Penis Envy
     -Uncle Bonsai

     If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
     In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride
     If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper,
     I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
     If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
     I'd stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
     I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
     I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

     I'd rival my buddies with sports cars and stick shifts.
     I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
     I'd peek around corners, I'd aim at my toilet,
     I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
     If I had a penis I'd run to my mother,
     comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
     I'd lance her, I'd knight her, 
     my hands would indulge.
     Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.

     A penis to plunder, a penis to push
     cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
     A penis to love me, a penis to share,
     to pick up and play with when nobody's there.

     I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair
     I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
     I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets,
     I'd stroll to the movies with hands deep in pockets.
     I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas,
     gas fuzzling Volvos, and poodles and pandas,
     and puddles and drainpipes
     and doggies and ditches
     poodles and puddles
     and puddles and pitches,
     zucchinis and zebras, 
     tomatoes,
     and pineapples, pumpkins,
     gulches and grottos,
     melons and marshmallows,
     guns and gorillas,
     slurpies and slippers.
     Chinooks and chinchillas.

     A penis to plunder, a penis to push
     cause one in the hand is worth one in th bush.
     A penis to love me, a penis to share,
     to pick up and play with when nobody's there.

     If I had a penis I'd climb every mountain.
     I'd force it on females, I'd pee like a fountain.
     If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
     But I'd make much more money and conquer the world!