1998

May 2003

May 2003

For a long time I believed I was destined to live my whole life as an overweight person, and for a long time I swept aside my dreams of being thin and healthy. I've lived my whole adult life overweight, and I remember being overweight through most of my childhood. I know from pictures I wasn't always this way; I was a healthy, normal baby and young child.

I started gaining weight and becoming self-conscious about the way I looked when I was in junior high school — that awkward time when we're developing a sense of self and what we value. It seems at that age and into high school, looks are high on the list of what's really important about life and people's worth. Teens strive to fit in and be "normal," whatever that means. It's hard enough to feel like you fit in at that time, but being overweight makes it easy to stand out. I felt like a thin person on the inside and that my body wasn't a true representation of the kind of person I felt I was — smart, sassy and witty.

Because I excelled in academics, I allowed myself to remain overweight. I had that one good thing going for me. Plus I had friends and a loving family, so being overweight was something I'd just have to deal with. I was involved in school clubs and church activities. No one made fun of me or pressured me to lose weight. I was told how smart and beautiful I was. I won a scholarship to college and graduated with honors and got a great job just before graduation. I had lots of things and people in my life that made me proud, and I know they were all proud of me, too. Being fat didn't keep me from accomplishing anything I set my mind to. I just never set my mind to being thin!

After a few feeble attempts to get in shape and lose weight, I just stopped trying. I tried Slim-Fast when I was 15. I lost 15 pounds, but who can drink those shakes forever? I enjoy real food! I tried joining a gym, but I didn't change my eating habits. I built some strength and felt better, but I wasn't getting smaller.

I can't think of one defining moment when I decided to join Weight Watchers. It was the culmination of a lifetime of being fat and seeing pictures and saying, "That can't be me," or "But I don't FEEL that way." I went to an at-work meeting on Friday, November 5, 1999. I was 5'6" and 25 years old. The scale said 255. I felt scared and desperate. Then it hit me: I am obese, and I need to lose more than 100 pounds. The number seemed to tower over me and any attempt I might make to chip away at it. I knew I had to do something, though. I made it through my first week. I drank the water. I ate within points. I journaled. I exercised. The next Friday, I stepped on the scale again. It said 251. I was so happy! I ate regular food and felt good yet still lost weight. I was going to do this.

This journey has been exciting. It's had its ups and downs, including a painful divorce, during which I stopped going to the meetings and gained back 20 pounds that I'd worked so hard to take off. There have been frustrating times when I've wanted to forget the whole thing and eat everything I want when I want. But there have been enough feelings of joy to keep me from doing it. Each pound or fraction of a pound I shed puts me one step closer to where I want to be, but I do enjoy where I am today because of how far I've come and the things I've learned.

I've learned that a body needs water, food, exercise, and sometimes chocolate. I've learned that I can eat anything I want, but not in the same day. I've learned that I won't always be rewarded on the scale when I feel I deserve it, and I won't always be punished when I feel I've had a bad week — the scale eventually will reflect what I do. I've learned that I'm not the only one who has issues with weight, but my experience is as individual as I am; what works for someone else may not work for me and vice versa.

Losing weight is an accomplishment, but it's the daily details that make it so worthwhile. I'm smaller than I was in high school. I can shop in stores other than Lane Bryant or stores with plus-size departments, and I can wear the style of clothes I want. I've made money selling my old clothes to a consignment shop, and I've given some away to friends who can use them. When people look at me, I'm starting to feel that they're not looking at my weight. I don't have to style my hair to de-emphasize the roundness of my face. "One-size-fits-all" clothes fit. I can walk faster, breathe easier and make it through an hour of aerobics without having to stop. My blood pressure is in the healthy range, and I've lowered my cholesterol without drugs. I know what a regular portion size is. I know what to buy and what not to buy at the grocery store. I can pass up a donut or candy in the office and feel great about my choice.

I truly believed I would be fat forever. The key to my weight change has been my mind change. I am aware of everything I eat, and I am in control of what I eat. I know now that I can and will reach my goal weight. I can and will fit into smaller clothes. I am in good physical shape now, and I'll continue to improve. I know I will realize my dream of being thin and healthy. My goal is to lose 107 pounds. I've lost 80 of them so far. My body is changing to become the person I feel like I've always been inside. I believe I will see my goal of 148 on the scale someday soon.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, requests, rants or just want to say "Hi," I'd love to hear from you. E-mail me.

October 1998, before joining WW
Starting weight: 255 pounds

December 2002
191 pounds

April 20, 2003
The cute guy is my boyfriend.
177.2 pounds