(On a remote, desolate world sits an Imperial outpost. In its command center are two men: Captain LAROSK, who sits at the communications console, and Sanitation Engineer BREK, who's mopping the floor.)

LAROSK: (shaking his head) I can't believe she'd do this to me.

BREK: (not looking up from his mopping) What's that, sir?

LAROSK: I mean, it's bad enough that the budget cuts reduced our staff here to you, me, and the assistant cafeteria droid, but now *this*...?

BREK: What do you mean, sir?

LAROSK: Don't you watch the news, man?! Mara Jade, the woman I was destined for, is marrying some hick farmboy!

BREK: Ah. (he wrings out his mop)

LAROSK: It seems like only yesterday when she and I first met. We were little more than kids, really. This was before I graduated from the Academy, before she became the Emperor's Hand....We met at a restaurant. And you know what she said to me?

BREK: I can't imagine.

LAROSK: She said...*sigh*...she said: "Do you want fries with that?"

BREK: (frowning) And...?

LAROSK: What do you mean, "and?"? Can't you read between the lines? When a woman says "Do you want fries with that", it actually means, "I'm yours for life, you big manly bo-hunk stallion."

BREK: Ah. (he returns to his mopping)

LAROSK: That was the only time we ever met, but it was enough. I'm not letting some moisture farmer steal her away. Oh, no. I've got a plan, you see.

BREK: And what might that be?

LAROSK: I'm glad you asked that...

BREK: (shrugging) That's why I make the big bucks...

LAROSK: Come with me.

(BREK sets his mop aside, and follows LAROSK through the sterile corridors down to one of the sub-levels. They enter a lab, where five large, mist-filled glass cylinders are lined up against one wall. LAROSK pushes a button, and the doors of the cylinders hiss open. A figure emerges from each tube--all five of the figures are identical...)

BREK: (pointing) Hey, isn't that--

LAROSK: Anakin Skywalker, that's right. Age 20. My secret weapon--five klones of the Emperor's most feared soldier.

BREK: "Klones"? Don't you mean "clones"?

LAROSK: (shaking his head) Klone technology is far more advanced than clone tech.

BREK: That's darn impressive.

LAROSK: I know. Allow me to introduce...(he points to each klone in turn:) Annakin, Anikin, Annikin, Anakan and Billy.

BREK: Billy?

BILLY: (raising a hand) Yo.

LAROSK: Gentlemen, what is your prime directive?

ANNAKIN, ANIKIN, ANNIKIN and ANAKAN: (in unison) To bring you Mara's booty is our duty, sir!

BILLY: (shrugging and pointing to the others) What they said.

LAROSK: Excellent. There's a ship ready on the landing platform. It has all the supplies and weaponry you'll need.

BILLY: (raising a hand) Can I drive?

LAROSK: Um...sure.

ANNIKIN: Hey, I wanted to drive!

ANAKAN: I call shotgun!

ANNAKIN: No, I want it!

ANIKIN: No, me!

ANAKAN: I called it first!

(ANAKAN, ANNIKIN, ANNAKIN and ANIKIN start slapping each other around. BILLY crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.)

BREK: *These* are the Emperor's ultimate soldiers?

LAROSK: There must have been some glitch in the duplication process, or the indoctrination programming...

BREK: Or maybe they're just stupid.

LAROSK: (to the klones) ENOUGH!!!!!

(The klones stop, look toward him.)

LAROSK: Billy flies, the rest of you take turns at shotgun. Now go! Go! Go!

(The klones salute and hurry from the room. LAROSK and BREK return to the command center, where they watch the klones' ship lift off from the landing platform and streak into the sky.)

BREK: You really think they can pull this off?

LAROSK: (steepling his fingers) Oh, yes. Mara Jade *will* be mine...

(A couple of days later, on Coruscant, in the quarters of MARA JADE....LEIA and WINTER are fussing over MARA.)

LEIA: I can't believe you're really getting married--to *my* brother! Let's get you spruced up...

MARA: Oh, relax, Leia. This is just the rehearsal. The ceremony's not for a few days, yet.

WINTER: It never hurts to look good. Speaking of which, I put a call in to some folks who should be here any minute to help out.

