At gas eterias through the nation: Eat here and get gas.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19.
In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters.
In front of a New Jersey restaurant: Live lobsters served daily.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.
There used to be a sign outside Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago that said: DOGS BICYCLING AND ROLLERSKATING NOT ALLOWED IN ZOO
On the side of a delivery truck for a store selling TVs. In big red letters: FREE DELIVERY 7 DAYS A WEEK AND SUNDAY TOO
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Seen in an American department store at Christmas: Visit santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three santas
Seen at an American undertaker's: Oscar's funeral parlour - where you'll always find a smile
In downtown Waltham, Mass. restaurant: We have Senior Citizens, 10% off, Monday-Friday10 a.m. - 2 p.m.
At a jewelry store here in town, there is a sign in the window, "Watch batteries while you wait"
On the front of a brown grocery bag: SHOP-RITE PROUDLY SUPPORTS MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY
Seen recently at a theater sign in Costa Mesa, CA: DYING YOUNG Gift Certificates Available
The local duplex theater had the following on their marque: DANCES WITH WOLVES THE HARD WAY
A few years back, the same theater advertised: EXTRATERRESTRIAL WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS
Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee: 101 DALMATIONS DYING YOUNG
Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in Mountain View, CA: PUSH If that doesn't work then PULL If that doesn't work then We're closed.
This sign was on a church door on Main Street, Waltham Massachusetts USA: Family Planning Use Rear Entrance
Sign at the San Jose Tower Records store: Needles are not returnable and should not be shared
In a local grocery store in Queens: "We give credit only to those 80 years or over. Then ONLY when accompanied by their parents".
At Bank FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS Limited Time Offer
From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure: "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
Seen in a furniture store window ALL FURNITURE SLASHED!!!!!!
At the San Diego Zoo, bordering a school playground: HOMO-SAPIENS AT PLAY
Poster advertising "Tupperware Home Parties" :
"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
- correction printed in The Daily Californian
Big, professionally manufactured sign on the local office of Century 21 (a real estate sales firm):
"We're Here for You (tm)"
Beneath which hangs a smaller, hand printed sign:
"We've moved to our new office one mile north of here ..."
At a resturaunt:
STOP
VALET PARKING
I never realized that San Diego was against valet parking so much. . .
MILFORD CEMETERY
NO HUNTING
On Route 30, just after the intersection with route 32, in St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands, appears the following sign on the road-side:
ANIMAL SHELTER
Flea Market Saturday
Visible from highway 5 in Central California is a Carl's Jr. with this sign:
| DRIVE THROUGH |
| |
| PLAYGROUND |
On I-84 along the Columbia in Oregon at least one off-ramp is signed:
BORING OREGON CITY
In downtown Toronto (Ontario):
Income Tax --------------> Go to the Cleaners
On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote addressat a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th anniversary.Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off Seen on Channel 11 WTVD (Durham, NC) 11 PM News, Oct. 12, 1993
By the Trinity United Church (Ottawa, Ont) nursery school. (circa 1970)
Please pick up you children promptly after service. No refunds after Wednesday.
Signs from unknown places
Outside a jeweller's shop: Ears pierced while you wait
Outside an electrical store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!
Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a dress shop window: Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
On an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag
20p do-it-yourself
In the window of a dry cleaner's: Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
Road sign: Turn right for the fairy glen. Beware of heavy lorries
At the zoo: Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.
In an office: After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: 'This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.'
(this door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
Outside a furniture shop: Our motto: we promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
In a grocery shop: Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
In a Chinese restaurant: If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter
Outside a farm: Cattle please close gate
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign on a farm gate: Dogs found worrying will be shot
In a restaurant: Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager
Outside a smart shop: No children aloud
Seen outside a travel agency: Why don't you go away?
Notice in a pet shop: Birds going cheep!
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Sign in a picture shop: Let us put you in the picture and frame you
In an electrical shop: Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you
Sign at a garden fete: Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
In a cafe window: Waitresses required for breakfast
Found in a butcher's shop: These scales are acurate no two weighs about it
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: You can always count on us
Notice in restaurant: Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council
Sign in a chemist's shop: We dispense with accuracy
Spotted in a garden centre: Up these steps for the sunken garden
Sign on a newly painted bench: Wet paint. Watch it or wear it
Seen in a watch shop: Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
Notice in the window of a fabric shop: Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
Road sign: Steeple bumstead: left 3 miles
right 3 miles
straight ahead 3 miles
Sign outside pet shop: No dogs allowed
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Seen outside a fire station: Fire station - no smoking
Seen outside dancing academy: Please mind the steps
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
Circus poster: Biffo brothers' circus, featuring marvo, the strongest man in the world. In town all weak
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Sign in a tea shop: Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, l1
Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive
Seen in a college: This week's lecture: underwater life by peter fish
Notice in hairdresser's window: Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Sign at the tennis club: Would spectators please be quiet buring matches and let the players raise a racquet
Spotted at the railway station:Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again
Notice at the zoo: Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Sign in office block: Lift out of order. Please use elevator
Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
Notice in church hall: Electrical specialist will be here on thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repiars. Followed by a light lunch
Sign spoted in farmyard: Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket
Signs in England and other English speaking (non-US) places
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
Sign near hot springs in Hell's Gate, Tikitere (Rotorua) New Zeeland: Warning! Persons who throw litter or stones into the themal pools may be asked to retrieve them. I saw this one
Near Heathrow Airport I saw a billboard that read: TWA Flights to the United States and California
Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead: The last world war. Where and when will it be fought?
St. Margaret's, hartford street on tuesday 22nd february at 7:00 p.m.
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to to their best to keep them in order
Notice in a London park: No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
Seen in a Coventry Factory: Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
Notice in Keighley restaurant: From monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables
Notice on Norfolk village shop: Half-day closing all day wednesday
Sign in London pizza parlour: Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."
On the box of a Vietnamese laughing tip-toy:
Can't invert with laugh
The laugh begin. you are youthful
Automatize
As poke as shaky as shaky as laugh
During the use. open the lid of tep and take two cells (NO. 5) in the box. If you want to stop laugh or don't use for a long time. you must take out the cells (This seller have no cells)
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