I'm So Jealous

We find ourselves reminded left and right of our loss. Every Fisher-Price comercial, every baby carriage at the mall, every baby outfit in every store brings tears to our eyes and pain to our hearts.

It really hurt me to talk to the woman at my work who was about six months pregnant when I lost my baby. Even talking about completely unrelated things, just seeing her belly made me want to cry. Things I've read, people I've talked to have said, "It's normal to feel that way" but I feel so horribly guilty about it.

I just found out that another of my friends at work is pregnant. I hope she has a far more pleasant experiance than I've had. And though I am extremely jelous of her... I'm happy for her too, because I know her and her husband want a baby as much as Jon and I do.

It's hard for Jon because of where he works. He's sourounded by people who have made horrible mistakes in their lives and have children. True they may not have custody of them, but at least their children got a chance to live. It makes me feel like we're good people, and we both know so much about taking care of children... why did this hapen to us? Why not to someone else?

I know, I know... it's happened to lots of people. It's just sometimes I see mothers in stores with half a dozen dirty children in tow, and she's screaming at them and calling them stupid, and smacking them for grabbing at things. And I say to myself, "My babies died and she had that many? She doesn't deserve them."

I don't mean to offend anyone. I'm not implying that my husband and I are more deserving of children than others on this Earth. It's just when you are full of hurt and greif, you feel some pretty irrational things, and this is a way for us to let them out. If you've suffered too, then you know what I mean.

And as my friend at work comes closer to her due date I am constantly reminded that she will have a healthy baby and I have nothing but pain. Melodramatic? You'd only say that if you've never been through it.

One never gets over something like this... and while pain subsides with time, other people's experiences can bring those feelings to the surface and the pain never goes away. As I talked to women who had been through a miscarriage about my losses their own eyes would water, remembering...

So right now as I face the prospect of trying for a third time I am most jealous of women who do not know this fear. Do not know the pain. Do not know the frustration of having what you want most in the world taken away from you over and over again.