Lando: The Movie


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(On Coruscant, an air taxi swoops through the gleaming towers, and settles to the ground outside the gates of a sprawling complex. HAN SOLO emerges from the vehicle, pays the driver. As the taxi flies away, the gates open, and LANDO CALRISSIAN comes out, beaming at HAN.)

LANDO: Han, old buddy! Thanks for coming!

HAN: Hey, when I heard you were directing a holo-drama, I just *had* to come and see if they were really crazy enough to let you into this business. I mean, you're greedy, manipulative, a total scoundrel....Wait a minute. You *are* perfect for this...

(LANDO chuckles as they walk through the gates...)

LANDO: (shrugging) I figured it was time to get my memoirs recorded somehow. This whole business we just went through with Thrawn got me thinking--I'm not immortal. I need to preserve this for future generations.

HAN: I know what you mean. I--

(Suddenly HAN and LANDO are nearly bowled over by a stampede of Ewoks. They exchange a suprised look as the chittering creatures go charging away.)

LANDO: (looking around, raising his voice) Okay, where's my Ewok wrangler? These guys aren't supposed to be on-set until this afternoon! C'mon, people! (he shakes his head, turns back to HAN) Sorry about that.

HAN: Hey, at least they aren't tying me to a spit.

(They reach a stage that's been made-up to look like a docking platform on Cloud City--complete with a mock-up of the Millenium Falcon. As they approach the camera crew gathered there, a blue-skinned Twi'lek female steps forward.)

LANDO: (to Twi'lek) Are we set, Prill?

PRILL: Ready when you are, sir.

LANDO: Terrific. (he gestures toward HAN) Prill, this is--

PRILL: Han Solo. A pleasure to meet you. I've been hearing about you since I was a kid. (she shakes HAN's hand.)

HAN: Well, now I feel old.

(LANDO drops into a seat, gestures HAN toward the seat next to him. On-stage, a group of actors come out, begin taking their positions, waiting for the scene to begin. Among them are look-alikes for Leia, Chewie, Threepio...)

HAN: (pointing toward one actor) Hey, is that guy supposed to be me?

LANDO: Yeah. The guy nails his lines perfectly. You should be flattered.

HAN: But look at him! My nose isn't *that* big, is it? (he touches his nose self-consciously) And that uni-brow of his--

LANDO: (chuckling) Relax....We can clean that up in post-production. A little digital nip and tuck.

(HAN doesn't look entirely appeased, but quiets down.)

LANDO: (turning toward the stage and raising his voice) Okay, folks, let's get to work. We'll start with the hug....Annnnd, ACTION!

(On-stage, "LANDO" and "HAN" embrace.)

"LANDO": How you doin', you old pirate? So good to see you! I never thought I'd get to see you again! Where you been?

("HAN" reels a bit from "LANDO's" enthusiasm.)

"LANDO": What are you doing here?

"HAN": (hooking a thumb back toward the Falcon) Ah, repairs.

"LANDO": What have you done to my ship?

"HAN": *Your* ship? Hey, you lost her to me fair and square.

("LANDO" glances over at "CHEWIE")

"LANDO": And how you doing, Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?

("CHEWIE" woofs.)

"LANDO": (noticing "LEIA") Hello, what have we here?

(He walks over to her.)

"LANDO": I'm Lando Calrissian, the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?

"LEIA": Leia.

"LANDO": Welcome, Leia...

("LANDO" kisses "LEIA's" hand. She swoons a moment, then turns to "HAN" and pushes him off the edge of the walkway. As he falls away, she throws herself into "LANDO's" arms.)

"LEIA": Take me now, you irresistable hunk of man!

"LANDO": Count on it, baby...(he leans in to kiss her)

(Off-stage, HAN jumps out of his chair.)

HAN: Cut!

LANDO: Han, old buddy, *I'm* the director. *I'm* the one who calls "cut". What's the problem?

HAN: What's the--? What's all this supposed to be?

LANDO: Well, I did take a few creative liberties...

HAN: "Creative liberties"? You're about to start boinking my wife, here!

LANDO: (looking through the script) Actually, that's in Scene--

HAN: (slapping the script out of LANDO's hands) Stop that! Besides, if I get pushed off the walkway, how do I wind up in the carbonite?

LANDO: That's the beauty of it! See, you fall off the walkway and *into* a vat of carbonite! I've worked it all out!

HAN: But--

LANDO: (putting a friendly arm around HAN's shoulders) Han, don't worry about it. These holo-dramas always fudge a little with the facts. The basic story is the same; I'm just jazzing up a few of the details. Don't worry!

HAN: Bad things always happen when you say that...

(LANDO feigns a wounded expression. Just then, PRILL appears at his side.)

PRILL: Sir, we have a bit of a problem.

LANDO: Oh?

PRILL: Yes, sir. It's the Ewoks. Some of them are camped out around the coffee maker and are worshipping it as a god.

