Joy. That is the only way to describe how I felt when I went through my mail a few days ago. I received a postcard from Nielsen Media Research. Yes, that's right, the 21st century's Mr. Television himself was about to be asked by Nielsen what he watches on TV. Would The Hollywood Reporter cover my coronation? Would there be a Top Ten List on Letterman commorating this? Would Television Without Pity take pity on me? Would there be pictures of all this on Wireimage? Probably not.
The first thing I thought was "ratings for Law & Order: Criminal Intent and The Late Show With David Letterman are going up!" I record and watch those shows every day (using my VCR/DVD recorder to "time shift" in industry lingo, because of the annoying facts that I have to sleep and work and those things prevent me from watching TV whenever I want to). Being detail-oriented and not a procrastinator, I would be a good person to keep the sort of records Nielsen needs. Also, I would not tell anyone that I'm recording all this while I was serving as a "Nielsen family." Unlike some people, I know when to keep my mouth shut.
This, my Nielsen moment, was my long-awaited chance to be an anonymous drop in a great pool of data. Sort of like the 5th dentist--the one that doesn't recommend Trident sugarless gum for their patients that chew gum. That guy--what's up with him?!?
I've thought about being a Nielsen family before. Naturally I have no family of my own, but you get the idea. I am never called and asked to participate in any of these surveys papers and TV shows keep spouting about. Web sites rarely ask me to participate in surveys--though the Nielsen web site did have a pop-up asking me to do so. Interesting. Having read a lot of government and military-related articles on The Washington Post earlier in the day, I couldn't help but notice that there was no government/military option to click on when they asked what you do for a living. I like reading tests and surveys, because they tell you a great deal about who is giving them, and what they think is important. Apparently the people who keep the world safe for democracy, and the people who deliver the post cards Nielsen mails to us, aren't on their radar. This survey was also somewhat out of date. When asking for the model year of a car (you can't make stuff like this up!) it only accepted answers up to 2005.
The post card said they'd call some time in the next few days. If I said that I longfully waited by the phone I'd be lying, but I did hope every day that they'd call. Finally, on a Thursday I think it was, I received a phone call. The man on the other end asked for someone with a woman's name, so I said it was the wrong number. I could hear the obligatory typing on of keys in the background; on several keyboards it seemed. There was a pause, and I momentarily thought of asking if it was Nielsen calling. In a brief burst of even-handedness, I figured this would be wrong. After all, these things try to have a particular balance of people, and I certainly wouldn't be who they thought they were looking for, throwing that balance. Also, having just looked at the post card again, I see it was addressed to me, so clearly this was not them calling.
No one else called and left a message on my machine that week, or the next, so my chance in the sun (or at least in the anonymous obscurity of the shadow) came and went.
Here's how 22-28 June would have broken down, which is another way of saying this is what I watch all the time:
Sunday - This Week (ABC), any Indy car race (ABC), The McLaughlin Group (PBS), Family Guy (Fox), King of the Hill (Fox)
Every Monday - Friday: Law & Order: Criminal Intent (syndicated reruns on a local channel), The Late Show With David Letterman (CBS)
Monday - How I Met Your Mother (CBS), House (Fox)
Tuesday - Without a Trace (CBS)
Wednesday - nothing (I can assure you that you will observe a vast wasteland.)
Thursday - How I Met Your Mother (CBS), CSI (CBS), The Office (NBC)
Friday - Washington Week (PBS)
Saturday - Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC)
I have a job where I have access to cable TV for a few hours on occasion, so once every few days I could add back-to-back episodes of Charmed on TNT, maybe along with a few episodes of the original Law & Order depending on what they're showing that day. Right now Pulp Fiction is on VH1, and I'm watching that while typing away. Generally not a fan of movies, I'll watch this one. I saw this in a theater when it first came out, and it is still the last movie I saw in a theater that I thought was good enough that I'd want to see it again.
My chance to be a part of the Nielsen ratings came and went. Am I crushed? Am I disappointed? Will this missed opportunity cause my life to spin rapidly out of control, it all ending in a pile of moldy crushed velvet and a visit to the local psych ward? Do I really care about all this deep down? No, not really. I've written a light-hearted and mildly-amusing web page about the experience, which is the 21st century equivalent of boring all your friends with a story they don't really care about, and that'll be my contribution to the world of television. Until I bring back My So-Called Life for a second season...
Valid HTML--unlike Nielsen's feedback page, which claims to be HTML 4.0 Transitional in the header, but isn't.
Last updated: Mon Jul 14 18:11:04 EDT 2008
