The First Epistle to Doug

On this, the sixth day of August, in the year of our Lord 1992, the one Jeremy Groberg Hubble initiates a grammatically incorrect epistle to the Nebraskaites, specifically the individuals bearing a last name in close similitude to great Far Side one:

1. And it came to pass that after the Doug-one made the long journey to the land northward, the Hubble by the name of Jeremy did enter his junior year in high school.

2. And it came to pass that the Hubble one had a rather uneventful year in the place called school. And behold, the Hubble's scouting achievements did also stagnate, insomuch that very few merit badges were earned.

3. Yea, it came to pass that the great Dave one did voyage northward, to the land of cougars, leaving the Hubble one without a manner of transport to the place of education.

4. And the Hubble one was greatly tempted to obtain the worldly device known as a drivers license. And behold, this object was a thing of evil encouraging slothfulness, and the Hubble one resisted the temptation.

5. Wherefore, at the conclusion of his twelfth year of school (yea, the year commonly called 11th grade) the Hubble was forced into the infernal torture known as "Driver's Ed." And behold, the Hubble was promised a new bicycle for completing the class; and he did ride his old bike wearily every day.

6. And it came to pass that also during this school year the Hubble did also involve himself in pursuits of the academic order. And behold, one of these pursuits was known as "Brainstorm."

7. And it came to pass that in the initial Brainstorm tournament, the Hubble was on a team containing but juniors and seniors. (Yea, by the names of D.J., Chad, and Ted) And behold, the Hubble was not well pleased. However the team was highly talented providing minor pleasure for the Hubble.

8. And it came to pass that in the contest, the team of the Hubble did triumph greatly evensomuch that they did reach the final game of the tournament. And it came to pass that the Hubble did face the Kneip. And behold, the Kneip did smoke the Hubble, evensomuch that the Hubble came away with nothing save a second place plaque.

9. But behold, the Hubble's performance was great enough to enable his inclusion in the elite group known as the 'TV team', and the Hubble did appear on the visual electronic communications system that the Hubble rarely views (save instances when the gam es known as the olympics feature water events and gymnastics.)

10. And it came to pass that sponsor of brainstorm, yea, even one rotund instructor of mathematics did initiate an all-star contest. And behold, the Tv-team members were given the opportunity to draft others to join them in the battle.

11. Yea, the Hubble did chose as his confederates, a Jonesian swimmer by the name of Erin, a White cyclist called Brady, and a Turk called Ben. And behold, these brave warriors set out in their first battle against the former teammate of Hubble, Chad.

12. And it came to pass that the Hubble's team was smoked.

13. But behold, a voice did call out, offering the team of the Hubble one more chance, this being a double elimination battle.

14. And it came to pass that the team of the Hubble did fight valiantly, even so much that they became victorious, defeating the great Kneip.

15. But behold, the tournament was double elimination, and a rematch was declared, and the Hubble was smoked.

16. And it came to pass that prior to the second great storming of the brains, the Hubble did run for Student Body Vice President. And yea, in doing so, he was required to make a speech before the entire population of Temple High.

17. And behold, the Hubble was knowledgeable concerning the powers of the office, and they were few. Thus, he did desire to sing and entertain instead of discussing issues. And this he did, and he was elected. (And it came to pass that Hubble did also use this speech to exhort the Hajra by the name of Sukant to relinquish a tape, and he so did, greatly pleasing the Hubble.)

18. (And it came to pass that the Hubble's mind is full of jello and often recalls small bits of useless trivia while forgetting key events.)

19. And it came to pass that the Hubble did travel greatly following his junior year. Yea, even did he travel to the land northward by the name of Utah.

20. And it came to pass that while he was in the land northward, the Hubble did visit friends and relatives. And behold, he also attended a Computer thingamabob in which he did complete with highest honors. (And behold, he did eat many brownies afterwa rd and become very sick, yea, even so sick as to declare chocolate to be evil, and vow never to further partake of it.)

21. And behold, at University by the name of Brigham Young, there was also a program by the name of EFY taking place. And the Hubble one did attend a talk based on Bill and Ted. But behold, the Hubble did need to return to computer class before the tal k was over.

22. And behold, there was also much celebration at BYU, yea, even to include drinking (of the most inebriating beverage ever consumed by man - Kool Aid) and dancing. Yea, at the dances they did play music by the group called They Might Be Giants. And i t came to pass that the Hubble did appreciate the music, and desire more of it.

