Poetical Nonsense - The Misadventures in Halifax Page, Part two

Part two -- In which the pig is collected and orders are given

We drove to the Brewers Market which is apparently the place to go if you need to pick up a pig in Halifax at 6:30 in the morning. Gig stumbled off in search of coffee while Dan and I went to meet the lady who was going to give us the pig.

That's when I first saw the pig. It was about 160 pounds and looked exactly like you would imagine a big old dead pig to look like. Gig caught up with us and declared it to be "a fine pig, a good roaster". He decided that we would not have to hack the hooves off (big sigh of relief from me- thank you God). Gig was concerned about the amount of hair on the pig - apparently this is not a feature that enhances the roasting process. He said, in that special pirate way "Looks like we might have to take the razor to it" I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not so I assumed he wasn't.

The lady who sold Dan the Pig (who had the good sense not to tell me her name) thought that the beast was too big to fit in the trunk of Dan's car but somehow I knew Gig would make it fit. The three of us hoisted the animal into the trunk of the car. As we drove away from the Market its' snout was poking majestically out of the trunk.

We made it back the the Club where the reception was going to be held. The Colonel was waiting patiently for us. The trunk was opened and the pig was surveyed. The colonel agreed that it was a fine roasting specimen. Apparently all we had to do know was lift the pig onto the roaster and leave the Gig and the Colonel to their business. I envisioned going back to Dan's house and jumping back into bed. Unfortunatly, there were technical problems.

Three of us managed to hoist the swine onto the pig roaster (the colonel supervised), but it was a bit too big to fit on properly. The Gig and the Colonel confered and they agree that the hooves did indeed have to be hacked off. Also, at this point, the Colonel who was at the business end of the pig, declared it to be a female. That was more information than I needed at this point. From this point on, for the rest of the day, the pig was refered to as "She". Dan ventured inside the Club to find a phone as we were in desperate need of a hacksaw to de-hoove the beast. Dan phoned his brother-in-law to be, waking him up at 7:00 on the day of his sister's wedding. "Don't ask any questions", he told him "I need your hacksaw". My hangover was hanging on for dear life.

I left with Dan to fetch the saw and as we were getting in the car the Colonel told us to bring back "two large double, doubles" which was pirate talk for two coffees with double cream and double sugar.

We returned with the de-hooving implement and the beverages. The poor pig's feet were cut off and tossed into a nearby trash bin. This bin would later come back to haunt Dan and I. The pig was hoisted onto the roaster and impaled on the spit, the spit was plugged in and the pig began to slowly rotate. Charcoal was sprinkled at the bottom of the roaster, then from out of thin air Gig produced a flame thrower which was hooked up to a tank under the roaster.

"Stand Back" Gig yelled over the roar of flame thrower. (I had visions of Gig storming a Nazi pillbox on Omaha Beach with the Colonel shouting orders from the landing craft). The coals were ignited and the cooking finally began.

The Colonel enquired of Dan if the bride would be in attendance around 4:30 when "The eyes would start popping out"

Coming Soon -- Part 3 (In which things start to get wierd)
© 1996 Tony Abbis, all rights reserved.

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