Family Life in Islam
by Mir Mustafa Hussain

Home plays a very important role in the civilised life of man. It is a small world in itself. An individual
is born, brought up, and trained in family atmosphere and this naturally leaves an everlasting
impression on him. His character and habits are developed at home, and in the family, and these
factors are responsible for his future career. This is the reason why the Quran has laid so much
emphasis on family life, and has touched (for guidance) even the minute aspects of it in most
elaborate form. A good family order serves as a model for the society, and its people determines
future of a nation.

Within a family, role of its head is very important as the entire responsibility of family management
rests on him, particularly at the stage when children are in their tender age. He has to protect himself
as well as his family members from all kinds of troubles and difficulties. He has to arrange for their
basic needs health, care, and educational requirements. The head of the family has to be very
carefully while taking decisions in these matters. A wrong decision taken by the head of the family
can become the cause of great damage to the entire family. He shall, therefore, prevent himself and
his family from the disastrous consequences of choosing a wrong path (66:6). He has to see that his
family is engaged in productive activity as well as constructive work. This is possible through correct
and farsighted planning and its effective implementation.

HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP

Husband and wife, particularly as father and mother, are the two significant pillars upon whom the
entire edifice of the family rests. It is, therefore essential that their relationship should be cordial as
well as harmonious to achieve happiness and prosperity of the family so that the home may serve as
model for others in the society. Such relationship creates an impact on younger members particularly
the children. From the beginning itself the relationship between these two life partners should be
cordial if not ideal.

The main object of married life is that the husband and wife live together honourably and
harmoniously in love and affection, and thereby make home a place of peace and an abode of rest
and pleasure -- a heaven on earth. It will serve as a model for others to follow (25:74). This kind of
relationship will provide opportunity to both the spouses to make use of their potential and allow
their capabilities to grow and develop (30:21). Both should respect and be complementary to each
other. The relationship between the two should be most intimate. The Quran has so beautifully
described the type of their homogeneity when it says that husband and wife are garments for each
other (2:187).

It has been often reminded that treatment given to wife by her husband should not be harsh in order
to appropriate a part of her dower unless she is found guilty of open indecency, the matter will of
course be decided by the appropriate authority. When something from the side of the wife is
disliked, one should not get annoyed over immediately or diced at once to get separated from her. It
is quite possible that such thing may bring about abundant good for the husband (4:19).

NIKAH (Marriage)

Man and woman agree together to lead married life and this agreement is called nikah (marriage),
and the two parties accept the responsibilities and obligations and thus live together as husband and
wife. For nikah it is necessary that both man and woman have attained the age of puberty-the age of
full bloom and strength (4:6, 40:67). Nikah is not possible without mutual consent of both the parties
in the presence of at least two witnesses, one from the side of the man and the other from the side of
woman. (Man and woman have free choice to marry each other (4:3, 19) Men have been forbidden
to marry women against their will, they cannot marry without obtaining consent of women and thus
become their masters instead of companion. (4:19) The criterion for selection of spouse should be
the unanimity of ideology and faith in Islam, and this is the reason why a momin (Believer-man) is
forbidden to marry a mushrika (Unbeliever-woman) vice versa, and thus to save home from
becoming hell whereas Allah wants it to become heaven (2:221).

Nikah should be performed in a declared manner, and the relationship between the spouses should
not be kept a secret. If it is performed secretly it is not legal. (4:25; 5:5) The Quran has not
suggested any ceremony for nikah, nor it has mentioned about involvement of a (third) person to
perform it. Since nikah is an agreement between two parties, government can formulate rules and
regulations (marriage Act), and it has to be performed accordingly.

For those who are capable of getting married the society has to provide facilities for nikah. (24:32)
Those who could not get facilities to get married should keep themselves chaste by self-control till
they get alliance. [(24:33)-VI, p.803] Prostitution is prohibited.

Married couple is forbidden from sexual Intercourse when:

(I) The women is not in normal physical
condition i.e. during menses, and after this
period they can have it as per the natural laws
(2:222);

(ii) When either of them or both are observing
fast (of course from dawn to dusk) (2:187);
and

(iii) Even from dusk to dawn when one is in
retreat in the mosque (for some assignment).
(2:187)



Forbidden Women for Nikah

Certain women (relationships) are forbidden for nikah. They are:

(1) Yours mothers

(2) Your daughters

(3) Your sisters

(4) Your father’s sisters

(5) Your mother’s sisters

(6) Your brother’s daughters

(7) Your sister’s daughters

(8) Your foster mothers

(9) Your foster sisters

(10) Mothers of your wives

(11) Your stepdaughters, which have been brought up under your guardianship and are born of
wives with whom you have had marital relations. If you have not had marital relations then the
prohibition does not apply.