23. (And it came to pass that the Hubble was much impressed by their quirky, nonsensical, funny nature that he did use one of their songs as the theme for a play he wrote and performed. And behold, he also did desire to perform their version of a song e ntitled "Istanbul (Not Constantinople).")

24. And it came to pass that as the Hubble was in the land northward, that those in the land of Texas had already initiated the ritual known as summer band. And behold the Hubble, already anointed a leader of ranks was in residence for but three days.

25. (But it came to pass that music selection was entirely from the repertoire of Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and the Hubble was grateful for the lack of exposure.)

26. And verily, as the Hubble did return, the Greg and the James did leave for the college of Rick in the land northward. Yea, and also the great tan one called Chris did leave the quorum of priests for higher honor.

27. And behold, with his leadership gone, the bishop did appoint new assistants. And behold, the Hubble was appointed first assistant, with the Hattaway 2nd, and the McKinley secretary.

28. And it came to pass that the quorum of priests did grow greatly as many sheep returned to the flock. And behold there remains but one inactive member of our quorum (and he being inactive due primarily to a transportation problem. And yea, the quoru m of priests is striving greatly to remedy this problem.)

29. And it came to pass that there was nobody to preside over the class of seminary. And behold the people called upon the Hubble to preside, and he did so gladly.

30. And behold, the Hubble had yet to receive his Eagle.

31. And verily, in the year past, the Hubble was a member of the Academic Decathlon team. Furthermore, he was the top Templite, having achieved honors for his speech, mathematical talent, and knowledge of space trivia.

32. Yea, because of his performance, the Hubble was placed in the class of Academic Decathlon again, even though he desired otherwise.

33. And behold, because of the Sharrock-one and the Acadec ones, the Hubble was unable to take his desired classes in physics, humanities, and world literature. And behold, he was greatly troubled by this situation, but was unable to rectify it.

34. And it came to pass that after school had started, the Hubble attended football games every night. Even so, one night the game took place greatly outside the bounds of Temple. And it came to pass that the Hubble returned very late.

35. And behold, the Hubble was obligated to take the test of scholastic aptitude in Killeen on the morning following.

36. And behold, on the morrow, the Hubble did voyage to Killeen and he did take the test. Even as he received little sleep the night previous, he did fall asleep after every section. And it came to pass that the Hubble did complete each section with gr eat speed so that he might maximize his sleep. And behold, the situation was similar with the ACT later that month.

37. (But behold, even though the Hubble failed to study for the test, and was much fatigued at the time of taking it, he was much pleased with his score. Even so pleased as to desire to write a book on the Hubble way to sleep through the SAT.)

38. And behold, at the end of the Hubble's junior year, the newpaper of Temple High was resurrected. And it came to pass that the Hubble did serve on its staff. And the Hubble did rejoice greatly in the writing of columns, and did also occasionally enj oy writing other types of articles.

39. And it came to pass that soon the storming of the brains was reingaged. And behold, the Hubble was highly desired by many to join their cause. But behold, the Hubble did not desire to alientate any friends, so he procrastinated.

40. And soon, the deadline aproached, and there was but one team remaining, the team to include Mike Irving, Bill Splittgerber, and Sharon Ruiz. And behold, the Hubble was displeased because they were all seniors.

41. And the Kneip one also had a team. And behold, the team of the Kneip did defeat the team of the brother of the Hubble, and the Hubble was much displeased. The Kneip further angered the Hubble by defeating the team of David Morgan and the team of Su kant.

42. The Hubble was much angered upon seeing his compatriots slain on the battlefield, yea, even so was he called to avenge their slayings.

43. And behold, the Hubble did prepare to battle the Kneip in the semifinal game. And behold, the team of the Hubble did proceed to immediately slaughter the Kneip.

44. And it came to pass that the Kneip called upon reserve forces to mount a comebuck. But verily, the Splittgerber did cast them down with the force of alternating current, and the team of the Hubble did remain victorious.

45. And behold, it came to pass that after disposing of the Kneip, the Hubble did reach the final battle. Yea, even the battle that would decide the ruler of the land of storming brains.

46. And it came to pass that in another battle preceeding the final battle, the troops under the command of Erin did defeat the troops of Tommy. Thus the troops of hubble would be required to face the troops of Erin.

47. And the Hubble was much displeaced at having to battle his former allie. But, his troops were primed for the battle that must needs take place. And it came to pass that the troops of Hubble did annhiliate the troops of Erin, yea, evensomuch as to r eign victorious.

48. And it came to pass that the Hubble was again instated on the television team. And he was much pleased, for about a month, when he started to get sick of it.

49. And it came to pass that during this battle, the Hubble-one had failed to practice his region music. And behold orchestra tryouts were the next week.

