ON KATHY LEE GIFFORD BEATING HIM IN TALENT SHOW WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN
"It...it wan't fair! She had choreography. How could we compete with that!?"
ON MR. HAT'S PLAN TO KILL KATHY LEE
"Huh, no Mr. Hat, I couldn't...kill...Kathy Lee Gifford!"
"No Mr. Hat, I won't do it!"
"You can just stay in the drawer, negative Nancy!"
"I can't kill her , Mr. Hat, you're going to have to do it."
ON KATHY LEE IN GENRAL
"TO HELL WITH KATHY LEE GIFFORD!"
WHAT WENDY HEARS
"Well, Mr. Hat, I guess Kathy Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years and I think we owe her for that. (Takes out gun)Ba-bang!!"
ON SEEING KATHY LEE IN PROTECTIVE BUBBLE
"Come on you little bitch! You've got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later!"
ON STAN AND WENDY TRYING TO TALK HIM OUT OF KILLING KATHY LEE
"Leave us! We must finish what we have begun!"
"It's too late for me, young Wendy!"
"That bitch must die!"
ON GRADING FAIRLY
"Eric, Stanly just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades, and we treat star athletes better, because they are better people."
ON HOMOSEXUALS
"Stanly...Gay people , well gay people are evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick , vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten viens and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"
ON CHEF THINKING HE IS GAY
"WHAT!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? I AM NOT GAY!"
"I just act that way to get chicks, Dumbass!"
ON THE CLASSES' EXCITEMENT OVER THE GENETIC ENGINEERING PROJECT
"Well Spank my ass and and call me Charlie! Isn't this exciting, two A-plus students in a cloning war."
FOOTBALL PEP TALK
"Boys, boys, I just want you all to know that I just bet my life's savings on you beating the spread. So, if you don't, I'll probably kill myself and take some of you with me."
ON THE FIVE-ASSED MONKEY
"OH! Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful!?"
ON 'TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'
"That's right Mr. Hat. Shows like 'Terrance And Phillip' are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds. You see children, these kinds of shows are senseless vile trash."
"There's more to life than two young men farting on each other."
ON KENNY'S EXPOLSIVE DIARRHEA
"Oh, I think I caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I got the green apple splatters."
"No, no, It was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me!"
