Disclaimer: X-Files and it's characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Television. I'm not making a dime off of it, I promise.
 

Scully sat outside the small empty room that they'd found down the hall. Mulder was inside making his statement to the police. She was left to keep rerunning the whole thing in her mind, like a bad song you can't stop thinking of no matter how hard you try to purge it.

"I'm gonna kill you Modell."

 "Your turn Scully. Gotta play by the rules."

 "Mulder, fight him..."

 *Oh, God* Scully put her clenched hands to her face and pressed hard on her closed eyes, trying to rub out the pictures...the words. Yes, she had been frightened. Oh, yes. Frightened when she saw the look in Mulder's eyes when he had turned the gun on her. Torture, that was the only way to describe what she had seen there. Would he have...? No. She couldn't let herself even consider it. He wouldn't. He would have overcome it, somehow.

The door opened, and she looked up. Two police officers exited, then Mulder. She stood up and moved toward him. "Mulder..." He waved her away without looking at her. He turned and walked quickly down the hallway. "Mulder!" she called out. He walked faster, breaking nearly into a run as he hit the door.
 
 

It was nearly 10 p.m. Scully had been calling him since she got home, left 4 or 5 messages, called his cell phone a dozen times with no answer. Sent an e-mail, then checked her own at least every 20 minutes. She'd soaked in a hot bath. Drank some tea. Tried to read the paper, but gave up after she'd read the same paragraph 4 times. *Where the hell is he?* Anger was starting to wash over her concern for him. *He must know I'd be looking for him* she thought *Damn him!* She sighed. There was no use sitting here in her pajamas, she wouldn't be able to sleep. She slid on some sweats, then grabbed her jacket as she went out the door.

 His apartment was empty. It didn't look like he'd even been there today. The newspaper was still in front of the door. An empty coffee cup sat next to his computer, the dregs solidified in the bottom. She turned the computer on and scanned his mail for a clue to where he might be. Nothing but her messages to him and something from Frohicke. She tried to think. Suddenly, she knew where he had gone.
 
 

Scullly pulled her jacket closer against the chill as she walked. She squinted, trying to make out the form on the bench. Her anger left her. *Thank God* was all she could think. Mulder was looking out across the water when she approached.

"Is this seat taken?" she asked quietly.

 Mulder looked up at her. She couldn't read his eyes this time. He looked so tired. "No" he replied. "But I should warn you that I'm experiencing feelings of intense guilt and self loathing."

 Scully sat down. "Well, I'm happy to hear that this experience hasn't changed you any ,then." He managed a small smile. She sat back and looked out at the water. "You know, Mulder, I've been trying to reach you all night."

 "I figured you would be."

 She wasn't sure what to say next, so she kept silent for a few minutes, hoping that just by her presence he would know that she didn't blame him. Finally she turned to him. "I wish you hadn't run away" she said softly.

He looked down at the ground, chewing his lip. "Scully..." he said, then faltered.

"Mulder, I'm trying to imagine how you're feeling. I don't know what to say except that it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you."

 "Scully! I had a goddamn gun pointed at your head! Jesus! I was gonna...", he choked on the words.

 Scully jumped in. "But you didn't Mulder! You didn't."

 He made a disgusted sound. "The only reason you're not dead right now is because of your quick thinking with the fire alarm. "

 "You wouldn't have shot me, Mulder."

 He looked at her, incredulous. "How can you say that? I had my finger on the trigger!"

 "You wouldn't have shot me. I know."

 Mulder looked down and studied his hands. "You've got alot more faith in me than I have in myself right now."

 She put her hand on his arm and gave it a light squeeze. They sat like that for several minutes. When he raised his eyes, they were misty. "I just don't know if I can do this anymore," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Scully felt her arms go numb, cold.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

Mulder shook his head. "I can't put you in that kind of danger anymore. It's too much, it's too much..." Scully couldn't believe what she was hearing. He couldn't be thinking of dissolving their partnership...could he?

"Mulder, how many times have I heard you say that danger comes with the job, and we have to be prepared to accept that?"

 He nodded almost imperceptibly. "That was before."

 "Before what?"

 Silence.

 Mulder stood and took a few steps away, as if testing to see if the tether would break. He stood there, staring into the darkness, hands shoved deep into his coat pockets. Scully's mind was a jumble. What was he trying to tell her? Did he want her to quit? In all their cases together, she thought they had relied on each other. Looked out for each other. Was he saying she couldn't cut it? She began to feel a slow burn enveloping the pit of her stomach.