50. And it ame to pass that Jeremy really hates long chapters. And it also came to pass that his fingers and brain are begining to tire. Thus he will call to an end this, the first chapter of the first epistle to Doug.

Chapter 2

1. And it came to pass that the Hubble had great intentions of practicing his music for the tryouts. Yea, even intentions of the greatness of Dan's intentions of winning the olympic decathalon. And behold, both flopped.

2. And it came to pass that the day of tryouts arrived, and the Hubble realized he really needed to practice.

3. Fortunately for the Hubble, the percussion tryouts were the last tryouts of the day.

4. Unfortunately for the Hubble, he got involved in a great chess game and the pertaining weird discussion that he never got around to practicing.

5. Fortunately for the Hubble, he did a great job of sight-reading and managed to make region orchestra.

6. Unfortunately for the Hubble, he let this go to his head, and tried sight-reading the same music for region band tryouts. He did not have the same kind of sight-reading luck, and was the only person to get laughed at while playing.

7. Fortunately for the Hubble, he wasn't paying attention to the laughing and went right back to his reading. (He managed to finish nearly two weeks worth of government and English reading during the tryouts.)

8. And it came to pass that the story of the Hubble returns to day of orchestra tryouts. And behold, on that day, the Hubble lacked the desire to call for a ride home. Therefore, the Hubble set out to jog home from school.

9. And behold, the Hubble desired to jog so strongly that he twice refused offers of rides from his friends. And behold, the Hubble found much pleasure in jogging home, and continued jogging from this day forward.

10. (And it came to pass that for the first two months, the Hubble was fanatical, and behold, he would jog home even when the sky's did cry greatly. And behold, on these occasions he would refuse rides only to find himself greatly illin' afterwards. An d behold, he later adopted common sense and graciously accepted rides on most occasions of great downpour.)

11. And it came to pass that soon thereafter, the Hubble did arise early on a Saturday morning. And behold he did jog to swim center, yea, even the Hardin swim center adjacent to Temple High. Yea, and he did go there to witness an event known as a 'swi m meet.'

12. (For, he had promised a swimmer by the name of Dwain Coufal that he would attend one. And behold, the promise was made two years prior, and presently the Coufal was no longer a swimmer. Verily, he was now a photographer, taking pictures of the swim meet. But behold, the Hubble did not desire to fail a promise, and furthermore, he knew many others still joining the ranks of the swimmers.)

13. And it came to pass that the Hubble was much pleased with the swimming competition. Behold, he was enthralled to the extent that he desired to start swimming at the swim center and return to watch all remaining swim meets.

14. And it came to pass that later that evening, the Hubble desired to attend the school of Temple's production of the play by the name of West Side Story. And behold, the Hubble did not desire to buy a ticket. Thus it came to pass that the Hubble work ed as an usher.

15. And behold, the Hubble did find much pleasure in the play. Yea, evensomuch that he did find himself very hyper. Yea, hyper to the extent that he did desire to form a band to enter the Battle of the Bands contest.

16. Yea, it came to pass that he did approach Brandon Whittle with the idea. (And behold, the Whittle was playing bass for West Side Story.) And, yea, the Whittle rejoiced in the brilliance of it. And he did relish the oportunity to perform "Istanbul" and other songs.

17. And it came to pass that the band now had a rhythm section, but, alas, lacked any instruments to carry the melody. Thus, the search was begun to find the missing melodic musician. And behold the search was quick, and after tracing down a few leads, the Grimmett by the name of Megan was disvovered to be an excellent violin player. (Yea, she was also in the play.) Yea, even one capable of playing the melody on Istanbul. And there was much rejoicing throughout the land, for the instrumentation

of the great band was complete.

18. And behold, high visions were set for this, the greatest of all bands to inhabit the earth. But soon it's fault was found: the band lacked a singer. A new search was set out, and soon the voice was found: A Burrows by the name of Justin. Yea, the Burrows voice was obnoxiously quirky, and thus would be perfect.

19. And it came to pass that a great deal of preparation went into the band. Yea, hours were spent discussing favorite music, and debating names. (And behold, the name was eventually proclaimed to be S.C.U.D.S. And behold, nobody in the land (includin g the people who thought it up) knew what it stood for.)

20. And behold, the day of the Battle soon approached. And it came to pass that the S.C.U.D.S. were well prepared in all areas save one - music. Yea, the band had failed to practice. So behold, the band scheduled a practice. And behold, the Whittle w as unable to attend due to his involvement in another band. Thus it came to pass that Justin would play his trumpet, and the Sutton by the name of Nathan would join to play the trombone.

