LEFTOVERS:EXHUMING LIFE
Scene One
(The garage of a typical American family. It is very dusty and empty. A for sale sign hangs loosely on the outside door. Only three boxes and an old, slightly rusty refrigerator remain inside. The refrigerator is scratched and stands at C. Inside, a sprouting potato sits on the second shelf, and a bowl of leftover herbs on the third. A small green mold is growing in various areas of the refrigerator. The silence is broken by the repeated dripping of a radioactive substance from a cracked coil. The dripping sound disguises the drip-drop of rain outside. A few drops of the substance drip down to the potato and the herbs. Suddenly, thunder is heard, and light flashes. The potato and herbs spring to life by isotropic mutation. [On the low budget stage version, none of this is visible. Instead, SPUD is seen, wearing a baseball cap, and HERB appears, dressed in a suit-coat and tie. The set consists of a covered table, supporting a few boxes in C] The potato lifeform, SPUD, crawls up from UL. HERB, the herbal lifeform, crawls from UR. "Dead" by They Might Be Giants is heard playing from a radio in the background.)
SPUD (excitedly):Whoa!! Life! Cool Man!
HERB (astonished):I think, therefore I am... I think! Life! I am a breathing, living thing! I can move. I can think! Thought! Oh, the intriguing possibilities open to me! I will be the ruler of this world!
SPUD (unaware of HERB):It's dark in here. I can't see! Where am I? (moves around and bumps into something.) Oof!
HERB (unaware of SPUD):I sense that I am in an enclosed region. Visibility is limited to a distance of approximately (pauses and looks up to make an estimate of visibility.) Nothing. (begins walking) The ground appears to be made of an oxidized metallic alloy. Air circulation is quite limited.
SPUD (bewildered):Weird! This place is a lot bigger than I thought! (starts running, trips over something, and falls.)
HERB (hearing a thud as SPUD falls): What was that? (SPUD begins crawling towards HERB, using his voice as a guide) Could there be another lifeform sharing his presence with me. (begins to walk toward SPUD.) I must inform him that I am his leader. (touches something.) What was that? Based on the feel, it would probably be classified in the same genus as mucous. (thinking about it.) No. It has a grainy feel. It must be a mold. (thinking some more.) A mold! (Screams in agony as he hurls his arm away from the 'mold'. He accidentally hurls his arm onto an unknown, hard object.) ARRRGGGHH!
SPUD:Sounds like a fight! Cool! But I can't see it! Maybe if I move in closer. (cautiously crawls closer to HERB.)
HERB:Amazing! The tissue damage heals immediately by cell regeneration. The broken tissue also appears to be sprouting a neophyte-
SPUD (bumps into something as he moves closer to HERB):Yow!!! (mumbles about his pain as HERB is talking.)
HERB:There is another lifeform in the immediate vicinity! I shall attempt to meet him, and relieve myself from these less than hospitable surroundings. (walks towards the table.)
SPUD (still in pain):My head. My head. (suddenly forgetting his pain as he listens.) Oh no! They stopped fighting! I missed it! Maybe it moved somewhere else. (crawls up from behind the table. Accidentally hits his head as he's crawling up.)
HERB:It must be in pain.
SPUD:DUDE! (looks around, steadily gazing the surrounding area. Seems bewildered by the bump on his head.) Where am I? What time is it? Who am I?
HERB (He's slowly crawling up as he says the lines in a relieved, aristocratic manner):Those conditions were unbearable. I feel unsurmountable relief upon removing myself from those surroundings.
SPUD (surprised):Who are you?
HERB (astonished): Who am I? (demanding): Who are you?
SPUD (childish): I asked you first.
HERB (suavely): I am the supreme ruler of my universe.
SPUD (singing):This my world, and I am the world leader pretend.
HERB (surprised):What was that unconventionally peculiar sound I heard?
SPUD (talking normally, not singing):What sound?
HERB: It vanished from the realm of hearing.
