July 6, 1999

I get this feeling of doom somewhere around the corner. I'm going to make a mistake soon. Somehow, or another, I'm going to botch something up. In some deep corner in my mind I wonder how big of a mistake it's going to be.. and I hope that I'll be brave enough to face it, to prevent it from being a life-shattering mistake. I over- exaggerate, but this is my little world, so--bug off.

I wanted to get home so badly today... My wallet (it's a wallet, not a purse! :P) was missing the whole day, everyone I asked had not come across it, and I was very much distracted. When I finally got home, I found it within 10 minutes (typical) -- or maybe Mom found it like I asked her to try. And then I find that losing my wallet wasn't as distracting as I thought it was, because I can't concentrate on anything still. Somewhere, deep down, I wasn't even very concern about the wallet.

I need to go out, and sit in the park, and watch the clouded sky, and think... But I'm so tired for some reason. The very thought of trying to sort my thoughts out pulls me down. My body physically aches. And I'm afraid to sleep. I need to sleep; but I refuse to sleep.

It's amazing how much talent there is on the Internet. Artistic talent. I feel inadequate whenever I read how people pour out their souls... and I end up thinking of how shallow my life is, or how unexamined I let myself be. I think somewhere in my mind, I'm vowing not to let myself get swept by in life: I'm going to think, I'm going to ponder, I'm going to hang on to something that's important to me. And then another part of my mind goes: Gee, no one around me understands..

And most of the time, when I try to explain... I get this feeling I just ought to shut up.. But then I met someone whom I grossly underestimated as shallow, and in one's own manner -- the very same manner I thought to be superficial -- my thoughts were met head on. I thought I was feeling inadequate earlier? Ooooh boy, was I so very wrong. (chuckles)

Do me a favor, reader, and don't mention this Scribble to me. My head hurts and my body feels heavy. I'm just not feeling me today. Sick? No, no, no, I will not get sick.

It's raining. Oh, how tempting it is to go out and sit in the rain. I think I'll just watch a video.

Previous Scribblings: Jun 6, 1999 - Three Stooges

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