(12) Wives of your real sons.

(13) It is also prohibited to have in marriage two sisters at the same time.

Also forbidden to you in marriage are those women who are already married except those whom
you already possess. (4:23,24)

Monogamy and Polygamy

It is a misunderstanding that Islam has permitted polygamy (to marry and keep four wives at a time).
The fundamental principle is to have one wife at a time. The Quranic instructions that if one decides
to marry another woman in place of his existing wife he has to divorce (as per the given procedure)
and this itself clarifies that no one is allowed to have more than one wife at one time. (4:20) This
should not lead to think that whenever a person wants to marry another woman in place of his
existing wife, he might divorce her and go for another marriage (for sex enjoyment or for other
reasons). Second marriage is not permitted until and unless differences between husband and wife
have reached the climax, ending up by declaring talaq (divorce) and the wife is divorced

To have more than one wife, up to a maximum of four at a time has been permitted under
extra-ordinary circumstances and for valid reasons. For example, as a result of war when a
considerable number of women became widows including those of very young age, and large
number of children become orphans, and when their economic, social, ethical, and sexual problems
cannot be solved by any other satisfactory means, the Islamic State can allow an exception to the
general rule of monogamy. Such an exemption has to fulfil two conditions viz. (I) such a person will
have to do justice and give equal treatment to all his wives, and (ii) he should be economically sound
enough to bear the burden of such a large family. Of course consent of the first wife in this matter is
necessary. If anyone of these conditions is not fulfilled, permission to go for next marriage is not
granted and one should stick to the rule of one wife (4:3); this is the only verse found in the Quran on
this subject. Rather at another place the Quran says that despite his strong desire it would not be
possible for a husband to be fair and just towards women (wives). One should not be inclined wholly
to one wife leaving the other in a state of suspension, like one who remains neither divorced nor
undivorced (4:129).

Mahr (Dower)

Mahr (dower) is that amount which is paid by the husband to his wife at the time of nikah (marriage)
or agrees to pay afterwards. Mahr is the term in usage to express the payment, the Quran has not
used this word, and instead it has used the word nehlah to clarify that this amount is not in lieu of
anything else except a specific gift to wife and not remuneration (4:4). Its payment is compulsory. In
this regard an example of honeybee has been quoted in the holy Quran so far as payment of mahr is
concerned, when the honeybee expels honey it does not expect any return for it.

If the amount of mahr has not been fixed at the time of nikah the payment will be acceptable by
mutual consent. Since the payment has to be made necessarily, it has to be fixed as per the
husband’s capacity to pay it. Therefore, the amount could be anything, even a heap of gold (4:20).
The mahr is generally paid at the time of nikah (marriage) itself. In case nikah has been performed
but mahr has not been fixed, it can be fixed after the nikah (2:236). Mahr is the property of the
woman (wife). She cannot be deprived of her right. If the woman (wife) so desire, she can forego
the whole amount or a part of it (4:4, 4:24).

In case divorce has taken place after nikah, and the husband has not touched the woman (wife) and
(I) if mahr has not been fixed, then the husband has to pay as much as he can so that the damage
thus caused to the woman’s name could be made good to some extent. This kind of treatment is
necessary because it exhibits its worth (2:236; 33:49); (ii) if the mahr was fixed but the man has not
touched the woman (he has married) and divorce has taken place, then half of the value of mahr will
be given to the woman unless she, by herself forgoes it or if the husband pays the entire mahr it is his
righteous act (2:237).

Under a situation when the woman is found guilty of open lewdness (immorality) a portion of the
mahr could be given to the husband (4:19).

In case the woman demands for divorce and if court feels it necessary, she has to forego a part of
the mahr and get free from the marriage - the nikah (2:229)

Giving material goods as jahez (dowry) is merely a custom about which there is no mention in the
Quran. Demand for such material goods or cash by the man is gross excess; the Quran has rather
instructed men to give to the woman but not to take from her.