LANDO: Hey, I'm not here to prevent anyone from practicing their religion...

PRILL: Yes, but the lack of coffee has the union workers a bit...peeved. They're talking about a strike.

LANDO: (rolling his eyes) Oh, for the love of....Okay, here's what you do: show the Ewoks the candy machine. If that doesn't tear them away from the coffee maker, nothing will.

PRILL:Yes, sir. (she walks away)

LANDO: Come on, Han. Our next shot's over on Stage Four...

(LANDO and HAN join the camera crew and the actors as they trek over to the next stage, which is decked out as a Cloud City corridor. "LANDO" hops on-stage, gets his makeup touched up. The real LANDO, meanwhile, sets a block of wood on the ground in front of the actor, then returns to HAN's side.)

HAN: What's with the wood?

LANDO: That's Vader. This is the scene where Vader orders that Leia and Chewie must never leave the city.

HAN: Vader is being portrayed by a block of wood?

(LANDO nods.)

(HAN frowns, puzzled.)

LANDO: It's avant-garde.

(HAN raises an eyebrow, begins to smirk.)

LANDO: Hey, I didn't invite you here so you could badmouth my art.

HAN: (holding up his hands) Didn't say a word!

LANDO: (calling out) Okay, people, if we're ready....Scene Twenty-Five. Annnnnnd...action!

(A stagehand speaks up, reading from the script, providing "VADER's" dialogue...)

"VADER": The Princess and the Wookiee must never again be allowed to leave this city.

"LANDO": That was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!

"VADER": Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

"LANDO": Hell, yes, I do!

"VADER": It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here.

"LANDO": Yeah, unfortunate for *you*! You just go ahead and try it, buster!

"VADER": Maybe I will!

"LANDO": Go for it!

"VADER": All right, then!

"LANDO": Okay!

"VADER": Fine!

"LANDO": Fine!

"VADER": FINE!

"LANDO": Fine to *infinity*!

(pause)

"VADER": Well played, Calrissian. Well played.

LANDO: Annnnd...cut! We'll break for ten minutes, then meet back at Stage Seven...

(The people begin to disperse.)

HAN: Had to fudge a few of the details, huh?

(LANDO shrugs.)

HAN: That's an awful lot of fudge...


(Ten minutes later, they've all regathered at Stage Seven, which has been designed to resemble a Cloud City pavillion. A crowd of extras mills about.)

LANDO: Scene Thirty-Two! Action!

(The crowd begins to cheer, as "LANDO" appears and paces before them. Half of his face has been painted blue.)

"LANDO": Lord Vader has threatened to leave a garrison here in Cloud City! I say we can beat him! I say that we will live free! I ask you--are you ready for a war?!!!!!"

(The crowd cheers.)

"LANDO": They might take our city...but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!

(The crowd roars, brandishing their weapons.)

LANDO: Cut! I'm getting goosebumps, folks. Keep that energy up, and let's prep for the next scene!

(Stagehands and make-up people get to work, dirtying up the actors a bit, putting blaster-burns on the walls, scattering stormtrooper armor around on the floor. A short time later, the set looks like a fierce battle has recently been waged. Their work done, the crew hustles off the set.)

LANDO: Scene Thirty-seven, everyone. Annnd...action!

(On-stage, the crowd cheers again. Some of them wave their weapons high, others hold stormtrooper helmets up like trophies, as "LANDO" watches them with a proud grin. "LEIA", wearing an outfit akin to her "slave girl" ensemble, comes out and hooks her arm through "LANDO's".)

"LEIA": (gazing at "LANDO" adoringly) Lando, you've liberated the city from Vader's clutches! I was so right to choose you over Han!

"LANDO": Perhaps, but he *is* my friend. We've got to save him from that bounty hunter. He may not have my manly charms or my dashing good looks, but I won't let Jabba have him. (he looks out over the crowd) Who's with me?!!!!

(The crowd cheers.)

"LEIA": (with a dreamy sigh) Oh, Lando. You're so heroic...

LANDO: Cut! Perfect!

HAN: (shaking his head) I am *totally* going to sue you...

(Before LANDO can reply, PRILL returns again.)

PRILL: Sir, sorry to bother you again, but the Ewoks--

LANDO: Again? Didn't you show them the candy machine?

PRILL: Yes, sir, I did. And that worked. But...

LANDO: But...?

PRILL: Well, it seems that some of the Ewoks have...um...set up traps around the catering truck.

LANDO: Traps?

PRILL: Yes, sir. Snares, nets, that sort of thing. We've already lost two assistant directors and half a dozen electricians...

LANDO: I see...

PRILL: It gets worse, sir.

HAN: (smirking) It always does...

(LANDO scowls at him.)

PRILL: The Ewoks have dragged the people they've captured over to the candy machine. *Apparently* they're planning to sacrifice them to appease "The Great God Her-Shey, Lord of Caramel and Nougat."

