Twilight Perfection by Nic (stardestiny@bigfoot.com) 21 September 2000 This arose from Ten's "Xena" marathon where I saw most of Season 5 on a daily basis. Xena heaven! It reminded me what a deep and rich show this is and deserves a much better reputation than it has. And because I'm such a spoiler junkie, I knew that things would irrevocably change after the birth of the baby and that made me sad to realise that life goes on, and we must capture and enjoy the small moments of perfection while we can. --- Twilight Perfection. It's the calm before the storm. I don't know why, but I can feel it. Things are pretty near perfect right now. Sure, we've been through some terrible trials lately but that's normal in my life, and even when you don't think you can stand one more day of grief and despair, somehow you find the strength to keep going. No, it's not somehow. It's someone. Gabrielle, with me through all of this, my strength, my hope, the one I was sworn to protect until somehow, she became my equal. And now we're both in this together, sworn to protect my child. Our child. I told my mother that we're a family and it's the truth, our lives have become so intertwined that I cannot imagine even one day without Gabrielle by my side. Joxer's here too, snoring loudly, blissfully unaware that I'm awake. Actually, blissfully unaware is a good way to describe him most of the time. I know people wonder why we keep him around, because it seems he always causes more harm than good. But Joxer has a pure heart and he's a devoted friend. He's like the third part of our little family that is about to become one person larger. A child. Here I am, going all maternal again. It's not me, but it is and things will be so different when she arrives. I can't help but hope for more of the same perfection we have now: close friendship, a new peace over the land as Eli's message spreads. The twilight of the gods is coming, I know it, and we're in the state of strange calm just before all hell breaks loose. It worries me and I know, somehow, that my daughter will be involved. I remember all the tragedies that have plagued us in the past: for some reason, Gabrielle and I don't exactly have the best history when it comes to children but this time we've vowed to do it right. She said as much to me recently, saying that no matter what happened, we would love this child and stand by her until she was adult enough to make her own decisions and even beyond then. I hope she can keep that promise. I hope I can keep it. The firelight flickers and a cold wind blows across the land, it's an expectant hush. We exist in the here and now, never knowing what an uncertain future might bring. Forgive me if, for once in my life, I don't want to go racing headlong into that future. Once things change, you can never go back. I've learnt that over and over during these past years since my change. I don't want to call it a redemption because it was never that, really. Hercules may have initiated something within me that was always there, but I'm still sworn to protecting those who need my help, hoping that I can do enough to make up for the past. Of course, Gabrielle would tell me that I've been redeemed a hundred times over and I would believe her for a while. But it can't change what's in my heart and it can't change the things I learnt in other realms. How many times have we died? You'd think we were gods with the gift of immortality or maybe the walking undead, because no matter what we go through, I manage to bring Gabrielle back, or she brings me back, or we bring each other back. Although that last time, I think it might've been Eli. Eli. I miss him, Gabrielle misses him a lot more. They were almost kindred souls and had so much in common. Still, Gabrielle's sure he's watching over us and sometimes, with a whisper on the wind, I maybe feel it too. His destiny is twined with that of this child's. Somehow. It's the not knowing that frustrates me so much. I don't know what tomorrow will bring even though my heart tells me of wonder and my bones ring of doom. Every day can be a challenge with death staring us in the face. I've been lucky so far to not lose Gabrielle or Joxer but how long can this luck last? The fire is dying down. The child inside me kicks. I bring my hand to my stomach and smile wistfully, it's telling me Soon. Soon, everything will change. Soon, the sweet silent nights such as this one will be lost. Soon, the promise of a new family will be nothing more than a shattered dream. I shrug my shoulders, I'm getting all sentimental in my current condition. Xena, warrior princess, doesn't need to sit and reflect and worry. She's a person of action now, damn the consequences. But I do care. I care a lot. And that's what scares me the most, that somehow, I've come to care too much about these people and the message of peace that they bring. Gabrielle. Joxer. Xena. And our unnamed child. How long will it last? --- End.