Tense Relationship

The object of nikah is to lead a purposeful, peaceful, and harmonious life. For this purpose selection
of an alliance has to be done carefully and thoughtfully. Inspite of taking all-possible care in this
matter, certain circumstances arise and result in tense relationship between husband and wife. This
situation prevails temporarily and gets normalised by lapse of time. In other situation, a person in
anger calls his wife as his ‘mother’ or talks some rubbish with her; this is called zihar. This is a kind
of thoughtlessness in oaths, and when the anger subsides, he feels ashamed of it. Such calling does
not make his wife the mother, and it is similar to that of calling a person as ‘son’, and this does not
make him a natural son (33:4). Such an attitude towards wife is strongly condemned and punishment
has been imposed for it that such a person, before touching his wife should free a slave (since slavery
prevailed in the then Arab society). If he is not in position to do so, he should fast for two months
consecutively, and if he is unable to observe fast the should feed sixty indigent (poor) persons before
they touch each other (58:3-4).

In another case when a man has taken an oath for abstention from his wife that he well not conjugate
with her, he is given four months (as waiting) for reconsideration to resume as this situation cannot
remain permanently. During this period if they resume conjugation, they are permitted to do so. If
their intention is firm to dissolve the marriage they can do so as per the provisions of the Divine Laws
(2:226 -27 ‘ 4:35), The object is not to leave the woman at the mercy of man under any
circumstances. And her rights are fully protected.

In connection with relationship between husband and wife (4:34), it is generally interpreted that the
rank of man (husband) is higher than that of woman (wife), and men are rulers over women, An
example of such an interpretation is: "As far those women who seem to have gone refractory, (first)
admonish them (and then, if necessary) remove them to separate beds, and (if that fails) give them a
shaking." (4:34) In case if a situation arises when woman (wife) turns rebellious, this will not remain
an individual problem but it will become a collective one; the matter of protection and upbringing of
the children will get associated with this case. At this stage, the society or the State has to take steps
giving them a chance to understand each other and rethink over the matter. If this approach fails,
then their husbands will be asked to detach their sexual relations for sometime, so that this treatment
may create a psychological effect on their mind. If all these approaches fail, the court of law may give
some physical punishment to the party at fault. In case the husbands are given a free hand to punish
their wives by beating them, it will create chaos in the society, and instead of solving a problem, we
may create several other problems for the women, their suckling babies children, homes, hospitals,
etc.

Talaq (Divorce)

It has been stated earlier that nikah is an agreement, with full consent between a man and a woman
(fully matured and sane) for leading married life. This aims at a happy family life. When possibility of
maintaining married life does not remain, both the parties are permitted to cancel their nikah - marital
tie; and a relief from this bond is called talaq (divorce).

In the matter of nikah only two individuals-man and woman are involved, and therefore, it is
confined to these two individuals only. The matter of talaq is not so confined to two individuals
alone; sometimes besides them, their children’s interest will be affected, and thus it becomes a
common matter of the society. It is worthy of consideration that at the time of formulation nikah
deed consent of both the parties viz. man and woman was necessary; when the same agreement is
being terminated, how could only one party namely the husband is given all the rights to terminate the
same unilaterally, saying in one breath talaq-talaq-talaq, and driving away the lady from home. At
the same time, she is helpless to face innumerable troubles to settle the matters of divorce.

Rights and responsibilities of husband and wife are equal, and the position of both the parties shall be
similar in the matter of talaq too. Guidance of the Quran in this respect is that "If you fear a breach
between the couple, then appoint an arbiter from the man’s family and an arbiter from the woman’s
family. If the two (husband and wife) desire to reach a settlement, God is knowing, the Apprised of
all." (14:35) Some of the Islamic scholars say that this is "An excellent plan for settling family
disputes, without too much publicity or mud-throwing or resort to the chicaneries of the law. The
Latin countries recognise this plan in their legal systems."