 "Mulder, do you think I'm stupid?" she asked in a level voice.

 He whirled on his heel to face her. "What? Scully..."

 "I said, do you think I'm stupid?"

 Mulder wasn't sure what she was getting at, but it was obvious that she was very serious. "No. I know you're not stupid."

 "Do you think I'm weak?" she asked, her face unreadable.

 "Scully, you're the strongest person I know." She knew he meant it.

 "Do you trust me, Mulder?"

 He looked at her with eyes pierced by pain. "Scully..." She barely heard him say her name.

 "Answer me! Do you trust me?"

 *How can she ask that?* her question hit him like a brick. He was afraid his heart would tear in two. When he was able to reply, his words were heavy. "I trust you more than anyone. More than anything."

 Scully closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, her anger was diffused by tenderness. "Mulder, I am a grown woman. The decisions I make are mine alone, for my own reasons. I am your partner. That means equal. I know you watch out for me, that's what partners do. But you can't protect me from everything, anymore than I could you."

 Mulder leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "You don't understand..."

 "Then help me understand! We've been through so much, and we've always come through- together." She bit her lip and had to turn away. "Are you saying you don't want me with you anymore?"

 He sighed. "I don't know when it happened Scully, but, things have changed. And today..." He shook his head as if to loose the demons colliding inside. "I can accept death. For me. I'm not afraid. What I'm afraid of is..." He wasn't sure if he could continue. His throat felt thick. "I don't want you to go first. If I lose you again, there's nothing left for me, Scully."

 Neither of them spoke for a long time. Scully broke through first.

 "How do I defend myself here Mulder? Don't you think I worry about you when you go off half cocked on some crazy thing? What if the tables had been turned today - what then? What if I'd been the one holding the gun?"

 "You wouldn't have shot me."

 "Can you be sure?" she asked him.

 "Yes. I am sure."

Scully felt suddenly weary, and so, so alone. "I'm not going to resign, you know." she said finally.

 Mulder nodded. "I'm taking a little vacation. Drive south.... take some time and think for a while."

 "How long will you be gone?" she asked, afraid to hear the answer.

 He hesitated. "A week, maybe two... I don't know."

Scully was still sitting on the bench, elbows on her thighs, staring down at her scuffed running shoes. Mulder turned to leave. She saw his shoes stop in front of hers. A hand on her , gentle, stroked her hair. *Oh, God don't do that!* she thought as her eyes filled.

 Then he was gone.
 
 

Scully worked like a fiend for the next two days. She didn't go home until the building was so quiet that she suddenly noticed the silence and the empty hallways. She had enlisted Agent Pendrell's help to finish up a case and he was following her like a puppy dog, but even he had had enough by 8 o'clock. He invited her out for something to eat, but she really hadn't had much of an appetite. The look on his face when she turned him down was so pathetic, she almost changed her mind. "Pendrell, I appreciate you asking me, I really do. I just don't think I'd be very good company tonight."

 He nodded, and started to say something, but stopped as he thought better of it. "Well, goodnight Agent Scully. You know, I appreciate your letting me help you while Agent Mulder's away. I'm glad to do it." He smiled.

 *Oh boy* she thought. *The poor guy. He doesn't know what a mess he'd really be getting himself into with me.*

 "Goodnight Agent Pendrell."
 
 

Scully leaned back against her front door as she closed it behind her. She flipped a light on. A nice apartment. Clean. Well decorated. Empty. The loneliness she'd felt in the past 2 days had surprised her. She'd started a pot of coffee that first day in the office, knowing she would only drink a cup or two, but the ritual made her feel better. She found she couldn't work there long, though. Too quiet. The familiar scent of his cologne was missing. No "Hey Scully, come look at this."

He was right, she thought. Something has changed.

 She hung her coat up and made some tea. She grabbed a bag of cookies on her way out of the kitchen, planning to vegitate in front of the TV and drown herself in junk food. But out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash from the computer, indicating an e- mail message was waiting. She quickly logged on and pulled up the message.

