The Marriage
My marriage was a big mistake. I went into it, as I had with previous relationships, trying to save someone from their problems...to fix them. This time was tougher to get out of because of the two kids. He was an alcoholic who had a very sad childhood and a mother who could be your worst nightmare. I didn't realize about the alcoholism for the first year. It's amazing how much denial we can live on before we allow any reality to squeeze through.
We were married in October '87. By October '88 he was unemployed for the second time, this one lasting till spring. By December he had been secretly drinking anything he could find in the house. Things gradually got worse. He found another job and the drinking tapered off. Starting the first year, I would periodically get very despondent about the way we lived. I was convinced it would never change. I couldn't see any way out as long as the kids still benefitted from us staying together. They were eight and four when we got married. I loved them both very much.
He must've lost his job the last time in late summer of '91. I found out he was collecting unemployment when President Bush extended unemployment benefits, as his had run out already. I guess that was around November. He had been drinking for some time by that point. Life was getting more and more intolerable. He would often only talk to me to find out what I wanted for dinner. He had taken my role as 'homemaker' over some time before that. I wasn't 'allowed' to cook...it was no longer my kitchen. He spent weeks mastering the art of bread-making and eventually became a good cook. (We suffered through quite a few horrible meals..."This is very good...seconds? No thank you, I'm quite full.") He would brag to people that he was a housewife and enjoyed it. I think it gave him more reason to stay home.
It amazes me how strong denial can be. The kids often asked to have friends over. My reply was always, "Only after we get the house cleaned, do you want people to think we live this way?" I still shake my head over my inability to say KNOW instead of THINK!
As the tension got worse at home I could no longer justify staying together. If he was anywhere on the property I was not able to talk with the kids patiently. I was just too stressed out to treat them the way they deserved. As soon as he was out I was able to interact with them the way any loving mother wants to interact with her children. I just could no longer tell myself that it was helping the kids to stay together. Anything would be better. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and we exhibited too many symptoms of a classic dysfunctional family.