(As if on cue, the door opens and WEDGE, JANSON, HOBBIE, CORRAN, TYCHO and GAVIN DARKLIGHTER enter the room.)

MARA: What are you doing here?

WEDGE: Somebody called for Rouge Squadron...?

WINTER: That was me. (she points at MARA) There's your patient.

MARA: (frowning) Rouge Squadron? Don't you mean *Rogue* Squadron?

WEDGE: Girl, that's yesterday's news. We've found our true calling...

(WEDGE and JANSON takes MARA's shoulders and sit her down in a chair. HOBBIE and CORRAN immediately pull off her shoes and set to work giving her a pedicure. TYCHO and GAVIN each take one of her hands and start in on a manicure, while WEDGE starts brushing rouge onto her cheeks.)

MARA: What are you people doing?!

(JANSON lifts a bit of MARA'S hair in one hand and scowls.)

JANSON: Mara, no offense, but have you *ever* heard of conditioner? *sigh* Well, I suppose we can do *something* with it.

MARA: Hey!

(WEDGE stands back, studying MARA's hair a moment, and rubbing his chin.)

WEDGE: You know what I'm thinking, Wes?

JANSON: What?

WEDGE: Mousse. This hair is *screaming* for mousse.

JANSON: Brilliant! Gavin, go fetch me some mousse!

(GAVIN leaves, and comes back a minute later, leading a moose into the room on a leash. It barely fits through the door.)

WEDGE: No, you silly! We're saving that for the bachelor party!

MARA: What?!!!

(MARA starts to get up; WEDGE grabs her shoulders and sits her back down.)

WEDGE: Mara, sweetie, I love you to bits, but if you don't stop squirming, I'll vape you, okay? Just let us work our magic, all right?

(MARA growls, then relents.)

MARA: (glaring at WINTER) I'll get you for this...

(WINTER starts backing slowly toward the door...)

(Half an hour later, the Rouges step back, their work complete. WEDGE eyes MARA critically, walking around her, and finally stops.)

WEDGE: People, can I just say one word? STUNNING. (He looks at the other Rouges) Fabulous job, gentlemen. Group hug!

(While the Rouges embrace, Mara picks up a mirror and scowls.)

MARA: I look like a prostitute.

WEDGE: Yes, but an *expensive* prostitute.

HOBBIE: Yeah, not one of those cheap ones you can get over in the northern sector. The ones who get in your airspeeder and conk you over the head with their purse--and when you regain consciousness, you find yourself lying in a gutter, your airspeeder stolen, and you can't even call for a taxi because your comlink and wallet are missing too, and--

(He stops, noticing everyone staring at him.)

HOBBIE: Not...that...I would know anything about that, of course.

MARA: (smirking) Of course.

(Just then, JANSON'S comlink beeps; he pulls it out, listens for a moment, then turns to WEDGE.)

JANSON: We've got a situation, boss. Seems that Mon Mothma is planning to use white mascara with *green* eyeshadow.

WEDGE: Holy mother of--! Rouge Squadron, let's fly!

(All the Rouges go charging out the door. MARA, LEIA and WINTER stare after them.)

LEIA: Those guys are starting to worry me...

(Meanwhile, the klones' ship touches down at a spaceport a few miles away. ANAKAN, ANNIKIN, ANNAKIN, ANIKIN and BILLY debark and approach the customs station.)

BILLY: Okay, just let me do the talking, guys.

ANAKAN: Why don't we just use the mind trick?

ANNAKIN: Or just hack and slash our way through? It's not like they could stop us...

BILLY: We will--but only if we have to. Just follow my lead.

(They reach the customs station. The OFFICIAL sitting there looks up from her keyboard.)

OFFICIAL: Wow. Are you guys some kind of boy band, or something?

BILLY: No, we're klones.

OFFICIAL: Of course. So...what's the purpose of your visit to Coruscant: recreation; business; or evil plot against the New Republic?

BILLY: (frowning) Excuse me...?

OFFICIAL: Well, those are the only reasons *anyone* ever comes to Coruscant...

BILLY: Oh. Evil plot against the New Republic, then.

