Movies

Here's a mess of cut-and-pasted-from-email movie ideas. We've kept the typos to retain the flavor of the original. Please don't ask what or why.

TOP GROIN with Tom Cruise, the tragedy of a Chippendale dancer.

TO KILL A F***INGBIRD by Harper Lee and starring Gregory Peck--the story of a city boy who comes to the country to try to learn to love being awakened by roosters instead of alarm clocks.

THE COWERING INFERNO the story of a young flame
intimidated by the size of his father's. . . burning breath.

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNPRANCE KID the loving story of two gentle cowgirl lesbians.

TRUE RUT a John Wayne Western that explains the real hows and whys of moose

SINGING IN THE RHINE a practical guide for German choirmasters and diving instructors.

SHOTGUN the story of how Richard Chamberlain can be mistaken for a 16th century Japanese warlord

HONEY, I SUNK THE KIDS a goat lover's worst nightmare kind of movie

THE POULTRY GUEST the story of a Thanksgiving turkey who becomes possessed by a demon who attempts to pull some fine Yuppie children into the world where there only feathers and no Pilgrims.

THE FRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY a travelling salesman discovers that it takes more than new ice cube trays to satisfy the needs of the wives of this Midwestern county

THELMA AND GLUE-EASE A dissatisfied housewife tours the southwest in search of an organic adhesive that will stick her marriage back together with a female companion who also shares the need.

BALD RUNNER futuristic flick based on cult novel by P.K. Dick, who was himself a balding aerobic paranoid.

And, on a more serious (X rated) note-- FANNY HALL : Naive New Yorker (Woody Allen) falls for a sexy Madam (Diane Keaton) with lots of hangups. Mia Farrow in a cameo as the shrink.

LOST WHORE RISING A prostitute strays from the beaten path in the Himalayas and finds peace by meditating as she treks in the Anapurnas.

POP ECLIPSE NOW As the sunlight dims, Andy Warhol directs a cast of thousands in Southeast Asia.

MIDGET A pint sized beauty says, "SurfÕs Up!" as she hits the beach.

THE TEN COMMANDANTS General Moses and nine of his officers face false charges and a threat of court martial!

THE SHARK OF ZORRO wherein early California is saved from the despotic Mexican government by a masked sword wielding black-caped crusader and his trusty marine sidekick.

BACK TO THE SUTURE Time traveling dyslexic MD uses time travel to mend his erroneous ways.

GANDHI WITH THE WIND a true-life doctor looks at the tragic
inevitabilities of flatulence in the ante-bellum South

MOLDFINGER the story of a gardener with a green thumb that
spreads in the moisture of winter to some not-so-happy "other" finger frequently aimed at other drivers who cut him off...

My dog Fred likes THE CANINE MUTINY the story of a dog who regresses into a wolf in Norway and becomes..... LORD OF THE FJORDS . Of course it should be viewed only when coupled with THE CALL OF THE MILD

LUSTY, COME HOME the story of a boy's collie who has "doffed her collar" and turned into a tramp (as collies are wont to do), not to be confused with THE LADY AND THE TRUMP a Disney flick about the evils of card playing with a mixed pack.

PUCKERYOURLIPS NOW a good stout Coppola, a heady brew
with plenty of flaming in Vietnam, which I believe was about a girl's first k*ss.
SIT BY ME, a version of the film STAND BY ME directed
at overweight teenagers.
SPURTACLEES , a Kirk Douglas film about a slave revolt in ancient Atlanta

THE BORE, a film originally entitled THE BEAR about a grizzly who could not
be trained to do simulated dangerous tricks and thus failed as an actor

NEVER CRY RALPH, a version of the film NEVER CRY WOLF for people who have
never been in the wilds, don't know wolves exist, and whose only experience
with life is based on the tv sit-com THE HONEYMOONERS, with Ralph Cramden
as the offensive, wild husband.

The category of....Sexual Horror Film, Musicals, namely:

educational films:

Documentaries

THE SEXUAL PASSION OF ANTS, narrated by Carl Sagan who knows everything about anything. An in-depth look at the colony of communistic beatniks, and how the queen ant uses B&D to her advantage to enslave the useless minds of male ants or drones.

THE GREENHOUSE AFFECT, an interview by Bill Moyers with an above average IQ'd greenhouse about its steamy insides and feelings about the color green and sensitivities towards the drying out effect of autumn.

