>Women, the following signs may indicate that you are drunk....

"Ow."  Stephanie's soft murmur echoed through the silent car.

Lita spun around to glare at her.  "Oh will you SHUT UP?  You get one stupid stinkface and you won’t shut up about it, while the rest of us bust our asses wrestling every damn night and don’t complain half as much as you.

Stephanie stuck her lower lip out in a pout.  "Hey, you guys don’t know how disgusting Rikishi is.  Besides," she looked around the car, "no one else here wrestles except you."

Molly crossed her arms over her chest.  "I'd wrestle if they ever put me in matches."

Trish coughed from the driver's seat.  "I...uhm...I used to wrestle.....once....I had a strap match one time..."

Stephanie smirked triumphantly and Lita returned to her seat to fume.

It hadn’t been a good week for the women of the WWF, not even close.  Stephanie was still upset about the stinkface she got, Molly and Lita weren't getting along due to their match, and Trish was about to kill all of them for annoying her.  In a last-ditch attempt to keep the locker room from breaking out in a giant catfight, Vince had begged them to go out, calm down a bit.  Which is how the women ended up outside a very....interesting....establishment called Freddie's Bar and Grill.

As the women watched inside, every single one of their faces turned to disgust.  "This place is nasty!" exclaimed Stephanie, staring at the cracked Formica on the tables.

"We're gonna get splinters from the damn chairs," agreed Lita.

Molly only turned red, and muttered "Uhm...guys....I don’t drink."

Trish placed her hands on her hips and shot the others the evil eye from under her cowboy hat.  "Look, we came here because all of you have been absolutely impossible to get along with lately.  I brought you guys here to have fun and you are going to have fun, do you understand me?"

Stephanie wrinkled up her face.  "Fine, but if I snap from the terrible music, it’s your fault."  She shot a glare at the Garth Brooks-blaring speakers sitting by the bar.

Lita turned to look at the bar.  "I'm gonna get something to drink."

Molly sat down in the booth.  "I'll stay, but I'm not gonna drink.  I don't see any point in spending your money on something that will just kill your brain cells and make you walk funny."

Trish sat down and rested her head on the table.  It was going to be a long night....and she was incredibly tired from dealing with three angry divas all day....and if there was anything medical school had taught her, it was how to take naps in strange places....

****Four Hours Later******

Trish stirred from her sleep and looked around.  The bar was an entirely different place.  Gone was the cigarette smoke, bad lighting, and country music.  Now strobe lights and dance music played over the floor, which had been cleared of many of its tables to make room for people to dance.  Trish glanced over at where Molly used to be.  "You hanging in there?"  That was when she realized Molly was gone....as were Lita and Stephanie.  Trish panicked for a moment until she caught sight of her friends. Her fear diminished for a moment, then came back when she saw what the girls had gotten up to....

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
>converse with other members of the same sex without spitting.

Trish decided it might be easiest to start with Stephanie, who was sitting at the bar, flirting with Karina, the bartender, who was decked out in the finest fishnets and black lipstick.  Stephanie smiled when she saw Trish coming.  "Hey Trishie, how's it going?"

Trish shook her head.  "Steph, say it, don’t spray it.  You're lisping."  She glanced at Karina.  "Has she been like this long?"

Karina smiled.  "Yeah, it’s been umbrella season here for the last hour or so...you might wanna take her home.  She doesn’t make much sense anymore."

Trish grabbed Stephanie by the arm.  "Come on, let's go back to the booth."

Stephanie let herself be dragged, but kept whining "No, I wanna stay...."  She was still lisping, and with every trip of her tongue, a little spit flew out of her mouth.

Trish just rolled her eyes and shoved Stephanie into the booth.  "Now, stay here while I find the others, ok?"  Stephanie just turned her head and pouted as Trish moved on to the next victim.
 

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
>whispering when you are not.

Trish found Molly sitting at a table close to the dance floor, looking out into the mass of people.  "What'cha doing, Mol?" Trish asked, sitting down to her fired, who she assumed would be sober.

Molly turned to look at her, a shine in her eyes that only comes from alcohol.  "I'm watching this girl!"  she squealed, pointing at a women about a foot from her.

Trish blinked.  "Ok honey.  Why are you watching her?"

Molly giggled.  "Cuz she's a full-on scorchcake!"  The woman in question glared back at Molly for a moment, then went back to her dancing.

Trish put her arm around Molly's shoulders.  "Molly, quick life lesson, when you're talking about someone behind their back, you should talk a little bit quieter."

Molly's face scrunched up in confusion.  "Trish...I'm whispering....how much quieter do you want me to be?  You want to hear me, right?"  She sniffled.  "You don't want me to shut up, right?  That's not it, is it?"

