Men do crazy things to get women. They range from bad (pretending to enjoy a romantic comedy) to worse (groveling on the knees for some booty) to worst (clubbing them over the head and dragging them back to the cave). One of the craziest of all things they do is dummy themselves up with cologne before a night out on the town.

I guess this is a tradition that stems back to the beginnings of supposedly civilized society, but it is a tradition most definitely started by descendants of the same unmanly conspirators who gave us powdered wigs and ruffled shirts.

What woman in her right mind is attracted to a man because he smells flowery? A real woman would welcome the stench of a sweaty armpit any day of the week.

Seeing as that it is too late to halt something which has already been invented, what is needed now is a new brand of cologne. It should smell of Real Man-- a mix of beer, grilled burgers, dirt, and wet dog, and flatulence. Furthermore, it should not be called "cologne", as that name is far too French. It should referred to as something ordinary and American, and yet disarmingly eloquent in its simplicity. Perhaps "Manstink" would do the trick.

Anyway, enough of my Andy Rooney-esque diatribe. I think it is time to go bathe in some Budweiser.