GERMS ARE YOUR FRIENDS, an educational film for 'youngsters' who fear the kid behind them in kindergarten is coughing down their neck with evil intent, and want to come to terms with the "good side" of plagues.

MORTUARY DECORATING, the sociological study of interior decorating as it relates to the..well..uh..the place where people lie before being sent under the spade. Norm Abrams narrates this wonderful docu-drama providing answers to key questions such as: Are curtains too frilly? Do open caskets really enhance the mood of the occasion? Does the complexion of the deceased really go with the shade of the flowers? Coupled with the other in this series, THIS OLD HORSE, Norm discusses the sociological implications and practical considerations of burying a 1200 pound animal in earthquake country.

Novels

DAVID COTTONMOUTH a deadly plantation snake attempts to run for governor of Missouri and is thwarted by a northern sympathizing mongoose

Steinbeck's LEAST OF EDEN The true story of the real Adam taking a bath with Eve taking snapshots

TORTILLA FLOAT! the miracle discovery of an illiterate Mexican chef who, when making pasta, accidentally throws in a flour tortilla

CANARY ROWE a surreal Steinbeck treat in which the author deviates from his usual tidepool mentality and has a canary breed with a sturgeon and create a marvelous delicacy, i.e. canary rowe

THE WAYWARD BUZZ a man discovers after forty years that his hearing-aid has been back-firing and picking up bee radio stations...

THE RUDE PONY a colt who puts his cold nose under...well..uh...)

TO A DOG UNKNOWN An early settler of the Salinas Valley, on the brink of losing his ranch to proto-environmentalists, is saved by the machinations of a mysterious cloaked canine.

TO A FROG UNKNOWN an amphibian version...or TO A SOCK UNKNOWN the sci-fi version of what really happens to disappearing dryer socks...

THE WREATHS OF GRAPE In a rare shift to the Napa Valley, Steinbeck deals harshly with the fun-loving winery owners who value the almighty dollar above the health and safety of their downtrodden workers and turns Christmas into an occasion to wrap one's door with a wreath of Rieslinggrapes.POF DICE AND MEN The adventures of two itinerant craps players. (If they like playing with craps so much, perhaps they could start with MY stable...)

THE RED MUSTANG The touching tale of a sixties boy and his first car.

FOR WHIM THE BELL TOLLS the gentle children's story of a bell who at the first notice of a breeze speaks up for itself in vibrating matallic music...that charms all of the forest creatures with the magic of silence....or a more deadly tragic tone: A man walks down a road and is hit in the forehead by a bell fallen off of Santa's sleigh and instantly drops dead...

THE OLD MAN AND THE PEA a modern day take on an old favorite, with a more intune with todayÕs lifestyle elderly gentleman instead of a princess.

THE TONG HOT SUMMER The daughter of a Mississippi ganglord must choose between the hunky white-trash opium smuggler next door and her despotic father, who will stop at nothing to protect his family name.

THE LONG HOT SHRINER the story of an ultra secret Masonic organization into you know 'kinky' 'stuff.'

THE FLOUNDER AND THE FURRY the loving tale of a fish and cat who's life is meaningless.

Of Course there's always GREAT DEFECATIONS by Charles Dickens (no pun intendended): This might be a training guide including pictures of the native spoor of Africa for hunters who would-be trackers and guides. Just a down-home obvious thought. Or, possibly a guide-book for young ranchers on how NOT to keep their stables.

J. D. Salaciousinger THE CATCHER IN THE RAW, the story of a girl's baseball team member who, forced to play naked, was most marvelously, and unpredictably saved from shame, and local gossip, by the size of her catchers' mit and her uncommon ability to squat behind it

George Ohwell's 1983 1/2, the real story of 1984 before it happened...

Marcel Lost REMEMRANCE OF WINGS PAST, a young city bride is startled by her first bat as she protects her virtue one last time before giving in, in the barn loft

FRAGRANCE OF THINGS VAST, a young boy discovers that the LA City dump is for real and develops a line of perfumes which, however, destroys the ozone layer above the South Pole

Let's include--that reminded me of an important work--the famous Victor Hugo work Lost Marbeleles, the story of John Valjohn(Anglisized) a hard working cowboy who loses all his marbles, but stammers somewhat when he speaks.

the novel title: FORTY SECONDS OF SOLITUDE, a version of the book ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE by Gabriel Garcia Marquez aimed at parents who are raising teenagers

THE HALF-DEAD by James Joyce, a version of the great short novel THE DEAD aimed at married people who live with a mate who is boring

MAZES, originally entitled MOSES, delineating the true ins and outs of how these poor Jewish people REALLY got lost in the desert for forty years.