Trish sighed, patting her worried friend on the head.  "No, it’s ok.  Come on, why don’t you watch your scorchcake over here?"  Molly smiled brightly as Trish led her to the booth.  Which was now empty.  "Where the hell did Stephanie go?"  Trish asked in confusion.

Molly squinted, her eyes darting back and forth.  "Can I go find her?  Huh?  I can use my detective skills!"

Trish considered for a moment whether it would be worse to have Molly wandering around the bar or throwing a fit because Trish wouldn’t let her play secret agent.  "Fine, you go find her, but then come right back her, do you understand me?"

Molly saluted Trish.  "You can count on me!"

Trish watcher her run off.  "So much for not drinking."  She collected her sanity and set off to find Lita.

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
>burns on the forehead.

It didn't take long.  Lita stood in the bathroom, rubbing at a red spot on her forehead.  Trish walked up from behind her.  "What happened?"

Lita shrugged.  "Actually, I don’t know.  One moment I was just fine, the next thing I remember I had this thing.

Trish thanked the goddess of platform shoes as she reached up to examine Lita's forehead.  "Uhm, Lita?  You've got a rug burn."

Lita giggled.  "Oh, is THAT what it is?"

Trish blinked, too overwhelmed to react.  "Lita, babe...how'd you get a rug burn on your head?"

Lita thought for a moment.  "I don’t know..."  She grinned.  "I guess I must be really flexible!"

Trish whimpered as she dragged Lita towards the table.  On the way, a woman wearing a leather jacket and jeans that were at least two sizes too small snapped the side of Lita's thong, which was characteristically hanging out of her hip-hugger pants.  "Thanks for a night to remember," she purred.

Lita grinned at her, while Trish just whimpered and continued pulling her friend along.  "You should know better than to have sex with strangers," she lectured.

Lita rolled her eyes.  "Well Stephanie was too busy with the bartender, and I couldn’t have sex with Molly.  That would be taking advantage of her. She's DRUNK!"

Trish rubbed her eyes in frustration.  "And you aren't?"

Lita shook her head, then grabbed the table to steady herself.  "No.  I'm just a little tipsy."  She laughed.  "Besides.  It’s Molly!  You can’t take advantage of Molly...she's....she's.....WOW!  She's a really cool dancer!"

Trish tuned around just in time to see.....

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
>retard.

Molly and Stephanie stood only inches away from each other on the dance floor, grinding their hips and generally getting into their dancing.  They were also singing along, loudly.  And doing a performance number.  They sang the words as if screaming at each other.

"No chains to unlock, he's free to do what he wants...."  Stephanie started, swinging her hands above her head.

"He's into what he's got..."  Molly continues, leaning forward towards Stephanie.

"He loves me..."  Stephanie ran her hands down her body in a lewd, over-exaggerated gesture.

"He loves you not. "  Molly followed, but the sudden movement knocked her off-balance, and she fell over, knocking over two other nearby people in the process.

"Hey, watch what the fuck you're doing!" yelled one, the "scorchcake" of earlier.

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
>tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Stephanie pushed the woman.  "Hey!  Don’t swear at Molly!  She's sweet and innocent!"

Molly put her hands on her hips.  "Yeah!  That's fucking right I'm sweet and innocent!"

The woman just glared at Stephanie.  "Don’t you tell me what to do, girlie!"

Stephanie gasped.  "How could you...how DARE you talk to me like that?  Do you know who I am?  I'm a McMahon!  I....I....I OWN you!"

The other woman stared at Stephanie in disbelief.  "Hey, whatever crack you're on, you need to stop smoking it, ok?  You aren’t even making sense anymore."

Stephanie screamed in anger and rushed at the woman, slapping at her with all the power her alcohol-affected muscles could manage.  Meanwhile....

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
>invisible.

Molly closer her eyes and started to walk forward towards the fight.  "If I can’t see her, she can’t see me!"  she exclaimed in what she thought was a whisper.  The rest of the people on the dance floor just watched her in amusement as she crept up to where the fight was, swung....and missed, knocking herself to the floor.  Her eyes flew open as she saw the very angry woman standing above her.  "LITA!!!!"  Molly screamed.  "HELP!!!!"

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
>ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

Lita was in no condition to help, however, because while Trish was stuck watching Molly and Stephanie in horror, she had crept over to the payphone and was deep in conversation with Chyna.  Trish ran over to her.  "Lita...come on, we have to help out Molly and Steph...they're in over their heads..."

Lita sniffled.  "I can’t...the dancing...it just reminded me of ....Chyna....how it was before we broke up...."

Trish raised an eyebrow.  "Has Chyna ever danced in her life?"

Lita whimpered.  "That' s not the point!  It got me all lonely now..."

Trish glanced at the phone.  "Is Chyna who you called?"  Lita nodded, a tear slipping down her face.  Trish wrenched the phone away from her. "Hello?  Yeah, sorry about that...no, she's fine...yeah...no, we don’t need you.....no you may not spank her ass....NO you may NOT spank mine.."  Trish shuddered, hanging up the phone.  "Come on, let's go kick some ass."