LANDO: *sigh* Why is it never easy? Prill, be a dear and take Han over to Stage Five for me, will you? I'll be there in a minute, after I settle this Ewok business.

PRILL: Of course. (she turns to HAN) If you'll follow me, sir?

(HAN follows PRILL across the lot. They walk in silence for a few moments, then PRILL turns to look at him.)

PRILL: May I ask you a question?

HAN: Sure.

PRILL: Did Greedo *really* shoot first?

HAN: (looking confused) What?

PRILL: Well, Mr. Calrissian was shooting some "prologue" footage yesterday, with you and Greedo in the Mos Eisley cantina. And he had Greedo shooting first. Is that right?

HAN: (rolling his eyes) Oh, brother. Another one of Lando's "creative liberties", I'm afraid...

(They walk on...)

PRILL: You know, but I used to have the biggest crush on you...

HAN: (brightening) Oh, yeah?

PRILL: Yeah. My sister was really into Luke Skywalker, but I was all, "Puh-lease! Han is *much* cooler!"

(HAN grins.)

PRILL: Besides, I heard that Luke used to make out with Leia, which is just *totally* sick...

HAN: (looking uncomfortable) Well, we don't really like to talk about that around the house...

(They reach Stage Five, which is decorated as the Death Star throne room. On-stage are the actors portraying "PALPATINE", "LUKE" and the block of "VADER" wood. While everyone waits for LANDO, HAN chats it up a bit with the cast and crew, signs a few autographs, gets a few pictures taken. Finally, LANDO shows up and drops into his seat.)

LANDO: *whew*!

HAN: (sitting down next to him) So, how'd it go?

LANDO: Well, I talked the Ewoks into letting all their captives go--but I had to promise to give them script approval for my next project.

HAN: Really?

LANDO: Hey, they're shrewd little buggers. (he raises his voice, claps his hands at the crew) Okay, folks! Let's make the magic happen! Scene Eighty-One! Annnnnnnd...Action!

(On-stage, "PALPATINE" leers at "LUKE".)

"PALPATINE": Take your Jedi weapon. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant.

"LUKE": *No*.

"PALPATINE": It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You...like your father...are now...*mine*.

(Suddenly "LANDO" bursts onto the set.)

"LANDO": Not if I have anything to say about it!

"PALPATINE": *gasp*! Lando Calrissian!

"LANDO": That's right, Palpatine. Your reign of terror ends NOW!

"LUKE": Hurray, Lando!

(Off-stage, HAN groans and buries his head in his hands.)

(On-stage, "LANDO" picks up the piece of "VADER" wood, tosses it over the railing. He then turns toward "PALPATINE" and a fistfight ensues. In the end, "PALPATINE" gets knocked over the railing, and "LANDO" strikes a heroic pose.)

"LUKE": Wow, Lando! You single-handedly defeated the Emperor and saved the galaxy! You're amazing!

"LANDO": (brushing a speck of dust off his cape) Yes. Yes, I am. (he claps "LUKE" on the shoulder) C'mon, Luke. Let's set the self-destruct on this Death Star, then we can go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters.

"LUKE": Yay!

(They walk together toward the edge of the stage.)

LANDO: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...CUT! Print that! That was beautiful, people--I mean that! I love you all. Let's break for lunch and meet back here in an hour...

(The cast and crew begin to wander off, and LANDO turns to HAN.)

LANDO: (grinning) Wasn't that great?

(HAN simply stares at him.)

LANDO: What?

(HAN keeps staring.)

LANDO: What?!

(An hour later, after lunch at a nearby restaurant, HAN and LANDO return to the studio--to find it strangely deserted.)

LANDO: Hello? This is a cute joke, people, but we've still got a movie to shoot, here!

(Silence answers him.)

HAN: Guess those manly charms of yours must not be working too well, eh?

(Up ahead, PRILL comes around a corner and approaches them.)

LANDO: Prill! What's going on, here? Where is everyone?

PRILL: I'm afraid the production's been shut down, sir.

LANDO: What?!

PRILL: (nodding) In fact, the entire studio's been shut down. It seems the studio executives have joined the Ewoks and converted to "Her-Sheyism", and don't have time to waste on such "useless and unfulfilling" pusuits as holo-dramas. I'm sorry, sir. It's been a pleasure working with you. (she shakes his hand, and walks out the gates.)

(LANDO stands there, flabbergasted.)

LANDO: But...I was just about to sign the deal for the action figure line...and the trading cards...and lunchboxes...and life-size cardboard stand-ups and...and...

HAN: (putting a hand on LANDO's shoulder) Look on the bright side--you started a new religion. Maybe they'll make you their High Priest, or something.

LANDO: Hey, that's right! (he grins) There's gotta be a profit in there somewhere! Thanks, buddy!

(LANDO hurries off, and HAN shakes his head.)

HAN: I will never understand show business...







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