"Dude, they did huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!"
"Cartman, there's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!"
ON MISS CRABTREE
"Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch!"
"Well we can't do anything now, that fat bitch won't let us."
ON CARTMAN'S FARTS
"Damn Cartman!"
"It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire out of Cartman's rectum!"
"How can you eat when you're farting fire?!"
"Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more Cartman and the visitors are sure to come!"
"FART DAMN YOU!"
ON HIS VOMIT
"I think it's part of a Cheesey Poof."
"Thats...a hamburger from...that's from like two days ago."
"I don't know what the hell that is!"
ON CARTMAN GETTING IN SHAPE
"Yeah right you'll go sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesey Poofs, Ass master!"
ON HIS DOG, SPARKY
"DON't BE GAY SPARK! DON'T BE GAY!"
"Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?"
"NO!! IT'S NOT OK!! I DON'T WANT A GAY DOG!! I WANT A BUTCH DOG! I WANT A RIN TIN TIN!!"
ON HIS SISTER, SHELLY
"My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!"
ON KENNY'S EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA
"Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!"
ON HIS KILLING HIS GRANDPA
"No Grandpa, I'll get in trouble."
ON HIS GRANPA'S BRAIN-WASHING HIM TO FEEL WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE OLD
"Let me out Grandpa!I can't take it anymore! This music is terrible, it's...it's cheesey, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time."
"Grandpa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand."
ON CARTAMN SAYING TO JUST SHOOT GRANDPA INSTEAD OF USING COW TIED IN THE AIR
"You dumbass Cartman! It has to look natural or else we'll get busted."
ON PARENTS
Stan's Parents
"Damn it! You know, I'ld think if parents spent less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a better place."
ON WHAT TO DO SINCE 'TERRANCE AND PHILLIP' HAVE BEEN CANCELED
"I don't know. We...we could start breathing gas fumes."
