The Kook Report

Many occultists, pagans, new-agers, geeks, physicists and little old men like to claim that they are weird, at least when faced with blatantly normal company. But how true is it? After all, there's a lot more to being weird than just knowing some funky stuff.

To see if you actually capture the unhinged feeling of tentative lunacy that makes up genuine weirdness, just go through the following quiz question by question, keeping score.

The more points you get, the stranger you are.

If you don't understand a particular question, then you may assume that you scored zero for it.

The genuinely weird may like to email me their scores, although this is not an action that will gain you any bonus points. If this is so in your case, I undertake not to react too offensively to such an email . . . perhaps.

1. MAKE A CHOICE - Select a number between 1 and 100 NOW!

You chose:

a) 2-4, 6, 9-16, 19-22, 24-41, 43-56, 58-68, or 70-99
b) 1, 7, 69 or 100
c) 42
d) 5, 17, 18, or 23
e) 8
f) 57

2. I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you.

a) What is "The Illuminatus! Trilogy"?
b) Oh, that old yarn by Wilson, right?
c) I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
d) I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough.
e) I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia!
f) I sign my name with the letters KNS after it.

3. You're walking down the street, dressed in your favorite clothes.

a) Businessmen look upon you as an equal
b) No one pays much attention. Trendy young people snicker slightly.
c) Little children look slightly nervous at you.
d) Builders and laborers cross the road to avoid passing you.
e) A concerned citizen phones the police who send in a SWAT team to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the last three times.
f) No one pays much attention until they try to seduce you. When they see your underwear, those who survive run away very, very fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You do try to not sit down too much, though.

4. What do you think of Cthulhu?

a) Ummm... its a random string of unintelligible letters?
b) Monster from Lovecraft's horror fiction.
c) Tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunked island in the South Pacific, waiting to rise again.
d) A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals to Unknown Kaddath.
e) Hng! Hng! Ia! Ia Cthulhu f'thagn! f-f-f-father! YOG SOTHOTH!!
f) Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book, sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?

5. How do you derive your regular income?

a) I work in an office. Why?
b) I get a grant.
c) I'm on welfare hand-outs.
d) I deal drugs in Times Square.
e) My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more than enough to keep my work going without "dipping into the capital".
f) Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from day to day. Yesterday, I found N$3000 (three thousand Nigerian dollars) hidden inside a cat.

6. Bob?

a) Jim?
b) Oh yeah, what do you call a disabled guy in a swimming pool, haha.
c) Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
d) ... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch and watch me blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for breakfast, but it tasted like crap so I spewed it back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because I COME CLOSE TO IT!! I...
e) That'll be $5, please.
f) No.

7. MAKE A CHOICE--Select a number between 1 and 10 NOW!

You chose:

a) 1, 5, 7, 8, 10.
b) 3
c) 2
d) 9
e) 6
f) 4

8. Where, to your mind, do "strange phenomena" start being strange?

a) Anything that science can't explain easily.
b) Telepathy. That really weirds me.
c) A rain of live frogs.
d) Crop circles appearing in concrete.
e) Large demons appearing on live TV and ripping up a politician.
f) From the womb onwards, dude.

9. What is Magick?

a) David Copperfield. (But you spelled it wrong - no "k," dumb-head)
b) Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
c) Frazer's Law of Sympathy and Law of Contagion.
d) The art of causing change in conformity with will.
e) All life is Magick.
f) Laughter.

10. Do you possess any psychic powers?

a) Aw, frag off smeghead.
b) No, but I wish I did.
c) Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
d) I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
e) Yes, I often get visions which later come true. Bookies hate me.
f) Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-contact Psychometry! Say.. you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys and a Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too...

11. Do you play any role-playing games?

a) Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I'm way too smart for that.
b) Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing CarWars to go to the toilet once a week!
c) Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. They're an interesting exercise.
d) I read White Wolf(tm) Rulebooks, but I don't actually play.
e) I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
f) Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't believe me? Watch, then as I fireball your cat! ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

12. A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:

a) "Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so tired recently."
b) "TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!"
c) "Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? Its 2am, forgodsake!"
d) "I told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive."
e) "Its who??"
f) "Nzrgnbit Zipplikaddah Cherbis Gazrag Earth Minnip Koodah Soon. Mwahahah!"