21. And it came to pass that nobody desired to spend a great deal of time trying to learn music by ear (save the drummer by the name of Hubble, for drummers always ad-lib anyway.) And it came to pass that the band had located music for a song by the nam e of San Antonio Rose. And they did find much pleasure in the song. Even so much that they did opt to play it for the Battle.

22. Yea, the day of the Battle came. And it came to pass that the Hubble decided to swim during lunch. Yea, even did he swim a paltry distance of 500 yards and find himself much exhausted. (Yea, the Hubble was an idiot and vowed to start jogging more so that he might not be exhausted. And behold, the Hubble did not realize that his exhaustion was due primarily to poor technique. And it came to pass that the Hubble did start jogging 4 mile a day. And yea, it soon became five, and by the summer grew further until the Hubble's feat fell off.)

23. And it came to pass that the S.C.U.D.S. did perform. And behold, the Hubble did perform a great and mighty drum solo, even a solo so great and mighty to cause a reaction by the red-haired one by the name of Schuchmann. Yea, and the added commedy ro utine by the Hubble went not unnoticed.

24. Behold, the drama teacher, yea, the new teacher by the name of Tolleson, desired that the Hubble try out for the next play, Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. And yea, the Hubble accepted. And behold, the Hubble received a part.

25. And it came to pass that at the time of play rehersals, the Hubble was involved in orchestra rehersal, and the gap in between would provide prime opportunity for swimming.

26. But behold, that is not until the turning of the year.

27. And it came to pass that before the turning of the year, the Hubble had to finish his Eagle. For, behold, if the year passed before his Eagle was complete, the Hubble would have eternal Life.

28. And it came to pass that two weeks before his eighteenth birthday, the Hubble completed his Eagle project. Yea, he did paint a new caboose at the train museum.

29. And it came to pass that the date of his Eagle project did mark the begining of the floods. Yea, rain even like unto that of Noah's time. And it came to pass that the Hubble was to have a very fun job painting.

30. And it came to pass that the Hubble attempted to attract many people to his project. Yea, he did even ask people such as the Guy by the name of Brendan who hadn't been scouts in years to help. Furthermore, he did place the bait of two dozen donuts. Yea, it was the ideal bait for attracting Hattaways by the name of Jared.

31. And behold, even with much pleading, only ten scouts appeared. (Yea, many did see the flood and turn away.) And behold, these ten scouts were adaquete to do the project needed to obtain the Eagle rank.

32. And yea, the Hubble still lacked numerous unrequired merit badges required to obtain his eagle. (Yea, he completed his required ones years ago.) And behold, the Hubble looked through the requirement book and found he had already completed the requi rements to in order of ten merit badges. And it came to pass that he had to pass of but three to obtain the Eagle rank.

33. And it came to pass that he did meet with the Swanson shortly after Christmas. And yea, he did pass off three merit badges and did complete the requirements for Eagle, save the paper work.

34. And behold, it came to pass that on the preceeding the day of his 18th birthday the Hubble did complete his paperwork, and did meet the deadline for becoming an Eagle, and there was much rejoicing in the land.

35. And it came to pass that shortly thereafter the Hubble did sign up for a class known as Lab Management. Yea, in this class, the Hubble did work with Dr. Kuehl and new equipment which did enable him to perform Polymerase Chain Reaction on various DNA fragments of cells.

36. And it came to pass that the Hubble did attend this 'class' at the Santa Fe center, yea, even the hospital that was half a mile away from the High School. And it came to pass that the Hubble did walk to the place.

37. Yea, and the days did wax exceedingly hot, and it came to pass that the Hubble did began to feel sweaty upon returning to the school, yea, even so sweaty that he did not desire to eat lunch with his friends until he had the chance to cool off.

38. And it came to pass that the Hubble was also unable to return to school prior to the start of lunch save he would jog. And behold, the Hubble did not desire to jog for the sweat outbreak would wax exceedingly great.

39. Thus, it came to pass that the Hubble, using great power of thought, did obtain a membership at the Hardin swim center, yea, even the swimming pool adjacent to the pool. Thus the Hubble was able to run back to school, and swim before returning to En glish class. And the Hubble was exceedingly grateful.

39.1. And it came to pass that the Hubble did forget to mention his performance in Our Town that resulted from his performance in Twelfth Night. Yea, even did the Hubble never really try out. Behold, the Hubble was busy playing tennis, yet the Hubble d id still receive a part.

