MACE: Good afternoon, children. My name is Mace Windu. You will refers to me as *Master* Windu--or you will be expelled. I'll be taking over your instruction for the day.

(One BOY raises his hand.)

MACE: Yes?

BOY: Where's Master Yoda?

MACE: He's at an arm-wrestling match on Kashyyyk. Now, before we begin, there are certain rules you *will* obey. One: There will be no horseplay. Two: If you wish to speak, you will raise your hand. Three: You will-- (he frowns, pointing at one boy) Get that finger out of your nose before I cut it off!

(The boy jerks his hand away.)

MACE: We're Jedi, for heaven's sake. Show a little dignity. Where was I? Oh, yes. Rule number three: You will obey my instructions to the letter. Rule number four: You will not, under any circumstances, underestimate the power of fudge. Now, are there any questions?

(A Twi'lek girl raises her hand)

MACE: Yes?

TWI'LEK GIRL: What happened to all your hair?

(MACE stares at her.)

(And stares.)

(And stares.)

(Finally, the girl bursts into tears.)

MACE: Right. Now, who can recite to me the Jedi mantra?

(Several hands go up, and MACE points to a BITH boy, who stands up.)

BITH: "There is no spoon"?

(pause)

MACE: Okay, you can go stand in the corner.

BITH: But--

MACE: Corner. Now.

(The BITH trudges dejectedly away.)

MACE: Anyone else?

(A human BOY raises his hand.)

BOY: Master Windu, can I go to the bathroom?

MACE: No. Wait until after the lesson.

BOY: But I gotta go!

MACE: (sighing) What's your name, son?

BOY: Rahn.

MACE: Rahn, a Jedi must know discipline. Resist the urge.

RAHN: (beginning to rock back and forth) But I'm dyyyyyyyyyyin'!

MACE: Rahn, do you want to be a Jedi, or not?

RAHN: Right now, I just wanna pee!

MACE: With the proper training, such concerns will be beneath you. I, personally, haven't urinated in nearly fourteen years. One day you, too, will achieve such a level; consider this your first step on that path.

RAHN: But I'm gonna explode!

MACE: (rolling his eyes) Very well. You're dismissed. But I want you to reflect upon your weakness.

RAHN: (nodding gratefully) Yes, Master. Thank you, Master.

(RAHN hurries from the room. MACE watches him go, then shakes his head and glances at his datapad.)

MACE: According to Master Yoda's lesson plan, you were scheduled to begin your lightsaber training today.

(The kids all cheer. MACE looks at them sharply, and they all quiet down.)

MACE: While I personally question the wisdom of putting such advanced weaponry into the hands of pre-pubescent children, this *is* Yoda's class, and I'm obligated to follow his curriculum.

(MACE opens up a metallic case and begins to hand out the weapons. Whispered calls of "Wizard!" come from many of the students as they get the weapons. One Rodian girl raises her hand.)

RODIAN: Can I get a double-bladed one?

MACE: No.

RODIAN: But they're bad-ass!

MACE: So am I. What's your point?

(The RODIAN grumbles a bit, but accepts the weapon that's given her. MACE then stands in the front of the class and pulls out his own lightsaber.)

MACE: The first thing you need to learn is that the lightsaber is not a toy. I know you've probably all played with those cheap plastic versions you can buy at the store, with the electronic sounds and battery-powered glow--and the Temple *does* make a fortune licensing those out--but this is the real deal. This one will do some damage. Now, hold the hilt before you like this, (he demonstrates) and press the activation stud like so. (he ignites his lightsaber)

(The children emulate his action, igniting their own blades. Several children cry out in surprise and nearly drop their weapons.)

MACE: Very good. Now, with a light grip, swing it like so...

(For the next little while, MACE leads the children through several demonstrations. Satisfied at their progress, he reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a seeker. He activates the device, and sets it to hovering in front of the children.)

MACE: This is a seeker...

(A human GIRL pipes up:)

GIRL: We're going to be playing quidditch? Cool!

(MACE frowns at her, then points to the corner of the room. The GIRL takes the hint and tromps over to join her BITH classmate, pouting.)

MACE: The seeker is designed to emit laser blasts, which you will be required to deflect with your lightsaber, using the power of the Force to guide you. For saftey's sake, I've set the seeker's energy output to its lowest level. Observe.

(MACE pushes a control on the seeker, and it floats over toward a training droid standing near a wall. It fires a tremendous blast that melts the droid's head into slag and scorches the wall behind it. The children gasp, and a few of them faint.)

MACE: Whoops! Must have pushed a wrong button somewhere. (he walks over, fiddles with the seeker a bit) There, that should take care of it.

(The seeker unleashes a flurry of tiny bolts that reduces the droid's body to scrap. As the last piece clatters to the floor, MACE turns to the children with a sheepish look. The children stare back, then start screaming and run from the room.)

MACE: Uh...class dismissed?

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