QUI-GON: Dude!

DOOKU: Can you feel the Force around you, my young padawan?

QUI-GON: Dude! I can totally feel it. I'm like, one with the galaxy. Or something...(he starts to rub his hands over the walls, mesmerized)

(A few Jedi passing in the hall give them distasteful looks.)

QUI-GON: (calling out to their backs) Squares!

DOOKU: Come, my young padawan, now our quest truly begins...

QUI-GON: Quest?

DOOKU: Quest. For munchies.

(They stumble out to the landing platforms, hop into an open-cockpit speeder, and go zipping away into the Corscant traffic. Dooku's driving is a bit erratic, and soon they see flashing lights behind them and hear a siren as a police cruiser approaches them.)

QUI-GON: (looking at the pursuer) Dude! Busted!

DOOKU: Let me handle this, padawan.

(They pull over to an empty landing pad, and the police cruiser settles down beside them. The PATROLMAN steps out and swaggers over to them.)

PATROLMAN: Afternoon, gentlemen.

DOOKU: Afternoon, officer.

PATROLMAN: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

DOOKU: No. Let's find out! (He stomps on the accelerator and speeds away)

QUI-GON: (glancing behind them at the dwindling policeman) Dude!

(It isn't long before the cruiser is back on their tail, and with a sigh, Dooku settles onto another landing pad. When the PATROLMAN comes over this time, he looks just a bit peeved.)

PATROLMAN: All right, sir, let me see your identification.

DOOKU: (waving his hand in front of the officer) You don't need to see my identification...

PATROLMAN: (scowling) Yes I do, sir. Now, are we going to do this the hard way?

(DOOKU frowns a moment, then nods in understanding. He turns to QUI-GON.)

DOOKU: It seems that my Mind Trick abilities have been blunted.

QUI-GON: Blunt.

(DOOKU and QUI-GON break into spluttering laughter.)

PATROLMAN: (glaring) Identification. Now.

(DOOKU rummages in his pockets, hands a card over to the PATROLMAN. The PATROLMAN stares at it a moment, then frowns at DOOKU.)

PATROLMAN: Sir, this is a library card. (He hands it back.)

DOOKU: Oh, my apologies...(he checks his pockets again) Well, it seems I left my identification in my other pants.

PATROLMAN: Really. (he leans against the speeder) Okay, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to have my deputy come out here and take a sample of your blood, to check your intoxication levels. If you make any sudden moves, I'm going to hit you with a stun bolt faster than you can say "Saruman". Is that understood?

DOOKU: Of course, officer. I'm happy to cooperate in any way.

(The DEPUTY steps out of the police cruiser, comes over and pricks DOOKU's finger with a small analyzer. The machine beeps and flashes, and the DEPUTY frowns at the readout.)

DEPUTY: (to PATROLMAN) Sir, he's flying higher than a kite. But I'm also detecting some unknown substance in his blood. It's not like any intoxicant I've seen before.

DOOKU: Oh, thaaaaaaaaaaat. (he waves it away) Those are just my midi-chlorians.

PATROLMAN: Midi-what?

QUI-GON: Midi-chlorians. Duh!

PATROLMAN: And what, pray tell, are midi-chlorians?

DOOKU: They're a microscopic life form that resides within all living cells. They continually speak to me, telling me the will of the Force.

(The PATROLMAN and his DEPUTY share a skeptical look.)

PATROLMAN: Let me see if I've got this straight. You're saying that there are microscopic creatures--

DOOKU: Yes...

PATROLMAN: --living inside you--

DOOKU: Yes...

PATROLMAN: --and they...talk to you?

DOOKU: You got it!

(The PATROLMAN and the DEPUTY exchange another look.)

PATROLMAN: Sir, step out of the vehicle, please.

DOOKU: What for?

PATROLMAN: Because I said so. And keep your hands where I can see them.

(DOOKU rolls his eyes, sighs, and climbs out of the speeder.)

QUI-GON: Dude! Just give 'em some doughnuts and maybe they'll go away.