"S-

 I know you think I'm a rat for running off. I hope I can make you understand. Neither one of us is very good at saying things that are close to our hearts. Maybe I'll do better over the internet. You can't imagine how I felt after the incident with Modell. I was looking right at you, looking right in your eyes, knowing I couldn't stop. If there is such a thing as hell, I was in it then. If I had shot you, my life would have been over. I know what you're saying right now. "That was a freak thing, what are the odds of anything like that ever happening again?" But what about all the other times Scully? Times when it's been so close...too close. I know you said you are responsible for your own decisions. I know you are. But aren't I responsible too? Think about it. How did you get into this mess in the first place? If I didn't have this...obsession, you wouldn't be here working with me. You wouldn't have gotten assigned to the X- Files. I can accept that I'm screwing my life up, but I don't know if I can accept that I'm screwing yours up too. Yes- this is not exactly professional detachment. But you probably have figured out by now that that went out the window long ago. I can't describe it any other way except to say, you are my other half. I love you. And you've seen what's happened to people I love. I don't want that to happen to you.

 Don't reply. Just think about it.

 M"

 Scully sat staring at the screen for a good 3 minutes before realizing that her mouth was gaped open. *I need a drink.* She went to the cupboard and found the only liqour that she kept, a partially filled bottle of whiskey left from several Christmases ago. She poured two fingers in a glass, threw in some ice, and layered flat 7-Up over it. She stirred it quick with her finger and gulped down about half.

*What the hell* she thought, and quickly followed with the other half, making a grimace as it went down. Leaning back against the kitchen counter, she gripped it with both hands to steady herself, whether from the liquor or the shock she wasn't quite sure. *Am I completely dense?* She ran her hands through her hair and pulled it back hard from her face. *How could I not know? How could he keep something like that from me when we're together as much as we are?*

 Scully refilled her glass and carried it unsteadily to the living room. She grabbed the throw off of the couch and sat down with a thud in the big wing chair, tucking her knees up to her chest and wrapping herself up tight in the soft familiar cloth. Sipping her drink, pictures were tumbling through her mind, words, memories. How could this have happened? And when? She couldn't put her finger on a time or place when she became aware that there was something different about their relationship. But there was.

She had always cared about him, worried about him, wondered about what made him the way he was. As he had unfolded his life to her over the past few years, she had begun to realize that he wasn't just unconventional. He was unique. Special. Special in a way few people would ever know, because he wouldn't allow it. He had opened the door for her, hesitantly at first, then with trust and reliance. First, their relationship had fulfilled her professionally. But, as time went on, it began to fill a void in her life that she hadn't really known existed.

She'd never been very outgoing socially. She had few friendsthat she considered close, and didn't easily share herself with people. She'd always been somewhat of a loner. It was a while before she noticed that Mulder would sometimes know what she was thinking. She would look at him and know that he understood, without the words that so often got in her way, words that denied and distanced. It felt good.

 Scully leaned back in the chair and finished off her drink. Her belly was warm and her head felt heavy. She tightened the blanket around her and leaned her head back. As she drifted off a last thought came to mind.

 *I miss you Mulder.*
 
 

Despite the backache Scully woke up with after falling asleep in the chair, she managed to put in a productive day, if not an exciting one. Toxicology tests to check, autopsy reports to finish, and, as always, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. She was priding herself on how well she was staying on task. Every time her mind started to wander to last night, she pulled another stack of papers from the "to do" tray on the desk.

Finally, her growling stomach interrupted, and she looked at the clock. Only 1:30 p.m. and her work was about finished for the day. *That's what I get for being so damned organized* she thought. *Now what am I gonna do for the rest of the day?* The thought of a free afternoon didn't thrill her. When she couldn't find one more 'T' to cross, she gave up and grabbed her coat. Scully reached for the phone and dialed a familiar number.

 "Hi mom. Yeah, it's me. Do you want to meet me for an early dinner?"

 Scully met her mom at a favorite restaurant of theirs that was about an equal drive for them both. She was relieved to see her mother's face when she walked into the restaurant, so loving and warm.

She kissed Margaret on the cheek and gave her a long hug.

 "My goodness Dana! Are you prepping me for bad news?" she said with a smile.

 "Can't a girl just be glad to see her mom?" Scully answered, trying to keep her demeanor from revealing what was going on inside.

 "Of course sweetie. We haven't done this in so long! Why are you done so early today - taking a little well deserved vacation time?"

 "No, but my partner is, so business is kind of slow. I've done so much paperwork today my eyes were crossing."

 Margaret laughed. "I imagine it's pretty quiet there without Fox to keep things stirred up."

*No, mom, he manages to stir things up even when he's not here*, Scully thought, and let a sigh escape.

 Margaret looked at her daughter with a mother's intuition. Scully could almost hear her mom going "Hmmm..." But Scully knew she wouldn't press her. And she certainly wasn't going to bring it up - she wanted to get her mind off of it. "Mom, how about a glass of wine?"

"That sounds lovely."

