Press Gang - Decisions

Decisions.
By Nic (stardestiny@bigfoot.com)
3 October 1998.

NOTE:
This story is set directly after "Holding On" - a possible interpretation of the scene-we-never-saw but would have loved to!

DISCLAIMER:
The characters and situations are the property of Richmond Films and Television Ltd. No copyright infringement is intended.

Decisions.

Smack! Spike Thompson jumped as the hand connected with his cheek, knocking him right out of his nap. His brain hurriedly tried to process what was going on...firstly, where was he, and
why had someone just hit him?

Squeezing open one eye, he was greeted with the glaring face of Zoe. When she got mad, she really got mad and would be in a huff for hours. Spike managed a half-hearted smile, wondering what was up. She had been overjoyed when they'd boarded the plane together, convinced that she had finally won.

Won. Was that what it was, a battle between Zoe and the-name-he-wouldn't-allow-himself-
to-think-of, a battle from which only one of them would emerge victorious? Spike sighed, he didn't want to think about that right now. Not with Zoe staring daggers at him.

"I can't believe you said that!" she shouted. Spike looked around. Several passengers were watching the altercation with bemused interest on their faces.

"Quiet down, will you, people are staring!" he hissed.

Zoe just stared at him, her eyes full of pain and betrayal. Spike had absolutely no idea what was wrong and tried to take her hand, but she roughly pulled it away. "I thought we had something, Spike." She resumed her tirade, not bothering to lower her voice even a little. "When you left her," she spat as if it were a dirty word, "I thought you loved me for who I am. Not because I'm easy to get along with!"

"Zoe-" Spike began, but she cut him off.

"I don't want to listen to any more of your sweet talk. I want the truth, the whole truth, and I want it now."

Spike shifted down in his seat. If Zoe was about to ask him what he thought she would ask him, then things would get very bad indeed. Maybe he could ask for a seat transfer. Or better yet,
a transfer right off the plane. "Would you hold that thought a moment - I, ah, have to run to the little boys room."

"You're not talking your way out of this one, Spike." Zoe roughly pushed her walkman into Spike's hands. "Play the tape, and don't try and tell me that's not your voice."

A chill ran down Spike's spine. He knew what was on that tape, there was only one thing it could be. And only one person who could have made sure that Zoe got a copy of it. Had he not been so confused, Spike would have laughed. Even a thousand miles away she still had control over his life. Would he never be rid of her?

"I don't need to listen to this, Zoe," Spike stalled. "What could be so important that it could come between you and me?"

She appeared to have not even heard his question. "Do you really think that about me?" Now her voice was small and hurt. "An empty-headed person who is easy to be with?"

"Zoe, I didn't mean that...."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I - ah - it was a test," replied Spike, suddenly seizing inspiration from the truth, if only in part. "We had to check the recording equipment, and Sarah told us to say anything, ya know, talk that didn't really mean a thing...."

"Oh, and so you just stumbled across this topic? Why not the weather, that's just as interesting!" Zoe was clearly skeptical.

Shrugging, Spike quickly glanced down at the incriminating tape. "Anyway, that was weeks ago, before I knew you were coming back to get me. I wasn't thinking straight, you know what it's like when you're separated from a person, you forget what they're like...."

"I never forgot you, Spike." Hurt, yes, she was definitely hurt, Spike decided. He suddenly felt a little guilty even though he couldn't see any fault of his own.

Again, Spike tried to take her hands in his and this time she let him. "Hey," he said softly, "I'm here now, aren't I? I'm ready to leave all that behind and make a new start with you."

Her next question threw him completely off balance again. "Do you love me?"

"Love...the whole thing's overrated, you know." He didn't like the intensity in her eyes. "What does one little word mean?"

"I'm asking you for three little words, Spike."

He looked around, desperately. "I just can't come right out and say it in the middle of the plane, Zoe. People are watching!"

"Spike, I love you." She said it clearly, directly, and without hesitation. "It's not hard to say. Not if you really feel it."

"Zoe, I-"

"You can't say it, can you," she interrupted, her eyes downcast. "Do you love her?"

Spike couldn't answer that question.

"Oh great, so you don't love me and you do love her, but you can't live with her so I'm some kind of second prize. Do you have absolutely any idea of how that makes me feel?"