13. Do you see auras?

a) What they?
b) No.
c) I tried once or twice, but no luck.
d) After 30 minutes naked, alone in a dark room...
e) Yes.
f) That depends. I had a real mean aura in hear once, it chewed up half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it offering? Is it house-trained?

14. If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use?

a) Oh, I don't program computers. I use Microsoft.
b) BASIC
c) Pascal
d) Object-extended C++, with the help of some home-defined libraries.
e) I program in binary, actually.
f) COBOL

15. Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be?

a) Ten million dollars.
b) A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
c) A cat.
d) A crumbling old Gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon with all your Sorority sisters from the campus.
e) A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look suspiciously like an ancient map...
f) A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd heiroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that your lawyer receives a short time later.

16. What did you last eat?

a) A nice pork chop, with some boiled potatos and cabbage.
b) Lentil stew with wok-fried bean sprouts and a glass of holistic carrot extract.
c) A portion of chips.
d) A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
e) Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's sexual fluids, burnt parchment, and oatmeal bran.
f) Somalia.

17. What work of Aleistair Crowley's did you find most illuminating?

a) Who?
b) Oh, well, actually, I never read any of his stuff yet, but I will real soon.
c) Magick in Theory and in Practice
d) Diary of a Drug Fiend
e) The Book of The Law
f) The Book of Lies

18. What is your normal sexual position?

a) Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
b) On top.
c) In train toilets.
d) In the middle.
e) Spread on the altar with a candle up my a**
f) Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded together and a pair of Moroccan baboons for light relief.

19. Do you have any pets?

a) Yes, a dog.
b) No.
c) Yes, a cat.
d) Yes, six Japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
e) Weellll, sort of - I breed rabbits, goats and black cockerels. I try not to get too attached to them, though.
f) Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. He'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come, come, let me show you. Its much easier that way.

20. Which of the following phrases do you use most often?

a) "Isn't the weather dreadful!"
b) "No, thanks."
c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fuck you too, Madam."
e) "Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!"
f) "Please come back, little person! I only playing! Ha! Caught you! Oh. You leaking, person! Wake up! Why you all go sleep? No fun! You people so boring!"

How did you do?

0 : Mmm. You're normal. You're so straight, you even think in lines. In fact, anyone this normal would have never bothered reading this post, so if you're reading this, you're either curious, stupid, or very, very silly. This level of person is dullsville.

1-20 : Well, you've heard the call of the strange out there, roaming the plains of life. You haven't answered, but at least you didn't assume it was indigestion. This level of score indicates a person who is probably more normal. to be fair, than someone who got 0. If you only got 1 or 2, be *very* careful - its all downhill from here!

21-40 : You're fairly odd. Your normal friends describe you as weird, and you take it as a compliment. You probably wear black, so as to make a point and slightly worry the people who still remember World War I. You are likely to be interested in strange things, but you never seem to manage to get to grips with them.

41-60 : Definitely a bit on the wild side. You are probably a student of paranormal matters. People who get to know you are often surprised that you aren't as straight as they first thought. Your last girl/boyfriend was scared for 3 weeks after splitting with you, just in case. You intimidate petty authority figures, such as interviewers, bus conductors, and moral rights campaigners.

61-80 : You are undoubtedly odd. You worry your family, and you no longer have any normal friends. When you go on holiday, you chose places like Transylvania, the Sonora desert, McMurdo Sound, and the Amazonian rain-forest. You mutter and mumble to yourself in times of stress, and you try not to open your wardrobe too often, in case something comes through...

81-95 : You, my friend, are either several bats short of a belfry, or a dedicated, trained occultist. If there is a difference. Plants wither in your presence, children run away yelping, dogs run away yelping, even chickens run away yelping, for god's sake. You live in a different world to the rest of the planet, and you like it there. Definitely, unashamedly weird.

96-100 : You are so bizarre that I'm surprised you managed to read this quiz, let alone complete it. Talking to you is rather like trying to carry a basket of live turkeys up the side of the Empire States Building in a gale - very hard, extremely dangerous, full of 'gobble-gobble-gobble' noises, and covered in feathers. The last time you stopped long enough to observe the rest of humanity, someone slapped a parking fine on you. You wouldn't know a tax return unless it came up to you and introduced itself to you by clan. Most of them do.

Less than 0 or greater than 100 : You are being silly. This test has ended. Give it up. Go get a life, for god's sake!