(DOOKU stands before the PATROLMAN, who points at the lightsaber hanging at DOOKU's hip.)

PATROLMAN: What is that?

DOOKU: That's my lightsaber.

PATROLMAN: (shaking his head) No, I've seen lightsabers, and they are NOT crooked like that. Now what is it?

DEPUTY: (to PATROLMAN) Sir, I think it might be a bong.

(QUI-GON dissolves into a giggle fit.)

PATROLMAN: (to DOOKU) Sir, I'm going to have to take you and your companion into the station.

DOOKU: I can't allow that. We still haven't gotten our munchies...

PATROLMAN: (fixing DOOKU with a steady gaze) Are we going to do this the hard way, after all?

(DOOKU looks at QUI-GON, then back to the PATROLMAN, and shakes his head sadly.)

DOOKU: Yes, I'm afraid we are...

(The next morning, DOOKU is standing in the chambers of the Jedi Council.)

YODA: Disgrace, you have brought to the Jedi, Count Dooku.

DOOKU: I think you're blowing this way out of proportion, Master Yoda.

(A mutter of discontent comes from the other Council members.)

MACE WINDU: You and your padawan inhaled a highly narcotic and addictive--not to mention illegal--substance, and went on a joyride, Dooku. How can you justify that?

DOOKU: I was simply conducting a demonstration for Qui-Gon on the effects of mind-altering drugs, so that he might learn to resist them, should an enemy ever employ them against him.

(The Council stares at him in silence.)

DOOKU: Really!

(MACE picks up a datapad, scans it.)

MACE: According to the official police documentation, you abused your Force powers by assaulting two police officers.

DOOKU: Assault? I just gave them some "super wedgies"! They'll be walking normally again in a couple of days.

MACE: You and Qui-Gon then fled, stopping long enough to clean out a bakery for "munchies".

DOOKU: (shrugging) We were hungry.

MACE: You then led police on a high-speed chase that lasted for seven hours--a chase that eventually involved forty-seven pursuit vehicles. You endangered not only yourself and your padawan, but countless civilians.

DOOKU: But--

MACE: The situation was made worse when your padawan began to throw doughnuts out of the speeder, in an attempt to distract the pursuing officers.

DOOKU: (chuckling) Hey, that actually worked pretty well. Qui-Gon is quite a resourceful boy...

YODA: Dooku, the judgement of this Council, it is, that you are to be punished. Clean the floors of the Temple, you will, with a toothbrush, while you contemplate the nature of the Force, and the folly of your actions.

DOOKU: What?! That'll take years! What about Qui-Gon?

MACE: He will be placed with a new master.

DOOKU: Oh, this is so unfair! (he points at KI-ADI MUNDI) You! Conehead! Remember the time you went out boozing, and when you woke up, you found yourself three star systems away? Or you! (he points to PLO KOON) You spend practically every weekend hanging out at that Twi'lek "massage parlor". By the Force, you're all a bunch of hypocrites!

MACE: Dooku, you--

DOOKU: No! I'm done! All right? I quit!

(DOOKU storms out of the chambers, leaving a stunned Council behind...)

(Years later, DOOKU is making a comfortable living for himself, selling tie-dyed tee-shirts and herbal brownies on the streets of Coruscant. One day, a hooded figure approaches his stall.)

DOOKU: Can I help you?

MAN: No, but perhaps I can help you. I've recently lost my apprentice, and need a new one.

DOOKU: I see. And why would I want to do this?

MAN: Join me, and I'll give you power beyond measure. The power to crush the Jedi once and for all.

DOOKU: (skeptically) Uh-huh.

MAN: Seriously. I'm not kiddin' around, here.

DOOKU: Riiiight. And who are you, again?

MAN: Call me...Sidious. And I'll throw in all the free munchies you want.

DOOKU: (rubbing his chin thoughtfully) Hmmmm....Destroy the Jedi *and* free munchies? Truly?

SIDIOUS: Truly.

DOOKU: (grinning and shaking SIDIOUS's hand) Dude!

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