THE TIN COMMANDMENTS, an archaeologist's argument about the idea that morals of the time would have been carved in stone and not in an already handier metal.

Cooking-Musicals:

OKRA-HOMA

CUTS (no not CATS) a butcher sings his way to head chef by identifying veal cutlets from beef cutlets

HARE the story of some rabbits of the sixties who prefer drugs or carrots to finely kabob-ed meats

SHOW BEET Jerome Kern explores the dark side of growing large vegetables for show and for eating..vis. Half Spoon Bay Lard and Pimpkin Festival--in the film version the famous song Old Man Liver,is sung, in which a down-hearted cook personifies the liver he is about to cook, and sings his sympathy for it because he lacks onions.

What is that song THREE CREPES IN THE FOUNTAIN from?

HOW GREEN WAS MY PARSLEY?

DIRTY DUNKING two cops on their break sing..well you know the rest..

THE PHANTOM OF THE OMLETTE...

Gardening

ENGLISH FOR GARDENERS, a practical guide for non-native speakers

who wish to endear themselves to their upper-class employers (or

slave-holders). Emphasis is on the verb "to be" and not on the verb "to

have." WGBH Boston

ABNORMALITIES IN WORM DIGESTION

HOW SLUGS SLEEP

Gardeners' Lament: "A hose by any other name wouldn't smell as sweet." We can add this to our list of imponderables.

Now we turn to our Robert Frost hymnals:

The rose is a rose,

And was always a rose.

But the theory now goes

That the apple's a rose,

And the pear is, and so's

The plum, I suppose.

The dear only knows

What will nest prove a rose.

You, of course, are a rose--

But were always a rose.

I think we all can see the advantages of changing the wording slightly to

nose, not rose.

THE YELLOW HOSE OF TEXAS

Ethnic education: THERE IS A HOSE IN SPANISH HARLEM

Linguistic song confusion: DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN Hose

"My love is like a red red hose" 17th Century verse (say how in your own

privacy)

I guess this could be called THE SUBJECT{ABOVE} WAS ROSES. I don't know how there could be a ROSE IN SPANISH HARLEM without, repeat without, A ROSA IN SPANISH HARLEM to be truly ethnic. And the YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS is beyond me...which isn't far. ROSA AMARILLA DE TEXAS is linguistically correct but doesn't quite trip off the tongue so well. It's kinda hard to see Gene Autry and Tex Ritter around the campfire really belting that one out.

Miscellaneous

EMBARRASSMENT is an awfully eye-catching "subject." Possibly we could start a list of the different kinds of embarrassments. No, I think Monty Python already did that. We could be more inclusive.

Embarrassing ship names, for example: The U.S.S Heinie

H.M.S. Brassiere

Embarrassing restaurant names: The Lobster's Tush

Sir Geoffrey's Organ (specializing in Kidney pie)

The Gased Bean

The Royal Hinde Quarters

Server of Loins

Which brings me to another point. Did you ever wonder what Roy Rogers would have been like if he had learned to play the banjo instead of the guitar. It's so blo*dy hard to croon with a banjo. He might not have married Dale Evans--probably someone more like Beaulah Everdo. Probably never would have had TRIGGER stuffed and put in the den.

This lies in the area of musical instrument determinism. Which brings me to my obvious point: How can Clinton get the lungs for the sax when he "didn't inhale"? Can you imagine any president ever playing the violin/non-jazz..?

And we need common expressions like: "He woke up on the LONG side of the bed" to refer to people who have one in wide-ways.

Battering down the walls of good taste is a thankless task.

Another category(?) Operas/Oratorios with food titles/plots/arias

MADAME BATTERFLY features a sensitive aria in which the head "madame" debates the practice of sending her batter thru the air at her insensitive husband..

LA FETTUCINE SPLATTA GROSSA, a well sung tragic opera in which the casta diva learns one vital lesson: test the pasta's doneness by throwing it at a wall before adding the sauce, not after...