40. And it came to pass that soon the school year did wane to a close, and the Hubble did receive many honors of men. Yea, even did he receive the speech-making honor known as valedictorian.

41. And it came to pass that the Hubble did not desire to be boring as the speechmaker preceeding him. Thus the Hubble did rattle on in a stream-of-consious fashion, a did as lib his speech, much to his pleasure. And the multitudes were well pleased.

42. And it came to pass that after the first week of summer, the Hubble did attend brainstorm competition at Rice. And it came to pass that the team of the Hubble was smoked by a team of Oklahoma. Yea, even the team that would win the championship.

43. And it came to pass that the Hubble did make many other journeys to Houston. Yea, even journeys that would net him more scholarship money. And it came to pass that Jeremy did have much money to attend Texas A&M, yea even more money than he could sp end. Thus, he did save it for his mission.

44. And it came to pass that Hubble did decide to have a relaxing summer. Yea, even so did he devote most of his time to swimming, reading, running, and biking. And the Hubble was well pleased. The Hubble did also join the Guy called Brendan for a gam e of Axis and Allies, and yea, the German's were nearly victorious until the Allie of the Hubble and the Hubble did do something stupid.

45. And it came to pass that the Hubble really needs to finish this epistle before it become a novel.

46. And it came to pass that in the final week of July, yea, even the week containing the celebration known as the olympic, and the events the Hubble had waited four years to view, (Yea, even swimming.) the Hubble did attend the scout encampment.

47. And behold the Hubble did serve on staff. Yea, he did even occupy the position commonly known as 'gofor.' And it came to pass that there were exceedingly few things for the Hubble to do, thus the Hubble did obtain great amounts of rest.

48. And it came to pass that the Hubble did also attend many of the talks, and yea, they were exceedingly great. Yea, but on Sunday, he was a VIP, and thus heard one talk 6 times.

49. And it came to pass that the Hubble did take advantage of the staff privelages, yea, even midnight swims and real food. (For the food of the encampment was exceedingly bad.)

50. And it came to pass that the Hubble did rest exceedingly so that he did obtain a sunburn. Yea, even one on both shoulders, chest, and back, yea, even one that did make sleeping very difficult. And it came to pass that the Hubble did have the Jared hit him very hard, yea, even to make him forget the sunburn. And it came to pass that this did wok.

51. And it came to pass on the final day of the encampment that the staff was dissassembling the arena of talk presentations. And it came to pass that someone did ask for volunteers. And behold, the Gonzales called Pete and the Hubble did volunteer. A nd it came to pass that after they did volunteer, they discovered they were to voyage from Beer Creak to San Antonio to put away chairs. Yea, even to voyage there at the hour known as midnight. And the Hubble's body was not well pleased with the lack of sleep. But, yea, the Hubble did serve.

52. And it came to pass that after the Hubble did return from the encampment he did watch the olympics. Yea, he did watch more TV in 5 days than he had in the previous 2 years. And it came to pass that the Hubble did see the gymnastics and diving final s. And behold, the Hubble was much displeased that he could not view the remainder of swimming, diving, and gymnastics. (But behold, the Hubble did view much water polo.)

53. And it came to pass that on the weekend upon returning, the Hubble did voyage down to San Antonio to serve a mini-mission.

54. Yea, it came to pass that the Hubble did serve in the 8th ward of San Antonio. And behold, he did ride his bicycle much of the time. Yea, even so did he ride many miles in the seaking of apointments and tracting. And it did wax exceedingly hot, an d the Hubble did become exceedingly sweaty.

55. And it came to pass that in the hours the Hubble did spend tracting, save two people allowed them in. And the companion of the Hubble and the Hubble were much displaced. But, yea, the companion did have many referals. And it came to pass that they were much more receptive.

56. And it came to pass that the Hubble did attend many dinner appointments. Yea, even some with part-member families. And the Hubble was exceedingly greatful.

57. And it came to pass that upon returning from his mini-mission the Hubble was exceedingly anxious to ride his bicycle. Yea, even so that he did ride through East Temple upon completing his voyage to the swim center and library.

58. And it came to pass that East Temple did end shortly and the Hubble did voyage further, yea even to the small town called Oscar. And it came to pass that the Hubble did go past Oscar before he became desirous to turn around. And it came to pass tha t shortly thereafter the Hubble did receive a flat.

59. And it came to pass that the Hubble did walk many miles with his bike before he did reach the house of a friend who lived out in the middle of nowhere, and yea, he did call home.

60. And thus ends the 10th day of the 8th month of the 18th year of the reign of the Hubble. Amen.