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
>Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

Trish hadn’t thought things could get worse in the fight, but they did.  Stephanie was curled up on the floor, sucking on her broken nail, while Molly was holding off her opponent by assuming the praying mantis position.  Trish knelt down to tend to Stephanie while Lita stared down the other woman.  The woman rushed at Lita, who moved out of the way just in time.  The fight proceeded between the two women until Lita hopped up on a table.  "Don’t make me do my moonsault on you!" she threatened.

The other woman just stared at her in confusion, walking towards her with the intent of pulling her off the table.  Then, se was caught be a sharp kick in the back and fell.

Everyone turned to look at Molly, who had maintained her praying mantis position long enough to get the opportunity to get in her kick.  In the shocked silence, Trish seized her opportunity.  Taking one of Molly's hands and one of Stephanie's, she ran out the door, Lita following close after once she hopped off the table.

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
>and over again that you love them.

"Trish, you’re my hero...." Stephanie slurred, still spitting on her lisps.  "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

Trish just rolled her eyes and kept driving.  "Yeah, sure, save it for a time when I don't have the urge to kill you."

Molly giggled from the passenger seat.  "Oh come on Trish, you know you love taking care of us, right?"

Lita leaned forward, tracing her tongue along Trish's neck.  "Trish?" she said sensually.

Trish's neck arched involuntarily.  "Yeah Lita?"  she asked quietly

Lita flicked her tongue a few more times.  "Can we stop at one more place?"

>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

It was only with Stephanie literally threatening her job that Trish dragged herself into the next bar.  This one seemed much more orderly, but Trish saw right away why Lita had chosen this place.  Almost ready to cry, Trish just took a seat and waited.

When their number was called, Molly ran up on stage, but Lita and Stephanie paused for a moment.  "Come on Trish...there's four parts, so we need four people...."

Trish glared at him.  "No.  I am NOT going up there."

Lita just grinned evilly, scooped up Trish, and carried her onto stage.  The music started and as Trish sighed in resigned defeat, her three friend started to sing.
 

Where's all my soul sisters
Let me hear y'all flow sisters

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister

Stephanie stepped forward towards the microphone, taking the first part.

He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge
Strutting her stuff on the street
She said, hello, hey Joe
You wanna give it a go, oh

The other girls joined in, singing the words that almost everyone in the bar knew.

Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da (hey hey hey)
Gitchi gitchi ya ya hee (hee oh)
Mocca chocolata ya ya (ooh yeah)
Creole Lady Marmalade (ohh)

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (oh oh)
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
 

Molly sashayed up to the microphone next, dancing and singing the next part.

He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
Boy drank all that magnolia wine
On her black satin sheets
Is where he started to freak, yeah

Once again, Lita and Stephanie joined in, this time with Trish whispering the words.

Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da (da da yeah)
Gitchi gitchi ya ya hee (ooh yeah yeah)
Mocca chocolata ya ya (yeah, yeah)
Creole Lady Marmalade, uh

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (ce soir)
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ooh)

Swinging her hips, Lita wrapped her hands around the microphone and started to rap.

Yeah, yeah, aw
We come through with the money and the garter belts
Let 'em know we 'bout that cake, straight out the gate
We independent women, some mistake us for whores
I'm saying, why spend mine when I can spend yours
Disagree, well that's you and I'm sorry
I'ma keep playing these cats out like Atari
Wear high heeled shoes, getting love from the Jews
Four bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge
Hey sisters, soul sisters
Betta' get that dough sisters
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass
By the case, the meaning of expensive taste
We wanna gitchi gitchi ya ya (come on)
Mocca chocolata (what)
Creole Lady Marmalade

The other women stared at Trish, who shook her head "no" emphatically.  Lita shrugged and picked up Trish again and set her in front of the microphone.  With all the staring eyes upon her, Trish felt the spirit of performance come over her, and she started to sing.

Hey, hey, hey
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, oh
Color of cafe au lait, alright
Made the savage beast inside
Roar until he cried

More, more, more

The other women applauded, before taking their switching off parts.

Now he's back home doing nine to five (nine to five)
Living a gray flannel life
But when he turns off to sleep, memories keep
More, more, more

All four women crowded the microphone for the end of the song.

Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da (da da)
Gitchi gitchi ya ya hee (ohh)
Mocca chocolata ya ya (ooh)
Creole Lady Marmalade

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (ce soir)
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (all my sisters, yeah)
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (ce soir)
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ohh)

The women got in one bow before Molly passed out, Lita started crying over Chyna again, and Stephanie was trying to dance.  Trish just sank to the floor, put her head in her hands, and hoped that the hangovers the next morning would kill her friends.