"I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"
"Screw you hippie!"
"Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!"
"OW! That hurts you butt licker!"
"I'll kick you in the nuts!"
ON IKE
"Yeah, go home you little dildo!"
ON ANAL PROBE AND ALIEN DENIAL
"God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!"
"You guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my salisbury steak!"
"Ah, son of a bitch! You guys shut up! I'm not under alien control!"
ON FARTS
"Somebody's baking brownies!"
ON HIS ASS BEING A CONVERSATION PIECE
"OK, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!? I'm sick of it! It's completely inmature!"
ON HAVING A SATELLITE UP HIS ASS
"You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!"
ON RAINBOWS
"Oh, I hate those things. Well, you know...You'll just be sitting there minding your own business and they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass- and you'll be like HEY! GET OUT MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOW!"
ON DOLPHINS
"Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise."
"Dolphins, Eskimoes, who cares! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!"
ON WENDY
"Oh, look, another hippie. Peace Wendy!"
ON BEING ON TV
"This is sweet. The camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!"
CARTMAN'S MESSAGE TO ALL VIA GERALDO
"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!"
ON SPARKY'S REACTION TO ANOTHER MALE DOG
"Huh, ...he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass but he's definately doing something to his ass!"
ON SPARKY
"That dog is a gay homosexual!"
"Stan's dog is a homo! Stan's dog is a homo!"
"Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog!"
"Man, that's the gayest dog I have ever seen!"
ON SPARKY RUNNING AWAY
"Maybe he went shopping for leather pants."
"Did you check the shopping mall?"
ON FARTING ON THE FIELD
"No I didn't! That was just my shoes!"
ON FLUFF'S POOP
"That's why my mom got me a pot-bellied pig, cause it's poop is small."
ON TERRENCE'S DAD SUGGESTING HE ADD A FEW ASSES TO FLUFFY
"You keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!"
ON PIP
"GO away Pip, nobody likes you."
"GOD DAMN IT! Would you shut the hell up!? Nobody gives a rat's ass!"
"Duh. French people piss me off!"
ON WHAT HE WOULD SAY IF A CHICK TRIED TO KICK HIS ASS
"Ya...if some girl tried to kick my ass, I;ld be like Hey!, why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman and make me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in the bedroom and have some sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!!"
"I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything I'ld be like Hey! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
ON KYLE'S MOM WANTING TO BAN 'TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'
"That's a bunch of crap!Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!"
(To Kyle)"Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer!"
"Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!"
ON JACK LABORKIAN
"Hey! Maybe we can get him to kill Kyle's mom!"
ON STAN KILLING HIS GRANDPA
"Just kill him, dude! Maybe he'll give you some money."
ON STAN'S GRANDPA TRYING TO GET CARTMAN TO KILL HIM
"I would never kill somebody, not unless they pissed me off."
"You piece of crap! I'll kill you!"
"Aw! I can't believe that son of a bitch!"
ON SNACKY CAKES
"OOOhhh! Snacky Cakes!? Good Day!"
ON 'TERRANCE AND PHILLIP' BEING CANCELED AND REPLACED WITH 'SHE'S THE SHEIRFF
(To Kyle) "You son of a bitch! Your mom sucks!"
"NO!! GOD, NO!!"
ON WHAT TO DO SINCE 'TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'WAS CANCELED