 They spent the next hour talking , laughing and eating a sumptuous dinner. Several glasses of wine later, Margaret approached the subject hiding just under the surface. "So, Dana, where did Fox go for vacation?"

 "Um, I don't know mom. He was just going to drive and stay wherever the urge hit him I guess."

 "I see. When will he be back?"

 "I don't know that either. He wasn't too forthcoming with information about it." Scully said, suddenly finding the stem of her wine glass very intriguing. Margaret just nodded. *The all-knowing mom nod* thought Scully. *I may as well give it up, she knows*

 "Mom - Mulder and I have had a little... problem. A few days ago he informed me that he was...worried that we may not be effective anymore as a team because, well, because he worries too much!" She drained the last drops of wine from her glass and waited.

 "Dana, what brought this on? Or don't I want to know?" Scully and her mother had reached an agreement early on that Margaret did not want to hear about her dangerous cases. She respected her daughter so much, and she knew that her work with the FBI meant the world to her. But, as a mother, she couldn't hear about the hazards that Scully was constantly exposed to. It was too difficult. So she never asked, and Scully never volunteered information.

 "You don't want to know."

Margaret looked down at her hands and swallowed hard. *Dana's still here,* she told herself. *She's fine.* She ventured a look at Scully, and composed herself. "What is it Dana? Do you want to tell me?"

 Scully sighed, audibly this time. "I don't know what to think Mom. We had a...difficult case...and Mulder ran away and wouldn't talk to me afterward! I finally tracked him down and he said he was afraid that his, um, feelings for me were getting in the way of our work."

 Margaret spoke softly. "Does that bother you?" She looked at her only remaining daughter, her precious girl, and she knew that some difficult choices were ahead for her.

 Scully was chewing the inside of her lip. "I don't know Mom. You know when I was first assigned to the X-Files, I wasn't too happy about it. But it's turned out to be so fulfilling...professionally, I mean..."

 "And what about personally, Dana? Is there room in your life for that? I had always hoped that someday you would have the kind of love that I had with your father, but you've always seemed so resistant to allowing anyone to get close to you. Before Fox, that is."

 Dana looked at her mother with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"

 "I mean, when I see the two of you together, I see two peas in a pod." Margaret hesitated. "Would you say that he's your best friend?"

 Scully thought about that for a minute. "Yeah... I guess so. He is. Oh, Mom, why do things have to be so complicated ?"

"Oh, honey. They don't have to be. It's we foolish humans who complicate things that are really so very, very simple."
 
 

As Scully opened her apartment door, she immediately glanced at her computer monitor. *I am truly pathetic* she thought, shaking her head. But the e-mail icon was blinking, and like a moth drawn to a porch light, she headed over to it. She scrolled down until she saw what she was looking for, and opened it.

 "S-

 I'm here in some moth eaten motel in Tennesee (Thank God for laptops!). The drapes are the color of last weeks's goulash. The bar is a soda machine on the other end of the building, with an ice machine next to it that has as many dead bug parts in it as ice cubes. The entertainment tonight consists of reruns of Charlie's Angels, or a fascinating documentary about the sex life of the african wombat. And all I keep thinking is, I wish Scully was here. I can only guess at what you're thinking since yesterday. I'm afraid to find out. Amazing, isn't it, the things we fear? Crazed psychopaths? No problem. But to look in someone's eyes, and know their soul, and to let them know yours....now there's terror for you. I don't want to change you Scully. I know you love your job, and maybe, in some roundabout way, you care a little for me too? I never meant to sound like I was making demands or ultimatums. I will have to figure out a way to deal with this- my fear of losing you. Or will you even want to remain with me and our work now that you know how I feel? I've probably screwed things up good by confessing my undying devotion to you. But I won't take it back. Ever.

 Don't reply. Just think about it.

 M"

 Scully blinked back tears. *What does he mean, maybe I care a little for him? Jesus, I've practically been from the top of the world to the bottom to save his ass! I've sat by his bed and watched him struggle to live. I've been there for him every time, every damn time! Doesn't he get it?* She rubbed her eyes with her palms to stop the flow. *He's scared.* she thought. She had become the one stable thing in his life, and if she rejected him... She had to smile through the tears - of course he knew she would be thinking that. And he would be afraid that it would pressure her into a decision she wasn't ready to make. *Oh, God! Why can't I fall for some college professor... solid, sensible...normal. Station wagon, 2 kids, pancakes on Sundays...* She sighed.

 Because he wouldn't be Mulder, that's why.
 
