Bloopers: Speaches Part 2

"These people were highly susceptible to homicide," he said. "We know that because they were killed."
Paul Blackman, research coordinator at the National Rifle Association, criticized the study in the Berkshire Eagle, October 7, 1993 page A3 (An AP story from Boston): Guns in the home found to increase risk of death. People who keep guns at home nearly triple their chances of being murdered, usually by friends or relatives, but fail to protect themselves from intruders ... The article goes on to describe how the study was conducted, summarizes aspects of the population cross sections and conclusions of the study, and concludes with a refutation by a representative of the NRA

Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few
seconds to perform any task?
New York Times, 25 April 1989, in an article on new operating systems for the IBM PC:

For example, Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans, told the House: "I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."

"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson.

"This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans.

"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do." --Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge.

"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego.

"The Knights of Peter Claver is a large Catholic organization." -- Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette
"I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong to it." -- Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales

The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet stockings.

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" -- Yogi Berra

In reference to another player's mental faculties, a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker) replied, "He ain't no rocket surgeon."

Sports commentators can get carried away sometimes. David Coleman, a famed English sports commentator, seems to get carried away more than most. Here are some of his best moments....
1. That's the fastest time ever run -- but it's not as fast as the world record.
2. Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal.
3. For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.
4. This is a truly international field, no Britons involved.
5. Both of the Villa scorers -- Withe and Mortimer -- were born in Liverpool as was the Villa manager Ron Saunders who was born in Birkenhead.
6. He's 31 this year -- last year he was 30.
7. He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics so he's used to being out in front.
8. We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind.
9. Linford Christie's got a habit of pulling it out when it matters most.
10. The late start is due to the time.
11. He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.
12. He's even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
13. This could be a repeat of what will happen in the European games next week.
14. It's a battle with himself and with the ticking fingers of the clock.
15. Here are some names to look forward to -- perhaps in the future.
16. In the Moscow Olympics Lasse Viren came in fifth and ran a champions race.
17. He just can't believe what's not happening to him.
18. One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
19. There'll be only one winner now -- in every sense.
20. He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before that in 62.

'Whispering' Ted Lowe once said, "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."

And I will never forget Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming as "formation drowning."

"When the horizon disappears, or it's on the wrong side of your windshield, you know you're in trouble."
- Veteran land speed record chaser Art Arfons (sp?), describing to a National Public Radio interviewer
what it was like when his jet-powered "motorcycle" became airborne and crashed at 300+ mph during a
test run at the Bonneville Salt Flats

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits.
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.

He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

I didn't accept it. I received it.
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
President Richard Nixon

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent...
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar".

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Ban k, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

Te crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.
Kight Ridder News Service dispatch

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.

"They couldn't hit an *elephant* at this dist--"
General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

"I desire the Poles carnally."
President Jimmy Carter's mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
Yogi Berra

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"

"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a Phillies' ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns

"Arnie [Palmer], usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."
Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"If Jesus were on the field, he'd be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He'd be high-fiving the other guys."
Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players

"The similarities between me and my father are different."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

I once went to speak at a school, and there was a 16-year-old girl...And the girl says to me, "You know what? I don't care what I do, I just want to be famous." And I thought, you know, I should really just shoot her in the head because it would serve two things: It would make her famous as the girl that Jason Alexander shot in the head, and it would, you know, spare the world of the banality of the rest of her life.
-- actor Jason Alexander, of the TV program Seinfeld, discussing the nature of fame on Dennis Miller Live

"I know I'm going to get old and be one of those crazy women who sits on balconies and spits on people and screams, 'Get a haircut!' I know this, and I don't really fear it. I'd just like to move toward it with as much grace and dignity as possible." -- Carrie Fisher

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -- Dave Barry

"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." -- J. Edgar Hoover

"This life is a test. It is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do." -- Cathie Walker Centre for the Easily Amused

"The Maastricht treaty ... has been dealt, at least temporarily, a fatal blow."
Des O'Malley, an important minister in the Irish government, comments on the Danish rejection of the Maastricht treaty:

"The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey"
From the BBC TV: A few highly respected commentators were covering a cricket match, when one of them (apparently) wanted to say that the bowler was Holding and the batsman was Willey. Think about it :-) Well, the best part of it was that they all realised it quickly and started laughing, all live on the air!!

"We feel that in the years to come, the world is going to be a bigger market for us than the U.S. It's just that there are more people, and sooner or later, they're all going to have carpet."
From an article in the May 7, 1992 Columbus Dispatch. John Balch of Royal Appliance Manufacturing, akers of the "Dirt Devil" vacuum cleaner, talks about export markets...

"The chances of Amsterdam becoming a car-free city, are as big as the chances of me getting involved in a relationship. If it might ever come to that, I'll calculate what it is going to cost me and I will not go through with it after all."
This is from a local politician of Amsterdam Holland, reacting to the question if the centre of this city hould be car-free.

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