Grief and Mourning

For the first four days after we found out our baby was dead, Jon and I stayed in our apartment. I wore the same pajamas for four days and I cried a mountian worth of tissues onto the floor. Jon got migranes brought on by stress and spent hours in the dark moaning. We weeped together, clinging to each other like we would drift away if we didn't hold on.

Gradually we started to move on. I showered and changed my clothes. We went to the store to buy ribbon and small birthstone angel pins to make remberance ribbons for each of us to wear. We began to think of ways to honor our baby.

This is by far the most painful thing I have ever expeienced in my life, but I found some comfort in reading what had happened to others. The stories were sad, but made me feel less alone as I cried. I read as much as I could about the stages of grief, the medical reasons for miscarriage, and other pregnancy loss topics. The more I read, the more I cried, but the better I felt.

The hardest thing for me is telling people what happened. Now I understand why people wait untill they ate three months before telling people they are pregnant. It's because it is extremely painful to have to anwser a smiling friend's "How are you doing?" with "Horrible. I lost the baby." They never quite know what to say, and it kills the conversation pretty quick. Not to mention it brings it all back up to the surface again. No, far easier to not have mentioned it at all.

I had been so excited the day I found out I was pregnant that I had to tell everyone. Now I regret that, because I have to track people down and say things like, "Have you heard? I lost the baby about a month ago."