OLE! SOLE MIO in which the tenor learns to bull fight successfully with his filet of sole, and wins the right to kill it and cook it

FAUCET by Gounod, one of the few--surprisingly--famous French operas regarding the debate in France over cooking with tap-water taken from the bathroom or the closer-by kitchen..A dirty old man wagers his soul in a famous filly adieu with the Devil...(gasp..)

Oratorios: Haydn's CREATION MESS A religious lament by God over "Who gets to clean up?" given on the seventh day of creation, supposedly His Day of Rest, as He looks out over the first garbage dump...

Quite naturally this leads to Biblical stories (do we have this category yet?)

The Parable of the Prodigal Fur: two days before her planned divorce a husband finds enough money on the sidewalk to buy his wife a mink stole

The Parable of the Wise and Foolish (incomprehensibly sluttish) Virgins--don't have to change this one at all...

The Parable of the dead fig ... this one was left out of the Bible originally because it wasn't clear what the dead fig symbolized

Some new categories, topics, subjects to think about:

i.e. famous themes of literature/ bumper-stickers: Life is a butch and then you go bald.

Or maybe just Bumper stickers. Remember when things were simple like SAVETHE FOREST. Now we have NUKE THE GAY WHALES. What the hell does that mean? I kinda like PUKE THE GRAY WHALES, BLUE WHALES YOU SWALLOW.

And the Yuppies: MY OTHER CAR IS A HORSE.

I'D RATHER BE GREASING RATS.

I'd rather not be reading these ***** things. (kinda like my e-mail...)

Or another favorite: IF YOU'RE RICH I'M SINGLE. Why not be simple and say: I can be bought, and belong to WHORES ARE US. The ones that say SHI* HAPPENS...What about Urination..doesn't that also happen? Need we brag.

I WANT A BUMPERSTICKER THAT SAYS: SYPHILIS HAPPENS. A few eyes may roll at that one. Try and sell that to the Yuppie public. Let's push ALL the limits; we are already anyway.

My poetic self likes the sticker altered thus: LIFE IS A TWITCH AND THEN YOU DIE.

Animalistic prejudices: there are only dog days never cat days. FAIRNESS TO CATS IN IDIOMS Society. the expression "like shi* thru a goose," is unfair to the means of digestion geese have.....

Also: "It's raining cats and dogs " What a Hell of a purely cruel thought. Bouncing furballs everywhere means what? Raining hard. Let's just say it simply.

I remember my father...say, I whisper to say it, "mad as a wet hen" Imagine the senseless stereo typing (can this be done) many hens had to endure due to that unfair humanic-centrism...I think we need some politically correct commentary on idioms and expressions that demean or stereotype farm animals especially, but animals in general. I'm sure that you agree. For further example, "to strut like a rooster"--what does that mean? I have been acquainted intimately with many roosters and very few, if any, really strutted. More often than not, the scream their lungs out, waking hung-over people who'd rather be asleep, and quite rapidly fall back asleep them self or perform quite perfunctory coop duties.

"Is a frog's as* water-tight?" In fact, I've known many frogs who were loose of bowels. Do you see why this is so wrong-headed?

And another thing: How many women have been described as "strutting around like a bitch in heat"? I find this in some ways unfair to everybody. Men never "strut around like he had four p******." (And how many animals do?) God, one hardly knows where to begin!

"You stink like a skunk." Well, if skunks really "stink," how can they find each other so appealing that their breeding rate is likely to replace cockroaches on the list of the overpopulated species of this tender planet?--again, humanic-centrism.

Furthermore, anything with a rapid growth rate "breeds like rabbits." Well, with all due respect, the Chinese have a one-child policy and yet there are a billion of them threatening to crowd the planet in a way rabbits never could. Or would.

Let's not even start with "he wolfed down his food."

From our guest writer:

Phobias: fears: THE PHANTOM OF OPRA, will talk shows walk about the house interviewing anonymous unseen guests?

the fear of the compulsion to kick a milking stool out from beneath someone who is busy at work

the fear of walking sideways when everyone else is walking erect

the fear of losing change in holey pockets and having them get stuck in one's socks

the fear of losing one's shadow on a cloudy say

the fear of saying "Grace" at an atheist's house

the fear of finding out in the Afterlife that one chose the wrong God to pray to

the fear of slugs writing obscenities in indelible slime

the fear of Friday the thirteenth falling on the twelfth

the fear of homosexuals having your same first name

the fear of your spouse's facial hair

the fear of loving your own pillow too much