 

Saturday dawned overcast and rainy. Scully could hear the the drops pelting the windows before she even opened her eyes. She rolled over and thought about just staying in bed all morning, listening to the rain and snuggled beneath the covers. But soon enough her conscience was nudging her to get up. She wrapped a big soft robe around her and got the paper from outside the door. Curling up on the couch with a cup of tea, she read several articles before her mind turned to other things. She lay the paper down and stared out the window, the clouds racing by, gray and formless.

She wanted to e-mail Mulder. But he had specifically asked her not to. *I have to give him some time. He had a reason for asking me not to reply yet, I have to respect that.* She wasn't sure what she would say anyway. But she'd done alot of thinking last night, and had reached a few conclusions. If he could come to terms with it, she wanted to continue to be his partner in the X-Files. No matter where their personal relationship was headed, she felt that she was as committed to their work as he was (if for different reasons), and she wasn't ready to give that up. As for matters of the heart, well...that was a little more complicated. Mulder was her best friend. He accepted her no matter what. He respected her. And, "yes, I love him" she said aloud. Those were pretty good things to build on. But if his fears wouldn't allow him to let their relationship go to the next level, she wanted to take whatever he could give her. If friendship was all that he could concede them, she would cherish it, and stay by him. He was her other half, too. Scully knew this was against all of her rational thinking. But this time, reason had little to do with how she felt.

 She filled her day with all the mundane chores of life: dropping off dry cleaning, working out at the gym, shopping. The day continued dreary and sunless, and her spirits were dragging pretty low by the time she got home. As she put away the last of her groceries, Scully finally allowed herself to glance over at the computer monitor. There it was. She pulled up the message and nervously bit a nail while she read it.

 "S-

 I was thinking about the time you came to the arctic to get me. Even before I was conscious, I heard you. I knew you were there. I think I knew I loved you then. You brought me back Scully. The first thing I remember seeing was your beautiful smiling face. Like an angel. My guardian angel. No matter how determined I am to throw myself over the edge into the crater, you always catch me. I've given up trying to figure out how I deserve you, I don't. Grace, I think they call it. An unmerited blessing. It was grace that brought you into my life. I've been crazy to imagine I could somehow go on with my life without you, professionally or personally. I want you with me no matter what you decide about us. If you want to continue as we have, I will, and I won't ever bring this up again. If I am lucky, very very lucky, you may feel that there is a chance for us. I can't say that I won't worry about you, but I'll find a way to keep it to myself! I love you the way you are, and I want you to be happy.

 OK- I think I'm ready. Talk to me Scully

 M"

 Scully could hardly see the screen through her tears. There were so many things she wanted to say - I love you! I need you with me. I'll be your guardian angel for as long as God leaves me on this earth. I won't let you fall. But, in the end, she only wrote one thing.

 "Mulder-

 Come home.

 S"
 
 

She finally fell into an exhausted sleep after tossing and turning most of the night. She awoke with sun peeking through the blinds in her bedroom. With a sigh, she turned over and looked at the clock - it was after 9 a.m., which, for Scully, was practically sleeping the day away. She yawned and got out of bed, grabbing her robe as she went. *Coffee...* was the only thought on her mind at the moment. As she closed her bedroom door behind her, she looked up and saw him. Mulder. Asleep on the couch. She let out a soft "oh!" walked quietly over to him. His face was stubbly, and his hair looked like he'd been combing it with an eggbeater. She reached out and stroked his hair.

He stirred. "Hmm? Wha...Oh. Hi." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Scully sat down on the couch next to him.

"Boy, I must look like something the cat dragged in." Mulder continued. "I drove most of the night after I got your message." He clasped his hands together and looked down at them. "Scully, I...", he faltered.

 She reached over and took his hands in hers and stroked them with her thumbs. Strong hands. She remembered what his hands had been through for her, the blood, the tears. Finally she looked up at him.

 "I love you Mulder." she said simply. "I want to be with you."

 She felt him relax. His eyes expressed what his tight throat couldn't say at the moment. He untangled his hands from her grip and cradled her face with them, leaning his forehead against hers. As they met she let out a tiny sob. He gently kissed her wet eyelids, her nose, her mouth.

"We can do this, Scully" he whispered. She nodded. "I know I'm not...the kind of man you probably expected to have in your life." he continued. "But you'll always know I love you. You'll never have to wonder about that. I'll love you until my last breath."

 "I know." Scully said. And she did. She truly did.

 Comments to Linda at FKAM06A@prodigy.com

 

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