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Pen Pals
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Dear Emperor Palpatine, My name is Mara Jade, and I am eight years old. How are you doing? I am doing well. My teecher at school wants all of us to write a letter to someone famus, and I chose you because you are the most famusest of all. And because you look like my grandpa. He's dead now, but I liked him. He was very nice. I think you must be very nice, because you look like him. When I told my parents I was writing to you, they did not look very happy. My mommy said something about opreshun, and daddy just frowned. He frowns a lot, mostly when I don't want to eat my vegetables (I just learned how to spell that word in school), or when I don't do my chores. Sometimes he sends me to bed early, if I don't behave, which I think is very mean. I bet nobody makes YOU do your chores or eat your vegetables, huh? Keep up the great work. I think you are doing a very good job ruling the galaxy. Your Friend, Mara
Thank you for writing; I really enjoyed reading your letter. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather; I'm sure he was a loyal and steadfast Imperial citizen. I must confess, though, that I'm a bit concerned with these reports of your parents' activities. Making you eat your vegetables? Sending you to bed early? Clearly, these are the acts of insurrectionists. Rest assured, your parents will be promptly liquidated, and you will be placed in an Imperial facility as my personal ward. You are to be commended for your actions, young Mara, and I will be watching your future with great interest... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Wow! You wrote to me! But what's a insurrectionist? And what does liquidate mean? Does that mean you're going to give them drinks? Because they already have drinks. Sometimes they drink so much that they fall asleep for days. But I don't mind. I can cook my own food, then, without having to worry about those icky vegetables. Your Friend, Mara
What a resourceful and independent girl you must be! You will truly be an asset to the Imperial forces when you grow up. To answer your questions, insurrectionists are people who are mean to kids; that's why I'm trying to stop them all. And "liquidate" means we're going to be sending your parents far away on vacation--to a water park. They'll probably have so much fun there, that they'll never come back! But don't worry, I'll be around to take care of you... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Gee, it's been three whole years, and my parents still haven't come back from that water park. It must be great there. Maybe someday you'll liquidate me, huh? Anyway, the reason I'm writing is to say thank you so much for all the birthday presents! I can't believe I'm already eleven years old! The birthday party was great. All my friends were there, with all the cake and ice cream and decorations. It was really neat. The best part, though, was having Lord Vader there. He did some really neat tricks for us, and he makes the BEST balloon animals. He didn't look like he was having much fun, though, kept saying something about it being beneath his station, whatever that means. When we were eating, my friend Shayla accidently flipped some of her ice cream onto Vader's face. It was pretty funny. Everybody laughed, except Vader. He just kind of looked at Shayla, then started pinching his fingers together for some reason. But then he shook his head and walked away. He's kind of weird. Your Friend, Mara P.S. Is it true that I'm going to be going to the Alderaanian Academic Institute in a couple of years? Everyone says that's just the BEST school...
Glad you enjoyed the presents. Be careful with those stun grenades, though; they're a little tricky. I'll have to have a...talk with Lord Vader about his behavior. He should know better... And, yes, you'll be going to the Institute. Only the best for you, my dear... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Well, my first semester here at the Institute is almost over. It's been going pretty well, even though most of my teachers flinch whenever I look at them too long. The campus is beautiful, and the coursework is interesting. But the BEST part is: there's a boy who likes me! Yes! His name is Paltur Horan, and he's so fine. And he's *fifteen*! Can you believe it? The other girls are soooo jealous. I'm loving it. Paltur says that his parents are going to be off-planet next weekend, and invited me to go driving in his father's airspeeder. Of course I said yes. What am I, stupid? I can't wait... Your Friend, Mara
While I find it encouraging that you're making new friends at school, I really think that you're too young to be dating. I hope that you don't become too attached to this young gentleman... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Are you TRYING to ruin my life? There I was, on the steps of the school, with all of my FRIENDS, waiting for Paltur to come pick me up in his airspeeder. He finally shows up, pulls up in front of us...and suddenly a squad of stormtroopers pops up out of nowhere and hauls him away! In front of EVERYBODY! I was SO embarrassed! I KNOW you had something to do with this! Why can't you just let me lead a normal life? Why do I have to do everything YOU want? Why can't you ever think of MY feelings? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Hating You Forever, Mara
Gooooooood. Your hate makes you powerful. Release your hatred. Let it flow. Experience the glory of the Dark Side of the Force...yessssssssssssss... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Okay, *maybe* I was a little rash when I chewed you out about that thing with Paltur. Because I just heard from my friend Loora, who heard from Renki, who heard from Wynda, that, the day after he was taking *me* out for a drive, he was planning to take Leia Organa out. That slut. So Paltur deserves whatever he gets. And speaking of horrible fates, everyone on the cheerleading squad died a couple of days ago. Tragic accident; seems that *somehow* a bunch of thermal detonators were hidden inside the girls' pom-poms. They all just exploded in the middle of a drill. Of course, it's *purely* a coincidence that this happened after I'd auditioned for the squad--only to have them *laugh* at me, and say they'd seen better moves on a corpse. Well...guess who's laughing now? This Dark Side stuff RULES! Sincerely, Mara
Excellent. I think you're ready to begin the next phase of your education; you will make a superlative Emperor's Hand... Sincerely, Emperor Palpatine
Assignment received and confirmed. And may I say that, in all my years as your Hand, I have never seen such a diabolically cunning scheme as "Operation: Vong"? Faking your death at Endor; allowing the Rebellion to take control, knowing they'll eventually become complacent; then releasing your allies, the Yuuzhan Vong, on them years later, to sow chaos and destruction across the galaxy--so that the populace will accept your strong leadership with open arms when you return from hiding. Brilliant! I especially like the part where I make Luke Skywalker fall in love with me, marry him, and bear him a child--thus providing you a ready-made disciple for your Dark Side teachings when you return. The hick farmboy won't know what hit him. But is it really necessary to kill Lord Vader? He *does* make the best balloon animals around... Ever your servant, Mara
Vader's death will indeed be regrettable--Balloon Animal Sculpture is a Dark Side skill mastered by few, and I am loathe to remove such a talent from the galaxy. But it is necessary to maintain the deception I am weaving. And, lately, I have begun to question his loyalty. Rest assured though, that your son (for I have forseen that you and Skywalker will have a son) will possess Balloon Animal skills far surpassing even those of Lord Vader. I look forward to teaching him. See you in twenty years... Palpatine
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