THREEPIO: I don't see why *I* have to do this. The young boy is perfectly capable of--

(With a giggle, BEN uses the Force to knock some toys off a shelf and onto the floor.)

THREEPIO: Why you--!

BEN: You made a mess! You made a mess!

THREEPIO: I most certainly did not, and you know it!

BEN: Gonna tell dad! Gonna tell mom!

(THREEPIO starts to pick up the fallen toys, and BEN knocks down still more, across the room.)

THREEPIO: Stop that!

(While BEN laughs, more toys fly off the shelves.)

THREEPIO: Enough! (he grabs BEN by the scruff of the neck, lifts him up to eye level.) Listen to me, you obnoxious little monster! I've had quite enough of your foolishness! It was bad enough that I had to spend years playing nursemaid to those horrid Solo children, but I will *not* go through that again, do you hear me? I--

(Just then, LUKE pokes his head around the edge of the doorway.)

LUKE: Everything okay in here?

THREEPIO: Oh! Master Luke! (he drops BEN, who lands with a *flump!* in a beanbag chair.)

(LUKE walks in, picks up BEN and settles into a chair with his son on his lap.)

LUKE: Ben hasn't been giving you too much trouble, has he, Threepio?

THREEPIO: Oh, no, sir! He's been a perfect little angel.

BEN: Dad, Freepio's bein' poopy! He needs a memmy wipe!

LUKE: (ruffling BEN's hair) No, sport, we're not giving Threepio a memory wipe. What were you two up to, anyway?

THREEPIO: Oh, we were just--

BEN: Tell me a story!

LUKE: Ben, it's rather rude to interrupt--

BEN: (red-faced) I want a story NOW!!!!!!!!!

LUKE: (looking at THREEPIO apologetically) Sorry. He gets that from his mother.

THREEPIO: So I've noticed. A story? If I may, sir...?

LUKE: Certainly.

THREEPIO: Well, Ben, once upon a time--

BEN: Lame!

THREEPIO: (after a moment's silence) A long time ago--

BEN: Stupid!

LUKE: (giving his son a stern look) Bennnnn...(he looks at THREEPIO) Please, go on.

THREEPIO: On the forest moon of Endor, there lived an Ewok named Tikkawakkalooloo--but his friends called him Tik. His *really* good friends called him Jennifer, but you're not old enough to hear *that* story, Ben.

LUKE: (with a raised eyebrow) I think you've been spending too much time around Han...

THREEPIO: Now, Tik was a very clever little Ewok. In fact, when he was just eight years old, he built himself a podracer out of logs and animal skins. He smuggled himself and his podracer into the cargo hold of a tourist vessel and headed off to join the racing circuit--and did rather well for himself. He won many races and made a fortune in product endorsements, because if there's one thing that Ewoks are perfect for, it's merchandising. He made *so* much money, in fact, that when he returned in triumph to Endor, he was able to live in splendor--with the biggest treehouse in the forest, the best food, and all the women he could--

LUKE: (warningly) Threepio...

THREEPIO: Oh. Yes. Well. Anyway, Tik lived a happy life--until the Yuuzhan Vong came. At first he paid them no mind; what did he care if some newcomers wanted to take over the galaxy? But then he noticed that, as more and more people were enslaved or killed, his endorsement checks weren't coming in quite so frequently--and *that* was simply intolerable. And he also realized that he couldn't rely on the Jedi to stop them, because, really, the Jedi were next to useless. The Vong were walking all over them. It was pathetic, really, the level of *incompetence* that was on display; one has to wonder how the Jedi even managed to tie their own shoe--

LUKE: Ahem.

THREEPIO: Ah...present company excluded, of course.

LUKE: Of course.

THREEPIO: At any rate, Tik realized it was up to him, so he set to work. For a year he labored, and all the other Ewoks thought him mad. But at the end, he had made something spectacular: a Death Star constructed from fish bones and dried animal dung. He hopped inside and flew off into space, attacking every Vong ship he could find. Entire fleets fell under the fury of his assault; planet after planet was liberated by this brave little Ewok.
Finally, he came up against the last Vong ship, a massive thing helmed by the Vong's supreme commander. And then Tik discovered something awful: he'd used up all his ammunition destroying the rest of the fleet! He had nothing left!
There was only one choice open to him. He set his Death Star to ramming speed and headed straight for the Vong ship. And as the Vong commander saw that great dungy sphere barrelling toward him, he realized he was doomed. And he realized something else, too, which is actually the moral of the story. Do you know what that moral is, Ben?

(BEN shakes his head.)

LUKE: I think I do. It's that heroism and self-sacrifice can come in even the most unlikely of packages, and that everyone has a potential for greatness.

THREEPIO: Actually, I was going to say "$#*% happens", but I like yours much better, Master Luke.

LUKE: (shaking his head) You've definitely been spending too much time hanging around Han...

BEN: (with a cheery grin) $#*%!

LUKE: Ben!

THREEPIO: Well, anyway, to make a long story longer, Tik crashed into the Vong ship, destroyed it, and saved the galaxy. The End.

BEN: $#*%!

LUKE: (rolling his eyes) Perfect. I'm never going to hear the end of this from Mara. Thank you so much, Threepio.

THREEPIO: Oh, you're quite welcome, Master Luke.

(LUKE stands up, deposits BEN in the chair.)

LUKE: Well, I'll let you two get back to your business. I've got to go brood over the nature of the Force. Or something.

(THREEPIO watches LUKE leave, then goes back to cleaning up the room. BEN, laughing, sends more toys flying through the air, bouncing them off of THREEPIO's body.)

BEN: (clapping delightedly) $#*%!

THREEPIO: (staring at BEN as the toys continue to pummel him) I hate you so much...

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