the
kittener

Shaggy Dog Story, and a couple of (non-jousting) Lists

After the Plague, the kings of a pair of neighboring towns make a trade agreement to help each other against illness. The towns are two days apart by caravan, but close enough by a fast horse that a messenger can ride ahead to summon a chirurgeon, negotiate payment, and start the gathering and preparation of medical supplies should large quantities be needed.

This arrangement is invoked to reciprocal benefit several times, until one wet spring one of the towns is hit with a virulent and rapidly fatal influenza. The king hastily sends a rider followed without delay by carts to carry the payment and supplies. Enough drivers, animals, and torches accompany the carts to enable an unbroken journey.

The expedition makes good time and trades successfully, starting the return journey without even stopping to rest overnight.

But two nights later, the king of the suffering town is becoming worried and angry. The expedition, due early in the morning, even allowing for the delays of rain, has not arrived. The king is frustrated at being unable to provide even comfort, much less cure, for his people.

...Meanwhile...

In the wasteland between the towns, the drivers are making the best time possible; however, it has been a long journey. The relentless pace begins to take its toll. Everyone is sore from the long hours on foot, on cart planks, and in saddles. The wheels and other gear creak and pop annoyingly, and the slippery, sticky mud constantly threatens to cause an accident. Worst of all, tempers are on edge with worry about the conditions back home. To top it off, one of the party falls ill and the hard-gotten panaceas are not immediately effective. They are hours behind schedule, and hope only to get home by dawn the next day.

On that evening of their expected return, in the midst of all this misery, the leader of the expedition starts whistling, trying to improve morale. The others join in; even the sick man hums a bar now and then and seems to improve thereby.

This goes on for a few songs until, suddenly, they hear an awful wail! The leader signals for the carts to stop, and motions all to silence.

Nothing.

They continue with the journey and soon resume their music. Amazingly, it appears that singing in combination with the medicines and traditional incantations is working a rapid cure; the man who fell ill is making a good recovery.

"Croak -- Wail"

The leader signals everyone to hush, and again stops the carts.

This goes on for a bit -- every hundred yards or so, a horrid noise intrudes on their attempt at merriment, and they must stop to look about and seek out what might threaten them in the darkness. Whatever it is seems to mock them, turning their meager hope into fear and unrest. Even the most cheerful or holy music does not keep it at bay; in fact, it seems to flourish and grow stronger just when they're at the peak of singing, humming, and whistling along -- dragging everyone's mood down just when they get to feeling halfway human again. Unnerving, it certainly is.

Morning arrives. Dawn breaks over the kingdom, and the castle guards open the gates, deleriously happy to see the party returning with aid for the ill. The travelers clamber wearily off the carts. Servants take the medicine and herbs to the local practicioners of magic and medicine; the visiting practitioners follow to help; and the leader with his crew goes directly to make the official report to the king.

The king is quite vexed. "You are late!" he roars from his throne. If glares could kill, the leader would be dead before his knees touched the carpet.

Trembling, he tries to soothe his liege. "Yes, Your Majesty. I most humbly apologize and beg your forgiveness for the delay. We do have the medicine that will help our people, and we've discovered a new technique to make the cure more quick and effective!"

This appeases the king, who after all, is fair and just, and he relaxes with a long sigh. But also being an astute ruler, he senses something wrong. "What is this? You have lost one of your party?"

Some h'm-ing and shuffling of feet ensues.

"Well, speak up! Where is he?" demands the king.

"Well, Your Majesty," begins the leader, "we erm...uhm..." He shifts his weight from foot to foot, looking at the ground.

"Well, spit it out, man!"

"Your Majesty, it goes back to us being late with the medicine. We traveled as swiftly as we could...but..." The leader falters for words.

"Yes???"

"Well...Sire, we're late because we had a flat squire."

(original story by Mark Fairlight, edited by Meglimir)

Lists

movie - Revenge of the Musketeers

French, 1994; released in USA with English subtitles, 1999
Rated R (brief nudity, mild profanity)
Running time: 130 minutes

D'Artagnan with greying hair, arthritis, and -- a rebellious, teenage daughter??

Twenty years have put a few layers of rust on the Musketeers. Politics, family concerns, and death have taken their toll. But when Eloise D'Artagnan (Sophie Marceau) recognizes conspiracy in an escaped African slave, a convent laundry list, and a woman in red, she hustles her famous father (Philippe Noiret) out of contented obscurity. The Musketeers ride again! (Despite some flagging of the all-for-one enthusiasm when it comes to dealing with the liberated daughter.) Make that the Musketeers-and-a-half, counting Eloise's poetically subversive boyfriend.

This is Richelieu's France, where plots thicken faster than one of Planchett's roux soups. Conspiracies spring from the woodwork on fantastic leaps of logic. The Cardinal knows of eight schemes, but might there be more? Are they economic, murderous, or imaginary? His one-eyed spy has a secret or two to reveal on one side or another. Meanwhile, everyone swindles everyone else, a practice greatly convenienced by the selective loss of mathematical abilities.

After a lifetime at court, D'Artagnan's own skill as a swordsman is only exceeded by his cunning as a con man. Both talents, evidently, breed true. Eloise, raised in a convent, acquits herself nicely against desparate ruffians and the Cardinal's seasoned troops. (Sword fodder abounds. But the bloodletting is choreographed for minimal cleanup between takes.) Given some of the insights about the convent, perhaps Eloise's resourcefulness and aplomb in the face of intrigue aren't so surprising.

Serious moments highlight the comedy. D'Artagnan's exasperation and pride in Eloise's antics are familiar to any parent. Most of the bad guys are honest about themselves to the point of irony, and even the Villainous Vamp becomes a sympathetic character at last. The plot is full of send-ups that strike close to home and in-jokes for swashbuckler and French history buffs.

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