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Major spoilers below!
Thanks to Don Bertino and David Tomida for making this script. Check out other Disney attraction scripts at the Bertino Disney Archives
You enter the cabin of the StarSpeeder 3000, and take your place in one of the five rows of seats. In front of you is a gray shield with the Star Tours logo on it. To the right of that is a t.v. screen. After a Disney Cast Member makes sure everyone is buckled in, the ride begins.
The t.v. screen comes on, and you see a droid, C3PO.
C3PO:"Hello, I am C3P0, human-cyborg relations. Welcome aboard the StarSpeeder 3000. Please make sure your safety restraints are securely fastened at this time. To fasten, pull the strap out from the right side of the seat, and snap it into the console to your left. Galactic regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seats. Oh, and flash photography and smoking are absolutely prohibited while on board. Thank you, and do have a nice flight!"
You see another droid, your pilot, on the TV screen. The droid is voiced by Paul Reubens (that's right...Pee-Wee Herman).
Rex:"Welcome abord. Iam here from the cockpit. I know this is probably your first flight...and it's mine too...ha, ha. Well, it looks like it's going to be a smooth flight to Endor, so I'll go ahead and open the cockpit shield." (The shield in front of all the seats lowers, revealing Rex in person in the left corner of the ship. In the center of the ship is our window to sightsee out of. Right now, all we see is a door.)
Rex:"Hi there! I see they're loading our navigator R2D2," (t.v. shows R2D2 being loaded into the top of the StarSpeeder) "and then we'll be on our way - so sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." (Our ship shifts and starts to raise up to the runway.)
Control Tower:"Star Tours forty-five, elevator platform, commence final pre-flight check"
Rex:"Roger, control, all status go."
Control Tower:"Star Tours forty-five, you are cleared for takeoff. Contact departure control at one-two-zero-point four"
Rex:"Copy one-two-zero point four"
(We see another StarSpeeder ship ahead of us going into an area marked 'To launching area'. Our ship all of a sudden makes a very jolting left turn - and we are now headed through some doors marked 'Maintenance Bay - Stay Clear'!)
Control Tower:"Forty-five, you're going the wrong way! Stop immediately!"
Rex:"Uh-oh, wrong way. Brakes. Brakes! Where are the brakes? Ahhhhh!" (We fall over a sharp drop into the maintenance area. Look for the Mighty Microscope from the entrance to the former attraction Adventure Thru Inner Space off to the right before you exit the maintenance bay. It's a homage to the Disneyland attraction that used to be where Star Tours is. See this part for yourself in the Star Tours Quicktime Video Library. Our ship goes through a hole in the back of the maintenance bay area into deep space. We can see the ship that was in front of us on the runway moving against the stars. That ship jumps to light speed and is gone.)
Rex:"Uhhh - I meant to do that. A little shortcut...ha ha!" (Star Wars theme music cuts in sharply) "R2!," (R2D2 whistles) "Light speed to Endor!" stars whizz by us at light speed. We are being pushed back into our seats - due to the fact that we are traveling at light speed. The t.v. flashes the message on it "Approaching Endor". We then see Endor fly by as we pass it. The t.v. then flashes the message "Leaving Endor".)
Rex:"R2!?! We passed the Endor moon!" (R2D2 beeps. In front of us we see streaming particles of ice coming closer to us.) "Now what's the matter? Comets? Comets! Ladies and gentlemen there may be some turbulence up ahead, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened!"
(Our ship dodges some oncoming comets, then comes uncomfortably close to one oncoming comet and then goes into the comet.
Rex:"I have a very bad feeling about this! Ahhhh..!" Our ship swerves right and left to avoid hitting the sides of any of the narrow ice crystal pathways inside the comet. It is like going through a maze. Our ship comes to a dead end within the comet - a solid wall of ice. We explode right through the ice wall and find that we are back in outer space, free from the confines of the comet.)
Rex:"Well, you can relax now. Everything's under control, and ah, we will be on our way to the Endor moon with any further delay." (Our ship is gradually leaning more and more to the right as REX is saying this. It is clear everything is not under control. R2D2 beeps. In front of us we see a ship, a huge ship - an Imperial Star Destroyer. Our ship is being pulled closer and closer to its underbelly. The t.v. flashes the message, "System Override".)
Rex:"Oh no! We're caught in a tractor beam!!" (We see flying around in front of our ship attacking X-Wing fighters [the good guys] and Tie Fighters [the bad guys]. The t.v. screen breaks in with an image of an X-Wing fighter pilot talking to us...)
X-Wing pilot:"Star Tours?!? What are you doing here? This is a combat zone, it's restricted! Ease off on your main thrusters." (Rex eases off the rear thruster, and we are free of the tractor beam. We are now caught in the middle of a battle between the Rebels and the Empire. We see ships fly about firing away against the backdrop of the Death Star. Our ship begins to get fired upon, so we begin to fire against oncoming Tie Fighters. We then feel a massive jolt, and our ship plummets towards the Death Star suddenly. The t.v. flashes the message, "Malfunction".)
Rex:"Ahhhh...we've been hit! R2, get the stabilizer fixed...and hurry!We're losing altitude fast!" (We hang for a little while, and then evidently R2 does restore power back to our ship. The t.v. flashes the message, "Systems OK".
X-wing pilot:"Red 24, Red 30, Follow me."
Rex:"O.K., I've always wanted to do this - we're going in!" (We fly toward the surface of the Death Star, and just about hit the back of an X-Wing fighter in front of us) "Yikes!" (Rex pulls the ship back to avoid hitting the X-Wing fighter.)
(Our ship follows the X-Wing fighters in front of us against the varied surface of the Death Star. We swerve in and out of openings, and dodge enemy shot blasts. Our ship follows the other ships and flies up and circles around, then goes back toward the Death Star headed toward the trench.
Rex:"Yaaahooo!!!"
X-wing Pilot:"Red 24, I'm going in!" In the trench, we blast a couple of oncoming Tie Fighters.
X-wing Pilot:"Target range"
We watch as the X-Wing fighter in front of us drops two shots down the exhaust port at the end of the trench to blow up the Death Star. We see an explosion start to come up from the port. Our ship quickly raises up.)
Rex:"We did it!"
X-Wing pilot:"All ships - jump to light speed."
Rex:"Hang on back there, light speed!" (Our ship once again travels at light speed. When we come out of it, we are near the Star Tours spaceport. We can see other StarSpeeder 3000's taxi along below us. We enter into a docking bay, and are headed straight for a moving truck marked 'Flammable' on the side!)
Rex:"Brakeeeeesss!!!!" (Our ship comes to grinding hault, and starts to lower to the area where we got on.)
Rex:"Hey sorry folks, I am sure to be better next time. It was my first flight, and I'm still getting used to my programming!" (The shield at the front of the ship starts to raise up) "Hey!, Hey!"
(The t.v. comes on and C3P0 says something like, "We hope you enjoyed your flight. When the captain has opened the exit doors, you may then unlatch your safety restraints by pressing the release button on your left. Oh, and do make sure you have your personal belongings. Thank you. Good day!" The Star Wars music kicks in hard. We exit the ship into a hallway decorated with posters for Star Tours destinations, like Hoth, Bespin, Endor, and Tattoine. We exit into a Star Tours/Star Wars gift shop.)
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