The Ne'er-Do-Wells

The PseudoSite co-conspirators are identified below so that you might spot them, no doubt lurking about your neighborhood, mocking the passers-by, publicly drinking huge quantities of bad soft drinks, and generally behaving in a rather untowardly fashion. Please use the information below to familiarize yourselves with these miscreants so that you might better identify them to the police, or at least the US Armed Forces.

Joe, The Great Evil One

What more can be said about the Squire of Darkness himself.. In addition to systematically terrorizing his family, friends, co-workers, pets, dishes, and most of the Southern Andalusian Plain, Joe enjoys snowboarding, confusing his enemies, and demolition. He is in many ways the hub and mascot of the Ne'er-Do-Wells; not unlike a cute, cuddly wolverine with fucking huge teeth and claws who consumes several times his own weight in raw red meat per day. Joe burns over 8000 calories a day, but weighs a mere 2132 Troy ounces. Joe always carries several pounds of nuclear-grade enriched plutonium in his car, which is known affectionately as P-Chan. Chances are, Joe probably hates you; but deep down, when really get to know him well and when push comes to shove, he still probably hates you.

Jason, Master of [Censored]

The notorious proprietor of PseudoSite, the sporadically available fly-by-night HQ of dubious respectability located somewhere in that vast and forgotten place that the legends call UC Davis. I can't really go into too much detail about Jason's background, since this is a family page, after all. He is a true Real-Time Strategy Game monster, however, and much literature has been written on the subject (mostly for the purpose of hitting him over the head during a network game). Jason has been known to eat whole elk, and he once destroyed an entire International House of Pancakes with his wrist.

Chris, The Lootkeeper

#include friggin'_huge_amounts_of_computer_equipment.h
#include morestuff.h
#define buy(x) upgrade(x)
#define myToys NOT_ENOUGH
 
void main() {
  if (total_value_of_computer_stockpile < random(10-50)*1000) 
    if (Michael_is_in_town=TRUE) {
      upgrade(something_else_I_just_remembered_I_have);
      netGameCoolnessIndex++;
    }
  break(something);
  repeat;
  }
}

Duane, Duke of Hair

Though he does not actually have a home page at this moment, Duane does possess an award-winning collection of follicles from around the globe. He is currently studying to become a Greek god, though what he really wants to do is operate heavy machinery in a toy store (preferably in one with that girl from the Rocketeer). If you remove the fedora from his head, he will wish really bad things upon you. Duane loves children and possesses a remarkably sunny disposition; he appeared in the movie Clerks. Though you may not realize it, Duane is currently staring at you.

Michael, High Priest of Rhetoric

Michael is capable of entertaining himself for hours on end. His current projects include the mental enslavement of the Greater Los Angeles metropolitan area and trying to get a decent amount of sleep, preferably with one of the women he is stalking. Michael is a world-class thinker of reasonably interesting things, though he prefers to talk about himself endlessly. While he once narrowly defeated the entire Persian army at Granicus using his fearsome dancing skills, he is a master chef in the tradition of Beethoven and Constantine. Most criticism of Michael's cockiness and showmanship is met with swift action from his army of feral rabbits which is kept hidden in his pants.

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Untowardly (adv.): [Latin; unto (directed at or to) + ward (something which scares off or drives away)] -- To run up to someone with the express intent of invoking such feelings of fear and unease that they flee toward the nearest bastion of mainstream civilization like the sheep that they are. (return to text)

P-Chan - Yes, the little angry piglet from Ranma 1/2. Unfortunately, Joe's car does not turn into a vengeful, umbrella-wielding martial-arts maniac when taken through the car wash. (return to text)

PseudoSite - A blatant effort at collective procrastination cleverly disguised as a web site. Not surprisingly, it has moved on to a better, more impressive-looking host site. But it has retained true to its roots as a source of no information in particular. Never sell out to the man! (return to text)

Really Bad Things - Little is known of Duane's strange mental powers, though few can deny their effectiveness. Exactly what they are effective at doing is also questionable, but they sure are powerful. And subtle. Honest. (return to text)

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