A. SKYWALKER: What's up, sport?

A. SOLO: Hey, grandpa. Not much. Something's been bugging me since I got here, though--why do you look so old? I thought you got young when you turned into a spirit.

A. SKYWALKER: (waving dismissively) Please. Don't believe the revisionist history those holographers are trying to pawn off these days.

A. SOLO: Oh. So, can I play cards with you guys?

OBI-WAN: Sorry, kid, but this is the grown-ups' table.

A. SOLO: Hey, I'm a grown-up!

OBI-WAN: Of course you are.

A. SKYWALKER: Maybe you can head on over to the Dead Sidekicks' Afterlife and hang out with Chewbacca...?

A. SOLO: I tried that, but he said he was tired of listening to me whining about getting him killed. Besides, I'd have to deal with Jar Jar over there; how did you ever put up with him?

A. SKYWALKER: Wasn't easy, lemme tell ya.

A. SOLO: So can I join you guys here?

A. SKYWALKER: No.

A. SOLO: But I'm booooored! Besides, I've got every right to be here that you do! I fought the forces of evil just as nobly as you guys all did.

A. SKYWALKER: Oh, please. Kid, I was the Chosen One. Did you hear the capital letters there? Chosen One. Don't even try to compare yourself to that.

A. SOLO: Hey, I died a hero, man! I sacrificed myself to save my friends!

QUI-GON: No offense, kid, but you were killed by footsoldiers. Me? I was aced by a Sith apprentice. A little higher on the villainy chain.

OBI-WAN: And I got killed by a Sith Lord. (he points at A. SKYWALKER)

A. SKYWALKER: And I bought it at the hands of a Sith Master.

(Everyone looks at YODA.)

YODA: (shrugging) Got too old, I did.

A. SOLO: But I gave up everything--I lost my one true love and everything!

(The others at the table all exchange a knowing look.)

QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, YODA and A. SKYWALKER: (in unison) Ooooooooh.

A. SOLO: Don't mock our love! It was pure, and deep, and....stuff.

A. SKYWALKER: Hey, I was the master of pure, deep love long before you were around. With a queen, no less.

QUI-GON: Well, technically she was only a Senator by the time you hooked up. And those are a dime a dozen.

A. SKYWALKER: And technically I don't recall you hooking up with anyone, old man.

QUI-GON: That's right, there was no one for me...except yo' mama.

A. SKYWALKER: What?!

OBI-WAN: Oh, here we go...

A. SKYWALKER: (to A. SOLO) Don't listen to these scurrilous lies, boy.

A. SOLO: But those are the best kind. (he drops into a seat and leans forward eagerly.)

(QUI-GON leans back in his seat, hands behind his head, grinning at A. SKYWALKER.)

QUI-GON: Your mother was sad when we left Tatooine, but that wasn't all for you, kid. Some of it was aimed right here at the Qui Guy.

A. SOLO: "The Qui Guy"?

A. SKYWALKER: I--You-- (he shakes his head) No. I refuse to believe it.

QUI-GON: (shrugging) Your choice. But for all you know, you could have a little brother or sister running around.

A. SOLO: What about you, Master Kenobi? What romantic ties did you have?

A. SKYWALKER: (to OBI-WAN) If you say my mother, I swear I'll kill you again.

OBI-WAN: Of course not your mother. She was much too old....Your wife, on the other hand...

A. SKYWALKER: WHAT?!!!!!!

OBI-WAN: Oh, calm down. It's not like you two were married yet. Besides, I had to work my way through all the handmaidens first. (he grins lecherously) And let me tell you, that was a job of work...

QUI-GON: Oh-ho! The padawan has surpassed the master! High-five!

(OBI-WAN high-fives QUI-GON.)

A. SKYWALKER: (burying his face in his hands) I think I'm going to be sick...

(YODA chuckles softly.)

YODA: Nothing, that is, young one, compared to me. Twelve hundred conquests have I had.

(They all stare at him, jaws hanging.)

YODA: When nine hundred years old you reach, much action you will get.

A. SOLO: Anyone special?

YODA: (to A. SKYWALKER) Recall, do you, a theory Qui-Gon had, of you being spawned by the midi-chlorians?

A. SKYWALKER: Yeah...

(YODA shakes his head and lays a hand on A. SKYWALKER's shoulder.)

YODA: Just call me Dad.

A. SKYWALKER: (shaking his head) You guys are all just messing with me. I know it!

QUI-GON: (dabbing at imaginary tears) Oh, this is just so beautiful.

A. SKYWALKER: (to QUI-GON) Get a haircut, hippie!

YODA: And then Padme, there was...

A. SKYWALKER: Lies, lies, lies...

OBI-WAN: Listen, this family reunion's nice and all, but are we going to play cards, or not? I've got credits burning a hole in my robe.

A. SOLO: Yeah, are we going to play cards or not?

(Everyone stares at the boy.)

QUI-GON: Ah, what the hell. (he flips a couple of cards to A. SOLO.)

A. SOLO: Cool! Can I have a beer, too?

A. SKYWALKER: Maybe when you're older, kid.

A. SOLO: But I'm dead! I'm never going to get any older!

OBI-WAN: Wow. Sucks to be you, huh?

YODA: After the game, head over to the Sith Afterlife, we should...And T.P. the place...

(The game begins...)

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