OFFICIAL: (typing the information in) Okay. Is this plot directed against the New Republic in general, or a specific member of the hierarchy?

BILLY: Specific member of the hierarchy.

OFFICIAL: Skywalker or Solo?

BILLY: Um...Mara Jade, actually.

OFFICIAL: Hmmm. That's new. (she keeps typing) Okay, would you say that you're Unarmed, Moderately Armed, Heavily Armed, or Evacuate-The-Planet-I've-Got-A-Superweapon...?

BILLY: (smiling suggestively) Well, I've got a rocket in my pocket...

OFFICIAL: (raising an eyebrow) Of course you do. We'll say Moderately Armed, then. (she finishes entering her information, then waves them through.) Welcome to Coruscant, gentlemen...

BILLY: Hey, that was easy. (he turns to the other klones) See, guys?

(As the klones step through the station, the OFFICIAL passes a slip of paper to BILLY.)

OFFICIAL: Here's my comlink number, rocket-boy. Call me. (she winks)

BILLY: Right on!

(The other klones immediately try to steal the number from him...)

(Elsewhere, KYP DURRON, JACEN SOLO, KAM SOLUSAR and about ten other male Jedi are sitting at a table in a cafe...)

KYP: Are we ready for Luke's bachelor party? Have we got the moose?

JACEN: Wedge said he was handling it.

KYP: The booze?

JACEN: Yep.

KYP: The hookers?

KAM: Working on it.

KYP: Good. Don't get those ones from the northern sector, though. The ones who conk you over the head and--

KAM: Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll--AAAAARRGGGHHH!

(KAM clutches his head, slumps down on the table, groaning.)

JACEN: Kam, what is it?

KAM: I sense a great disturbance in the Force. An enemy arising to prevent this wedding...

JACEN: Can you see anything else? Who are they?

KAM: They're...klones! Very near! Sent by some love-sick Imperial officer to kidnap Mara!

JACEN: Can you be more specific?

KAM: (brows furrowed in concentration) They're...wearing red polka-dot boxers!

JACEN: Okay, that's *too* specific. (he turns to the others) Let's go, people!

KYP: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, there. I am getting *so* tired of us Jedi having to rush off and solve everyone else's problems. Why don't we just--

JACEN: Kyp, will you *think* for a moment? If Mara gets kidnapped, that means no wedding. No wedding means no bachelor party. No bachelor party means no booze, no hookers...and no *boozed-up* hookers.

KYP: What?! (he surges to his feet, brandishing his lightsaber aloft) Fellow Jedi, we must arise and defeat this dread menace!

(The Jedi charge off into the city. Following KAM's senses, they reach a broad avenue a few minutes later. The crowd parts at the arrival of so many Jedi, and there, across twenty feet of open space, ANNAKIN, ANIKIN, ANNIKIN, ANAKAN and BILLY are facing them.)

KAM: (pointing) There they are!

KYP: We won't let you succeed, klones!

BILLY: (innocently) What? We're not klones! We're just a boy band!

JACEN: Yeah? Then let's see you get jiggy with it!

(BILLY and the other klones exchange confused looks.)

BILLY: Curses! Our cover's blown! Time for the fight scene, boys!

(One by one, the klones pull out their weapons: ANNAKIN ignites a red-bladed lightsaber; ANIKIN--a double-bladed red lightsaber; ANNIKIN--a *triple*-bladed red lightsaber; ANAKAN--a *quadruple*-bladed red lightsaber. And BILLY pulls out...a rock.)

(With a furious yell, ANNAKIN, ANIKIN, ANNIKIN and ANAKAN charge the Jedi, while BILLY hangs back, watching. The Jedi rush forward to meet them, and glowing blades crash against each other in a furious lightshow. It's a dazzling display of acrobatics and swordsmanship, but within a minute the klones are lying on the ground, silent and still. All eyes focus on BILLY.)

KYP: (to BILLY) Give it up. You haven't got a chance.

(BILLY points over KYP's shoulder.)

BILLY: Hey, what's that over there?

KYP: (turning to look) Where?

(BILLY throws his rock, hitting KYP in the head. KYP falls to the ground, unconscious, and JACEN and the other Jedi stare at BILLY.)

