rather unassuming building, with a blue neon sign above the door proclaiming it to be "Sid's". He steps inside, and as his eyes adjust to the gloom he takes in the various species sitting at the tables, the band playing in one corner, the huge circular bar in the center of the room. He heads for the bar, plops down on a stool. A middle-aged bartender comes up to him.)

BARTENDER: What'll it be?

BILLY: Give me an Ithorian Death Spore.

BARTENDER: You got it. (he whips up the drink, sets it down before BILLY, and watches him take a sip.) Hope you don't mind my saying so, son, but you're looking kind of beat.

BILLY: No argument, there. Just flew in from Gloriban VI.

BARTENDER: Lovely planet, isn't it?

BILLY: Yeah. Unfortunately, I spent half my time there being chased by hordes of teenage girls who kept screaming "Hayden, we love you!!!"....I mean, what's *that* all about?

BARTENDER: (shrugging) Broads. Who can understand 'em?

(BILLY eyes the BARTENDER more closely, his brows furrowed.)

BILLY: Do I know you? You look familiar.

BARTENDER: That's funny; I was about to say the same thing...

BILLY: Wait a minute...you look just like...Senator Palpatine! Before he went all evil!

BARTENDER: Yeah, I'm one of his clones. Name's Sid. (he extends his hand)

BILLY: (shaking hands) I'm Billy, a klone of Anakin Skywalker.

SID: (grinning) Well, small galaxy, isn't it?

BILLY: How'd a clone of Palpatine wind up running a bar on Cloud City?

SID: Well, now, *that's* a tale unto itself. See, there was this Moff--

(SID breaks off with a frown, looking at something over BILLY's shoulder. BILLY turns to look, sees a Rodian creeping toward the door.)

SID: (raising his voice to the Rodian) Hey, Neebo! You weren't trying to leave without paying again, were you?

(The Rodian throws him an obscene gesture. SID glares, then extends one hand toward the alien. Blue bolts of lightning shoot from his fingertips, crackling around the Rodian, who falls to the floor squealing.)

SID: Excuse me for a minute, Billy...

(BILLY watches SID step out from behind the bar and head toward the fallen Rodian. After a few moments, though, his attention is grabbed by a new arrival-- a young man in Jedi robes, who drops into the seat next to BILLY. BILLY watches him suspiciously, but the man seems to pay no attention to him, staring glumly at the bar.)

SID: (dusting his hands off as he returns) Deadbeats. Gotta love 'em. (He notices the Jedi and smiles) Obi!

OBI: Hey, Sid.

SID: Well, this is just doppelganger day, isn't it?

(OBI frowns at him in puzzlement. SID turns to BILLY.)

SID: Billy, meet Obi-Seven, a clone of Obi-Wan. Obi, this is Billy, a klone of Anakin Skywalker.

OBI: Hello.

BILLY: Hey. (he ponders a moment) Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time. (he shrugs) Can't remember who he is, but I remember the name...

OBI: He was a powerful Jedi who was killed by the guy that *you* were cloned from.

BILLY: Ouch. Sorry, man.

OBI: (waving it away) Don't sweat it. (he looks at SID) Give me the usual.

SID: Coming up...

(SID mixes up a fizzy pink drink, hands it over. OBI downs it in one gulp.)

SID: (to OBI) So what is it this time? Girl trouble? Or perhaps...girl trouble? Or maybe it's girl trouble?

OBI: (curling his lip) You're a funny guy, Sid.

SID: I try. (he sees BILLY's bemused look) The thing about Obi here, Billy, is that he--and all the Obi-Wan clones--were created for one purpose. And it wasn't to be warriors.

BILLY: Oh?

SID: Nope. They're designed to be love slaves.

BILLY: (glancing at OBI) Well. That...must be terrible.

OBI: (shaking his head) It's not as much fun as you'd think. I don't know what it is, but women seem to have this instinctive desire to torture me....And you know the scariest part about it? I'm actually starting to *like* it...

(BILLY and SID exchange a look. SID lays a hand on OBI's shoulder, shakes his head.)

SID: You poor, sick bastard. Here, the next drink's on me...

Later...

SID: --so the guy's all, "But you're the Emperor's clone! With you as our rallying point, we could unite the Imperial factions and crush the Republic!"

BILLY: So what'd you do?

SID: Same thing I do whenever one of these Grand Admiral wannabes comes wandering in here--told him I'd think about it if he bought a few drinks. Then when he was good and drunk, I dumped him in the back alley and stole his wallet.

OBI: You're a bad man, Sid.

SID: (shrugging) I'm the clone of a Sith Lord. What can I say?

Later still...

OBI: (sloshing his head back and forth) No, no, no, no, no. No. *hic* The *best* ones are the handmaidens. Hand. Mai. Dens. (he pokes at BILLY's chest) They're just as *hic* just as hot as the queen, usually, but without the attitude. I always have the best time with handmaidens, lemme tell ya...

(BILLY looks at him blearily, then gives a goofy grin and shakes his head.) Nope. I'm not gonna settle for no handmaiden. I'd go straight after the queen. You know why?

OBI: (throwing an arm around BILLY's shoulders and leaning in close) Why is that, Billy *hic* m'boy?

BILLY: (poking a finger down on the bar to emphasize each word) Because I...am...the KING! (he looks at SID, who's wiping the bar down with a cloth) Who's the king, Sid? Am I the king?

SID: (without looking up) You're the king, Billy...

BILLY: Got that right. And this king...(he stands up, clutching at the bar for balance)...is going to go visit the throne. (he staggers off toward the men's room...)

OBI: (raising his drink in the air) Hail to the king!

(Halfway to the restroom, BILLY passes out and slumps to the floor.)

OBI: (grinning) Some people just can't hold their liquor, huh?

SID: (with a faint smirk.) Uh-huh....Five...four...three...two...

(OBI's head smacks down on the bar as he, too, passes out.)

(SID chuckles and continues cleaning...)

Much later...

(BILLY groans, and blearily opens his eyes. He looks around, finding himself lying inside the Blazing Toad, on the floor next to the boarding ramp. Harsh morning sunlight is streaming in through the cockpit windows. As BILLY sits up, holding his head, a small piece of paper that's been lying on his chest flutters to the floor. Picking it up, he sees it's a note, and begins to read...

Nice ship you've got here, Your Highness. Took me awhile to find it. Next time, pay your bill *before* you pass out, okay?--Sid

BILLY: (climbing to his feet) Well that was pretty decent of--(he breaks off, begins to pat down his pockets) Hey, where's my wallet?

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