ANAKIN: Captain Needa's coming over? This is gonna be so awesome!

VADER: Indeed. He is a bit of a scamp.

A: Scamp? The dude's a wild man! Remember that time when he programmed Admiral Ozzel's coffee maker to serve nothing but ronto urine?

V: That was classic.

A: Or the time when he put that whoopee cushion on the Emperor's throne?

V: How could I forget? I think he was the one who toilet-papered the Imperial Palace last week, too.

A: What's he coming over for, anyway?

V: He had the Millenium Falcon in his sights, but allowed them to slip away.

A: Uh-oh. You're not gonna, y'know, do the strangling thing to him, are you? He gets us into all the cool parties...

V: I'm shocked that you would even suggest that.

A: Of course. 'Cause you're just the soul of restraint, aren't you?

V: Well, maybe I'll surprise you.

A: Right...

(Needa arrives on the Executor, and is brought before Vader. He sketches a nervous bow, apologizes for losing the Millenium Falcon--and Vader strangles him.)

VADER: (to corpse) Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

(A pair of guards haul the body away.)

A: So which part was supposed to surprise me?

V: I used my left hand to make that pinching gesture with my fingers--not my right hand.

A: Wow. Coloring outside the lines, huh? Thinking outside of the box?

(Vader walks over and talks with Admiral Piett about the pursuit of the Millenium Falcon. He orders Piett to calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory, then stalks off. In the corridor, one of the guards who hauled Needa away approaches him.)

GUARD: Sir, we found this on Captain Needa's body.

(The guard hands Vader a small package wrapped in bright paper and ribbon, then leaves.)

A: A present? What's the card say?

V: Let's see..."To Lord Vader: Happy Birthday, From Needa and the Guys".

A: That is so sweet of them.

(Vader opens the package.)

V: Helmet polish?

A: Cool!

V: I *am* running low.

A: Yeah--and you just killed the guy who was nice enough to give you more. Nice going, genius.

V: But I didn't--

A: Don't you just feel like a jerk, now?

V: I--

A: The guy goes out of his way to get you something special and you just up and whack him. I can't believe--

V: Hey, my birthday was last week! He deserved what he got.

A: Uh-huh. Sure. So how are we supposed to get into all the cool parties now, brainiac?

V: We don't need Needa for that. I'm a party machine. Everyone knows it.

(pause)

V: Why are you laughing?

© 1998-2004 rabidbantha@hotmail.com