So as those of you who have spoken to me recently very well know, almost dying on my way to work has become a daily ritual. Now is this because I drive a crappy little toyota corolla lovingly named "Rusty". No! Rusty is particularly reliable, and a good car. My flirting with death is due to the incompetent driving habits of Southern Californians.
First problem: these idiots need to stop yaking on their cell phones while driving. They often do not notice when they are swerving in between lanes, or about to push me off the road, or about to ram into me in a parking lot, not understanding who has the right of way.
Second problem: Most of these idiots who yak also drive Ford Expeditions, or other enormous monsters. Thus, in the event of a collission, they would roll on top of me. And literaly roll, anyone checked up on the tip over ratings of SUV's? Not good, I'll tell you that much.
Third Problem: Jerks who drive expensive cars seem to think that the entire interstate system and roadways belong to them.
Allow me to elaborate. Today is tuesday, and already I have almost died twice. Yesterday I was driving to work, and just before you reach my office there is a very sharp turn for which you must slow down to around 20mph otherwise you will without any question slam into the railing on the right hand side. This portion is also a one lane road. On my way to work yesterday, as I was driving around this curve, some brazen asshole in his jaguar decided to cut me off on this curve and nearly push me off onto the railing (which btw protects the road from a FRIEKIN CANYON!). This putz didn't even give me time to accelerate after the curve. To add to the insult or nearly killing me, the man then proceeds to turn around while speeding away and flick me off with both hands!!! He was so kind that he even spared for me the hand which was holding his cell phone. Which he was holding to his head with his left shoulder. Now, I have been searching for a way to show this man, and others like him, my gratitude for their acts of jepordizing my life.
Today, while leaving school, I was pulling out of a parking lot, and a young girl, talking on her cell phone, driving a ford expedition, decided to plow through the parking lot, and even though I had the right of way, pull out to the exit of the parking lot. There was only one problem, exercising my right of way, I had already begun to pull out. After she nearly readjusted the position of the front of my car to somewhere on the sidewalk, this girl then turned to me, and flicked me off. She wasn't as kind as the person yesterday, for she only afforded me one of her hands, the other was still clutching the cell phone.
Needless to say that I face such cantankerous pricks almost every day on the unfriendly unamenable roadways of CA. So I really need to find some method to show my gratitude to them, and what better way than preventing them from ever puting someone elses life in danger. Now I thought, I could write down the liscence plate numbers and make a civilian report to the police, but that would just make me a nark. I need some kind of satisfaction from this. So thus, the only method that I forsee working, is mounting either dual machine guns or flame throwers on the front of my car. That way, when someone is so kind to me as these people were, I can show them my gratitude by making sure to permanently disable their driving mechanisms.
Now some of you may be saying, "Why Moriel, doesn't this go against your hippy/pacifist personal laws?" No. Like George Bush and his cabinet of corrupt CEO's, I will not break any laws, just find crafty ways to get around them. For example, whenever my life is jeopardized by such folk, I tend to grip the steering wheel extremely firmly, and there is an increase in the sweat on my palms. I would have tiny receptors/sensors implanted in my steering wheel that could sense this, and then cause the guns to automatically fire. This means that I would actually not be the one pulling the trigger. I would consider the guns to be an added feature, kind of like a CD player, or that NorthStar stuff that Buick has. Therefore I am not killing anyone, they are in effect killing themselves, and thus I am fully abiding by my laws. Just think of how great it would be to see the look on the Jag Jerk's face when as he turns to give me the double flipper, he notices a wall of fire approaching him. Or even better, if somehow a bullet rips his cell phone away from his shoulder and shoots it into the canyon. That would make me satisfied.
What is the conclusion from this. Is it better to live in Virginia where people drive sanely? Maybe, but that isnt really what I am going for. People in Southern California need to learn how to drive, and stop talking on cell phones while driving. Jerks who drive expensive cars have no right to jump into the Carpool lane and then cut in at the very end into the single person lane on the interstate onramps. As important as it is for them to spend more time at work, it is just as important for people working the wage jobs to get there earlier, as they need the money more. People need to stop trying to cut me off just because I drive a small car that is very dirty and has a "Proud Parent of a DARE graduate" bumper sticker on the back. And most importantly, someone needs to invent that special added feature just for me. Because after all, its time that you Californians know that we hicks from Virginia come well armed.
Hope everyone survives their drives home.
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