In the matter to talaq, irrespective of complaint put forth either by the husband or the wife, it will be
the responsibility of the society to appoint a board of arbitration. If the wife feels excesses or
negligence from the husband’s side, the better course will be that both husband and wife should sort
out their differences or appoint a board of arbitration. (4:128) The woman (wife) can also take her
case to the court that she too has got full right for divorce (as per the law). But the efforts of the
board will be to settle the matter between the husband and the wife amicably. The Quran has used
the term talaq for husband and wife both; it has not used the term khula, which has been coined
later. It is said that ‘husband has handed over the right of talaq to the wife, but this is not correct.
When the wife too has got the same right of talaq as that owned by the husband, then handing over
the right of talaq to the wife by her husband makes no sense.

If a settlement between husband and wife in the matter of talaq could not be reached, then the
institution or the court, which has appointed the arbiters, will pronounce the dissolution of the nikah
(marriage). This is called talaq. In the matter of talaq, the Quran has addressed the Prophet (S),
who was a judge or court (65:1). This indicated that the matter of talaq is not restricted to the two
parties i.e. husband and wife only, it has wider horizons. The Prophet (S), who was assigned by the
Almighty the role of court, was asked to inform the concerned persons that the matter of iddat
(‘waiting period’ during which a divorced woman or a widow cannot marry) carries great
significance, and this should always be kept in mind (65:1). As the iddat is based on menstruation, to
account for iddat the talaq judgement should not come into effect until the concerned woman has
completed three menstrual cycles. Those who do not menstruate due to physical disorder or old age,
should wait for three months (65:4); only those women whose marriage is not consummated, have
no ‘waiting period’ (33:49). If a woman is pregnant she must declare it, and the ‘waiting period’ for
her is until the delivery (65:4). Iddat (‘waiting period’) for a widow is four months and ten days
(2:234).

In case the court sees that the husband does not want to continue with his wife, the talaq judgement
is given and the (divorced) woman will not give anything to the man. In this respect instructions given
are very clear (4:20-21) and that the circumstances have led to the stage of separation. In this case,
if a person has given even a whole treasure as mahr to his wife, he should not take back even a
fraction of it (when talaq process has been initiated from his side). A portion form the mahr can be
taken back when the woman takes initiative for talaq (2:229), or when she is found guilty of open
indecency (4:19). This will also help to check a situation under which a woman performs nikah with
a view to get mahr and afterwards she takes steps for talaq, then she has to surrender a portion of
the mahr. At the same time man has been warned not to accuse or slander a chaste woman of open
indecency with an object of compelling her to forego a part of her mahr for the husband. This is
such an open sin, which does not require any evidence. The instructions are that whatever one has
given her how he can take it back when he has enjoyed marital relations with her. Also at the time of
nikah there was a solemn covenant from the husband for complete protection of her rights, and on
the basis of this one should respect the agreement (4:20-21).

On pronouncement of talaq by the court, iddat commences for the woman; during this period she
cannot marry (as stated earlier). She will remain there only where she was living with her husband
before the talaq, and the cost of her maintenance will be borne by her (previous) husband with a
provision to have the same standard of living she was enjoying before the talaq (65:6-7). If the
woman is pregnant at the time of talaq, her expenditure will be borne by her previous husband till
the delivery. After the delivery if she suckles baby, and if the man cannot make any other
arrangement for this, she should be paid for the suckling, details for payment have to be settled
mutually and under the provisions of the prevailing law. If this arrangement causes hardship to the
man, separate arrangement is made for suckling through some other woman. While fixing the amount
of expenditure of the divorced woman during the ‘waiting period’ or for suckling, it has to be done
as per the paying capacity of the husband. If a person is financially depressed he should pay
whatever he can (65:6-7). Further instructions of the Quran in this respect are: "Reverting to family
laws, men should leave a will behind stating that their widows should be given maintenance for a year
without requiring them to leave their homes. However, if during this period, the women of their own
accord leave their home and make a decision regarding their further life, you are not to be blamed
for it. And remember that these laws are given by Allah who is Almighty Wise". (2:240).

When the iddat is nearing its end, the husband may either take the (divorced) wife back on equitable
terms or part with her on equitable terms (65:2). If the husband initiated termination of Nikah and he
desired to resume the martial relationship, with the consent of the woman he may do so even during
the iddat.

Two things are very clear in this respect (I) if the wife had initiated dissolution of marriage, it means
that she does not want to cohabit with the husband. Therefore the husband cannot take her forcibly;
it is altogether a different matter that she makes her mind to join her husband again; (ii) if the husband
had initiated talaq, though the wife wanted to continue with him and the man corrects himself, then
the martial relationship could be resumed. Under such a situation, the Quran warns that resumption
of marital relationship should not be with a malign intention to do harm to her or to transgress the
limits of Divine law and whosoever harms her harms him. (2:231) When both the spouses desire to
reunite, they should not be prevented (2:232).