Opening his mouth to say something, Spike was cut off by Zoe yet again.

"Geeze, Spike, we even talked about getting married once! Doesn't that imply committment to you?"

"I was younger then, didn't know where I was going...."

"And it looks like you still don't. Spike, have you even thought about what you're doing?"

"Yeah, I thought about it." Not very hard, though, he had to admit to himself.

"Then why did you leave her?"

That made Spike stop. Why did he leave her? He hadn't even thought about it yet - it dredged up a whole lot of emotions that were too complicated to deal with. It was best to just ignore
the whole thing and pretend he had never even met that-person-whose-name-he-didn't-
think-about. So easy to jump on a plane with Zoe, running back to America where life was simple and he could spend it with a woman who loved him unconditionally. A woman who wouldn't give him grief every moment of the day, a woman who told him he was wonderful, a woman who wasn't afraid to say "I love you".

Spike was suddenly taken back to that moment, the terrible moment of choice between the two women in his life. In actual fact, he hadn't made a conscious choice. Zoe had stepped in, made an assumption, and suddenly swept up his life into her own gestalt as she attacked the future with triumphant zest.

And all the while, he could feel her eyes glaring at him, masking the feelings of betrayal and hurt that were surely somewhere inside of the icy facade she presented.

Holding on...letting go - that was what it had all come down to. When the truth had been revealed, for a few moments an overwhelming joy had rushed through Spike. She had a great
need to hold on to him. And he knew he wanted to hold on to her. Forever, if that was possible.

Practicality had taken over. They couldn't live with their hands stuck together, especially considering the havoc that had ensued after only a few hours! And Spike really needed to go to the bathroom by then, which certainly would not have been easy with an extra appendage who also happened to be the woman he loved.

Somehow, slowly, they had both let go. In the moments that followed, Spike wanted to do nothing more than grab her hand again and pledge a bond that would never be broken. Yet the
hesitation in her eyes, and the exuberant interruption of Zoe, had broken the moment and now Spike was barely sure if it had even existed.

He wanted to hold on to her, he really did. But with Zoe's arms around his neck and her cries of happiness, there was nothing he could say. Nothing she could say. Not even goodbye. He'd just walked right out of her life with nothing but a regret-filled gaze.

And that hurt. Sure, she was the most impossible woman he had ever known, there were times he hated her more than any other person on the face of the planet, but those moments always passed and were replaced with an undeniable, inconquerable attraction. And if he really thought about it, he'd loved her since the first moment he'd set eyes on her all those years ago.

Could he say the same about Zoe? Or had he fallen into her willing arms while he tried to forget her?

Zoe was still awaiting some kind of response. Spike looked at her, the trusting face with the streak of stubborn determination that always reminded him of Ly-she-whose-name-must-not-be-
thought. Zoe wasn't the monster she made her out to be, she was simply misunderstood and had the fate of loving the wrong person. And having come so far to find him, Spike just couldn't tell Zoe to leave.

"I don't know why I left," Spike finally admitted. "You were right, I didn't think it over. But I'm here now, we can make a new start. Okay?" He gently touched her under the chin.

Zoe closed her eyes for a moment, and then said a name. "Lynda Day."

No matter how hard he tried, Spike couldn't suppress the involuntary reaction, the tiny smile that curled up the sides of his mouth, the light that flared in his eyes. Zoe took it all in.

Resolutely, she stood up and grabbed her bag. "Goodbye, Spike."

"Hey, wait a second, where are you going? You can't just leave a plane mid-flight!"

She didn't answer. She scrambled by him, strode down the middle of the plane, and into first class. No one made any kind of move to stop her.

Half-standing up, Spike considered following her. He could, he could go find her and sweet-talk her and convince her to let him back into her life as she wanted.

But would it be fair to either of them? And most of all, would it be fair to Lynda Day?

Spike sank back into his seat, making a conscious decision about his own life instead of just letting the current drag him along. No more "I'm stuck in England because Lynda stole my passport".
No more "I have to go back to America because Zoe's bought my ticket".

It was time for him to make his own decisions. And in doing so, Spike had to listen to the calling of his heart.

He sighed. It was gonna wipe out his savings account to get a flight back to England, but it would be worth it. He was sure he'd be back at the paper in no time. And if he was really lucky, back in the arms of Lynda Day too.

---
END.

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