JACEN: My god, this guy's a tactical genius! RUN!!!!

(The Jedi all turn and flee. BILLY walks over and picks up his rock, then looks at the fallen klones, shaking his head.)

BILLY: Screw this, man. If Larosk wants a date, let him put an ad in the personals...

(With his rock in hand, BILLY walks away...)

(A few days later, in his remote Imperial outpost, Captain LAROSK, going over some documents in his office, is startled by an explosion that rocks the building.)

LAROSK: What in the name of--

(He hurries down to find that the huge main doors of the facility have been blown off their hinges. And there in the courtyard are a New Republic SOLDIER, a protocol droid, and several Ewoks. BREK and the assistant cafeteria droid are standing before them, with arms raised in surrender. Before LAROSK can pull his weapon, two of the Ewoks jump him, knocking him to the ground and tying his hands.)

LAROSK: (spluttering) What--? How'd you--? This is a secret base! How did you learn of its existence?

SOLDIER: We received a tip from someone named "Billy". Said you were so understaffed, we could breach your defenses with a protocol droid and a couple of Ewoks. But I brought *three* Ewoks just in case.

(One of the Ewoks pokes LAROSK in the butt with his spear.)

LAROSK: Ow! (his gaze grows dark as he's hauled away) Billy, I'll get you for this...

(The next day, LUKE and MARA are decked out in their finest, in an opulent chamber atop one of Coruscant's highest towers. Huge windows overlook the city, while LANDO CALRISSIAN stands at a lectern before them, presiding over the cermony. Sitting in the audience are HAN, LEIA, CHEWBACCA, R2-D2, C-3PO--along with various other friends and family...)

LANDO: We are gathered here today, in the presence of friends and loved ones, to witness the union of Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker. Let us also give thanks to the fine folks at Colt .45 for providing the smooth, delicious beverages we're all enjoying this evening...

HAN: *cough cough*kickback*cough cough*

LANDO: Luke and Mara have written their own vows. Luke, if you'd begin...?

(LUKE takes MARA's hands in his.)

LUKE: Mara, my love. My life. The day you first tried to kill me was the first day I was truly alive...

HAN: (rolling his eyes) Oh, brother. I've got a bad feeling about this...

(One hour later:)

LUKE: --your eyes are brighter than the stars, your heart as infinite as the cosmos--

HAN: (head tipped back, staring up at the ceiling) Somebody shoot me.

(LEIA elbows him in the ribs.)

(One more hour later:)

LUKE: --the touch of your lips is sweeter than--

HAN: I'm gonna be sick. Seriously.

(Yet another hour later:)

LUKE:--and I simply cannot imagine a future without you. If you'll have me, I would be honored to be your husband.

(LUKE looks toward the lectern, where LANDO is slumped over, snoring quietly. R2-D2 gives him a quick zap from his arc welder, and LANDO snaps awake.)

LANDO: *snort* Bacon! Wha--? Who--? (he looks around) Oh. You done, Luke?

(LUKE nods)

LANDO: Your turn, Mara.

(MARA gazes at LUKE.)

MARA: Luke....Do you want fries with that?

(pause)

LANDO: That's it?

(MARA nods.)

HAN: (with a sigh of relief) Praise the Force...

LANDO: Well then....By the power vested in me by...me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now get it on.

(The audience applauds as LUKE and MARA kiss...)

(Meanwhile, at the spaceport....BILLY approaches a Rodian PILOT who's tending his vessel in a docking bay...)

BILLY: Nice ship, here.

PILOT: Thanks. She can do point six past lightspeed.

BILLY: What do you call it?

PILOT: The Blazing Toad.

BILLY: Sounds good. You want to give it to me, don't you?

PILOT: What? That's insane--

(BILLY makes a gesture with his hand, and the PILOT's eyes widen and glaze over.)

PILOT: (in a monotone) Why, yes...I'd love to give you my ship.

BILLY: (smiling) Thanks!

(BILLY claps the Rodian on the shoulder and heads up the ramp. He climbs into the cockpit and, with his trusty rock at his side, fires up the engines and roars off into the sky, headed for a new life...)

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