When reunion between the spouses has taken place, a question arises that for stabilisation of the
martial relation whether renewal of nikah will be necessary or the same old agreement of marriage
will be enough. This matter has been left to the society that if it wants it can recognise the previous
nikah agreement, and if the society decides otherwise fresh nikah agreement has to be made. The
State has to consider necessary that renewal of the union during iddat should be done in such a way
that this is considered as nikah.

If the spouses have decided again to live as husband and wife, the above procedure will be adopted.
If they have decide for separation, then two witnesses will be required who should not allow any
concession to either of them. These witnesses should stand considering their service as duty to Allah
(65:2). And that consideration (for reunion) which was an available to the man and the woman
during iddat will not remain.

For these individuals (husband and wife), Whether they reunite or get separated, this step will
amount to pronouncing one talaq.

If this couple has resolved to continue as husband and wife (whether during the iddat or thereafter),
and again they have resorted for separation, the same procedure as given above has to be adopted.
This will be treated the second talaq.

After the third talaq, neither during the iddat nor afterwards, they can cohabit as husband and wife
(2:229). In case the woman gets married elsewhere and leads regular married life, and there also
such a situation develop leading to talaq, or she becomes a widow, then the woman can re-marry
her previous husband (2:229-30) In the light of the above explanation, it becomes quite clear that
pronouncement of talaq thrice (at three different times) means final termination of the nikah i.e.
married life.

With regard to suckling the infant (baby), it is not necessary for mother to suckle for a specific
period of time. The parents depending on the conditions of the baby could take the decision in this
matter. In this regard the Quran observes that the mother carries the baby in her womb and suckles
it after delivery for a period of two years (2:233; 46:15), then expenses for the maintenance of the
mother will have to be borne by the father, and these charges will not be beyond the father’s
capacity. If both of them agree that the mother is relieved from suckling of the baby, they may do so.
If the father desires to arrange another woman for suckling the baby, there is no harm in it, but
whatever had been promised to the mother, that should be fulfilled accordingly. If the father dies
during this period, the maintenance cost of the baby should be borne by his heirs.

On separation of husband and wife, children should stay with whom is the matter to be decided by
the competent court or the State. It is to be kept in view that neither the father nor the mother or the
heirs should suffer unnecessarily in this regard. The State could formulate rules for this purpose.

Children (Sons and Daughters)

It is the foremost duty of parents to arrange for proper maintenance, right type of education, and
good training of their children so that they grow satisfactorily, develop their potential, express their
abilities, become virtuous human being, a good citizen, and an ideal member of the society, and
thereby should contribute to the society significantly. It is the responsibility of the parents and the
State to provide opportunities to children for their development, and these basic requirements should
not be denied to them out of fear of want (destination) (6:152, 17:31). Children should be
maintained on lawful earnings. Persons who kill their children foolishly and out of ignorance, they are
big losers, and on account of this they have to face a serious disaster (6:141). Becoming careless
towards children is as worse as killing them; depriving them of education and training is a grave
mistake (17:31). A healthy, well built, and wholesome child is a gift of Allah (7:189-90). A
thoughtful, pious, and loving heart contained by him, a follower of Divine laws and broad-minded
child is a great blessing of the Almighty (19:12-14).

Children include boy as well as girls, and both are born according to the Divine laws. During the
pre-Islamic period (and even today) boys were considered superior to girls receiving better
treatment accordingly. Islam has abolished this mentality. This attitude has been very much
condemned by the Quran (16:58-59).

Care and welfare of family members should receive due attention; wife and children are made
attractive to man (3:13), but for their sake one should not involve him into such activities which are
against the permanent values. One who disregards permanent values becomes envious rather enemy
to man (64:14-15). Whenever there is clash between permanent values and interests of the family,
the Quranic values should always be upheld (9:24). Total home atmosphere maintained by the
parents plays very important role in building up character of children and this create significant impact on them. Character of children gets moulded under good home-atmosphere and parents have to be very cautions and careful in maintaining it. At no point of time the children should be neglected.