(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wasn't sure if I was ever going to use this scene for a monologue, since I don't consider it to be a "real" scene. Hence, the "Apocryphal" designation. But I went ahead and did it anyway. What the heck...)
(Vader, having failed to turn Luke, boards his shuttle and prepares to return to his Star Destroyer.)
ANAKIN: Something's not right, here.
VADER: You're just now figuring this out? My son's gone, I've failed my Emperor...and all that exertion's got my codpiece chafing me something fierce!
A: No, no, that's not--
V: I mean, what was I thinking? A codpiece. Who wears those?
A: That's actually a pretty good question--but not what I was talking about. I just...have this feeling that there's something really exciting happening this very moment, and we're...interrupting it, somehow.
V: Oh, please. What could possibly be more interesting than this leisurely shuttle-ride to my ship?
(Elsewhere, Luke is being rescued by the Falcon from the bottom of Cloud City, and the ship goes screaming off into space, with TIE Fighters in dogged pursuit. But why waste time watching that? Back to the shuttle...)
A: You know what I think it is?
V: I'm breathless with anticipation.
A: I think it's the Flannelled One.
V: Oh, not with the Flannelled One nonsense again.
A: It's not nonsense! You saw that report on the holofeed last night!
V: Listen. For the last time, the Flannelled One is a myth. I don't care how many special reports they do on him, he's just an urban legend.
A: But--
V: There is no mysterious bearded man traipsing about, trying to change the very fabric of history. As if anyone even *has* that kind of power.
A: No?
V: No.
A: Then what about Greedo?
V: What about him?
A: Remember how you used to have that security camera footage from the Mos Eisley cantina, showing Greedo getting blasted by Captain Solo--before he even got off a shot?
V: Heh. Yeah...it was the screen saver on my computer for months.
A: They showed that same footage on the report last night, didn't they? And it showed Greedo shooting first!
V: So what? Clearly someone tampered with the footage.
A: Yeah--the Flannelled One! More likely, he tampered with the event itself.
V: If this "Flannelled One" could alter history itself, how could anybody even remember the original version of events? We're a part of that history--we'd be altered, too.
A: Hey, I'm not Answer Guy, here. Maybe the "cultural amnesia" he's trying to spread isn't as effective as he thinks. Maybe some people are immune to his efforts, somehow.
V: Or maybe--the Flannelled One is just a figment of peoples' imagination.
A: Or maybe--we're all just a figment of *his*.
(pause)
V: Wow. That's, uh...that's pretty deep, man.
A: Isn't it? Our lives, our very universe could be hinging on the whims of someone who can't stop fiddling around. How scary is that?
(pause)
V: Now that you mention it, my lightsaber was looking a little...pink back there, wasn't it?
A: See? SEE?!
V: And for a second there, I thought I heard Luke give this wussy girly-scream on his way down the shaft--but then I realized he hadn't. Must have been a trick of the wind...
A: Or a trick of the Flannelled One. Think about it--all your precious memories could be cast aside and replaced whenever someone wants to "upgrade" things. And you'd be helpless to do anything about it.
(The shuttle docks on the Executor, and Vader exits.)
V: Brrr. Did you feel that?
A: What?
V: It felt as if millions of voices cried out in annoyance--and were completely ignored...
� 1998-2004 rabidbantha@hotmail.com
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