Thoughts Onward
by Nic (stardestiny@bigfoot.com)
14 April 2000

Disclaimer:  The characters and situations contained within are the
property of Mutant Enemy Productions/Twentieth Century Fox.  No
copyright infringement is intended.

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                        Thoughts Onward 


Okay.  So it's like this.

See, I didn't really mean to die.  Well, maybe I did, but I didn't
really think through all the consequences, you know?  Be the hero,
fight the good fight, that kinda thing, but when it came down to
the actual dyin' part, well, let me just say that I wasn't exactly
ready for it.

I mean, Cordy and I had *just* connected.  It all happened, the her
finding out I'm a demon (or I was), and me finally askin' her out
to dinner until Angel showed up with the army of darkness and that
was it, our moment was over and before I knew it I was punching
Angel over the edge and kissing her.  Not to mention the whole
dyin' bit too.

So here I am, in some kind of limbo, just wondering what the hell
happened.  I thought I did the right thing, it was something that'd
been on my conscience for years and I finally got the chance to
redeem myself.  Guess I was wrong again.

I can see them now, Cordy and Angel, the two best friends I ever
had.  We were a family to each other, the brooding father, and,
well, I'm not sure what Cordelia and I exactly were but we were
bound together, it was a real good feeling and for the first time
in my life I felt like I was where I belonged.  Sure, it was only
a few months but when I look back at everything we did - everything
we achieved, it seems like way longer than that.

Only now I'm gone.  And there are two of them.  They're watching
that awful tape Cordy made me do, I mean, I can be a lot of things
but I'm not an actor.  But they just keep replaying it over and
over.  Cordy's reachin' out to take Angel's hand but I don't think
he's really noticing.  He's in dark brood mode, the type of mood I
tried so hard to break through but I think he enjoys it.

I guess they do miss me.  Kind of warms my heart, actually, that
is, if I still had a heart.  Cordy has a heart, and so does Angel,
even if it doesn't really beat that often.  I still can't believe
what he told me about Buffy and how he gave her up to fight on,
keep trying to conquer the darkness.  I was gonna be at his side,
we almost had a faithful sidekick thing going.

Not any more.  There's a light growing outside - it can't be dawn
already, can it?  But no, the clock says it's the darkest hour and
Cordy and Angel are still sitting there, but now in silence.  The
tape ended and they're staring at a blank screen, not talking, not
sleeping.  

Hey Cordy, I'm here.  Can you hear me?  There's a brief flutter of
her eyelashes, but no acknowledgment.  She's so beautiful.  It
struck me the moment we met.  And now that I know the person
underneath, well, I think I love her.  I do, you know.

Listen to me, gettin' all sappy and that now that I'm dead.  Still,
it feels right, like I have to say it before it's too late.  Too
late?  It's already way too late, I'm dead, and probably heading
for the great beyond before too long.  The light's growing
brighter. 

I love you, Cordy.  I love you, Angel.  You guys were my family. 
I'll miss you.  

Nope, don't think they heard me.  I move closer to Cordy, maybe I'm
floating, or drifting or something.  I close my eyes and brush my
lips over hers, she's my princess and I'm going to miss her so
much.  

She looks up, light in her eyes as I move away.  "Doyle?" she says. 
Angel glances in my direction and then he lightly strokes her face
in comfort.  "Cordelia," he says, but apparently he has no words to
give her.

"I'll see you again," I promise.  "Both of you."  One last,
lingering look at Cordy, and I can feel the pull of the light
growing stronger, it's calling me outside.  You see, this whole
dyin' bit, I understand it now.  It's not something I can put into
words, but I *understand*.  I have to go.  

Besides, I have some people to see.  Well, not exactly people, but
what would you call the Powers that Be?

Here's hoping they let me return sometime soon.  I owe it to my
friends.  I owe it to love.  And maybe love owes it to me.  

See you around.  

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End.