[Thu Feb 15 14:14:45 2001]From: Standing alone by the old sea of shadows (lanfear)
[Thu Feb 15 14:14:45 2001]
From: Standing alone by the old sea of shadows (lanfear)
Subject: Past
And was the snow much whiter
And were the summers longer
And did the sun shine brighter
Or am I just getting older?
No. It was, and they were, and it did. For the past is long gone and your memories remain, and it is they that are real. So the snow was deep all winter, and frosted with diamonds where the moon shone on it. So the summer went on forever, and we ran through endless green fields under a deep blue sky. So all the moments were golden, in the days we knew would last forever.
Nostalgia is the sweetest, sweetest pain.
[Fri Mar 23 10:35:26 2001]
From: Standing alone by the old sea of shadows (lanfear)
Subject: It's back.
I suppose the drugs couldn't hold it forever.
Lying in bed last night it hit me like a blow to the stomach and I curled up around the pain. Wishing, desperately, hopelessly, for the first time in months, that I could be the size of woman that this world was made for. Wondering, for the barest of moments, if in my next life I would be thin. If I had learned the lesson. Knowing that the thought itself meant I could not have. That to learn the lesson would be to cease to yearn.
I backed away slowly, in my mind, from the pit that yawned before me. Forced myself to turn away from the crater and scramble up through the loose stones to its lip. And there I stood, looking back at the rising steam, at a vent no longer dormant, until at last I slept.
[Tue Jul 3 16:11:44 2001]
From: Standing alone by the old sea of shadows (lanfear)
Subject: Sometimes I really miss Scotland.
In the glen the grass is long, and a shade of green I'm not sure I've seen anywhere else. Hillocks left by long-ago glaciation rise from the valley's floor, topped with trees. Between them runs the river, wide and shallow over rounded stones, its waters ice-cold.
The grass on the hills is a different shade of green, soft and grey, and the bones of the earth thrust through, cracked and weathered. The sharp gullies of snowmelt cut the sides of the hills, and below are slopes of loose rock, fallen in the spring. At the top of the hills, the wind never ceases blowing. Never.
This is the home of my heart.
[Wed Sept 12 10:22:32 2001]
From: just a vision to betray (lanfear)
Subject: We live in exciting times.
Those people aren't real to me. How could they be? The people I know are barely real to me when they die. Nothing is real unless I see it, feel the emotions.
There is an energy in the world as people watch the story unfold, an energy born of shock and anger and impotence. I can taste it, like adrenaline, like Her. A kind of high.
I've never felt what I 'should' feel at times like this. Why should I bother to pretend?
It only matters if you can care about this species. And I can't. I can't. You know that, if you know anything about me at all.
Someone just poured a kettle of boiling water onto a nest of ants. So what? The only thing that concerns me is that the ants have bombs.
[Thu Sep 13 10:39:56 2001]
From: just a vision to betray (lanfear)
Subject: Further to the French Tennis Revenge
[Note: This refers to 11/9/1926, when the US men's tennis team defeated France to win the Davis Cup. On that very same day, 75 years on... coincidence? Or revenge?]
"The sky will burn at 45 degrees. Fire approaches the great New City. Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up when they want to have proof of the Normans"
That's it then. Tell the CIA. They need to invade Normandy.
[Mon Nov 12 11:12:03 2001]
From: just a vision to betray (lanfear)
Subject: Happy birthday to me.
People who've remembered so far: Fenris, one other friend, and three automated processes.
[Thu Dec 13 12:00:07 2001]
From: just a vision to betray (lanfear)
Subject: It's not his fault...
And he's being perfectly reasonable, I suppose. It's not his fault that he hit every button I still have.
"I think we should try to get you a bit fitter before we start."
(I think we should try to get you a bit thinner..."
"I know you can do what you put your mind do."
(You've got the willpower to stick to it...)
"You've just never had a good reason before."
(The men will come flocking... imagine the clothes you'll fit into...)
"It'll be different this time."
(It'll be different this time...)
I know it's not the same. I know it isn't. But it feels the same. It feels like putting my life on hold to wait for something that will never happen. Like it was for so long.
I let my defences down and he hit me, oh, I know it was by accident, but it still hurt.
Anyway, what is it about men that they think you only have to announce that you want to conceive, and lo, there's a baby?
