There are many different kinds of Sh!t, and here are some of them
The Ghost Sh!t-
The kind where you feel sh!t come out, see sh!t on the toilet paper, but
there's no sh!t in the bowl.
The Clean Sh!t-
The kind where you feel sh!t come out, see sh!t in the bowl, but theres
no sh!t on the toilet paper.
The Wet Sh!t-
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin
them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Sh!t-
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks
get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Liquid Sh!t-
That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse,
splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning
your tender anus.
The Mexican Food Sh!t-
In a class of it's own.
The Marketing Sh!t-
A turd which is special to SEP, BME and SEE in which there is so much
sh!t coming out that you lose 5 stone in the process.(N.B. SEP= special
engineering programme at brunel)
The Second Wave Sh!t-
This shit happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees, and you suddenly realize you have to sh!t some more.
The Brain Haemorrahagethroughyournose Sh!t-
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
The Corn Sh!t-
No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln Log Sh!t-
The kind of sh!t that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Notorius Drinker Sh!t-
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.
The 'Gee-I-really-wish-I-could' Sh!t-
The kind where you want to sh!t, but even after straining your guts out,
all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
The Power Dump Sh!t-
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and
you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Sh!t-
This kind of sh!t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
Sh!t.
The Spinal Tap Sh!t-
The kind of sh!t that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be
coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-giving-birth-through-my-asshole' Sh!t-
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Sh!ts. The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
the rectum for some time afterwards.
The Porridge Sh!t-
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have
two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or
(b) risk it pilling up to your butt while you sit there,
helpless.
The 'I'm-going-to-chew-my-food-better' Sh!t-
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Sh!t-
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Sh!t-
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping
for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Sh!t-
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
And that's it!! Send me any comments you may have about this page, actually don't, I have no intention to hear anymore "sh!t" from you.
Jack Sh!t is the son of Awe Sh!t and Oh Sh!t. Awe Sh!t, the fertilizer magnet married Oh Sh!t, the owner
of the Kneedeep Sh!t Inn. Jack Sh!t married Noe Sh!t and they produced six children.
Holy Sh!t, their first child passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Sh!t and Dip
Sh!t; two daughters, Fulla Sh!t and Giva Sh!t; and another son, Bull Sh!t.
Deep Sh!t married Dumb Sh!t, a high school dropout. Dip Sh!t married Lotta Sh!t and they have a son,
Chicken Sh!t. Fulla Sh!t and Giva Sh!t married the Happens brothers. The Shit-Happens children are
Dawg Sh!t, Byrd Sh!t, and Cow Sh!t.
THIS IS A JOKE, THE NAMES MENTIONED ABOVE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO "BE" ANYBODY. ANY RESEMBLENCE TO ANYBODY IS DEEPLY GRIEVED, BUT NOT INTENDED.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH !NTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.!.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.!.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.!.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.!.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.!.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.!.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.!.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.!.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.!.T.). Since our managers took S.H.!.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.!.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.!.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.!.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.!.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.!.T. will get the S.H.!.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.!.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.!.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.!.T.) I suggest that the IMG form an adjunct Human Engineering and Development Staff (S.H.!.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.!.T. program. Any Volunteers?WARNING....THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. IF ANY MANAGER WISHES TO COPY THIS PLAN AND IMPLEMENT IT, NEITHER ME OR THE AUTHOR WISHES TO BEAR ANY RESPONSIBILITY OF THE CRAP THE EMPLOYEES ARE PUT THROUGH!
SH!T HAPPENS IN VARIOUS PROFESSIONS
Mathematician: Sh!t happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that sh!t will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Sh!t SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, sh!t DID happen. Engineer: I hope this sh!t holds together. Chemist: I hope this sh!t doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SH!T!!!! Biologist: Is this sh!t alive? Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this sh!t. Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this sh!t until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO: (1980's) I've got all the sh!t I want. (1990's) Oooh, SH!T! Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY sh!t. Doctor: Take two sh!ts and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of sh!t. $99.95, please... Sh!t, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Sh!t is in your mind. Everything that happens is sh!t; some of it is just repressing its subconscious sh!ttiness. Programmer: It's sh!t, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Let's pretend that sh!t doesn't happen... Politician: It's sh!t, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, there will never again be sh!t. Sh!t is bad for the economy. Waitress: You want fries with that sh!t? Musician: This sh!t is out of tune. Dean: Let's see how much sh!t the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this sh!t add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull) Quality Control Inspector: This sh!t ain't good enough. IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this sh!t on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my sh!t. Union leader: Give us more sh!t or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the sh!t out. NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that sh!t...