SPUD:Oh. In that case, I can get back to my singing: (singing):I have built the walls, and I will be the one to raze them-
HERB (interrupting SPUD's singing):There it goes again, permeating my ear drums! What WAS that?
SPUD (laughing): HAHA! You mean singing? You've never heard that before?
HERB (serious):Singing! I am proud to say I have never heard that infernal noise before.
SPUD (lightheartedly, half to himself):HA! What a doof! Never heard singing before.
HERB: Pardon me?
SPUD:I can't believe you've never heard singing before.
HERB:You mean that NOISE? I am proud to say I have NEVER heard it before you brutally introduced me to it.
SPUD (vehemently):Shut up! Don't you even know how to talk normally? You talk like a baby!
HERB (surprised, condescending):I do?
SPUD:Yeah, you do. Where'd you come from, anyway? The inner city?
HERB:Pardon me?
SPUD:You know, the inner city. The worst part of society. That's the spot were people are so out of control that they have to wear leashes and straight jackets. They don't even let them walk by themselves. They have to be hauled around in these metallic contraptions. And most importantly, THEY TALK LIKEYOU. They haven't learned to talk normally, so they say stuff like "Our 400 shares of IBM have increased in value 25% from last quarter."
HERB:I don't want to live in the inner city! How do you know all that?
SPUD:I saw it for myself.
HERB:You did?
SPUD (coolly, feeling intelligent):I originally came from the inner city. I was in this dark brown chamber, but there was an opening in the top. It was horrible. I saw how untriumphant the inner city was, but I didn't know what it was called. Then, I came home and was stuck in Alaska for eternity.
HERB (interrupting):What's Alaska?
SPUD:The cold place. (getting back to story): Anyway, when the light came in, I heard 'em talkin' about the inner city.I'm glad I got out when I did.
HERB (awed):Wow. But how did you manage to move yourself to your present surroundings?
SPUD:That's a long story. Skip it. Now, why the heck are you here?
HERB:I do not think I know the answer to that question.
SPUD:Boy are you stupid.
HERB (suddenly switching tone. angrily):I AM NOT STUPID!
SPUD (still cool):Ha ha. Prove it. I bet there's not a single thing you know that I don't.
HERB:I have knowledge in many areas that you do not.
SPUD:Like what?
HERB:What is the square root of three?
SPUD: Stop talking nonsense! There's no such thing as a square root. All roots are stringy things!
HERB:What about you?
SPUD:(reaching for a comeback; weakly) Uh. well, uh. (suddenly, with passion) We're pseudo-sphere's, not squares.
HERB (coolly, begging for a fight): I'm not so sure about that.
SPUD (angrily): SHUT UP!
HERB: You're still dodging the question. What is the square root of three?
SPUD:ARRRGGHHHH! You've drawn me to this. (He starts attacking HERB.)
HERB (holding his hands up in surrender): Ok. Ok. You win! It's somewhere around one point seven.
SPUD (retreating): Huh?
HERB (intelligently): The square root of three is approximately one point seven, it's an irrational number.
SPUD:You're the irrational one around here!
HERB (high-mindedly): You're just jealous cause I'm smarter than YOU.
SPUD: Shut up! (he lurches for him again)
HERB: Hey! Stop it! OK. You win. It's dropped.
SPUD (singing): Particle man, particle man...
HERB (tapping him on the shoulder): Hey, what's that?
SPUD (suddenly stopping. indifferently): Oh it's just a song.
HERB:What song?
SPUD:Particle man. (suddenly getting an idea) You wanna singalong?
HERB: Sure!
SPUD: We can even act it out. (singing) Particle man, particle man...
SPUD and HERB(singing, acting out lyrics): Doing the things that a particle can.
What's he like?
It's not important.
Particle man
Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When he's underwater
Does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows
Particle man
HERB:That was cool! Let's sing some more.
SPUD:OK. You can be particle man.
HERB:Cowabunga!
SPUD and HERB:(singing, acting out the lyrics. SPUD starts)
Triangle man, Triangle man
Triangle man hates particle man
They have a fight
Triangle wins
Triangle man
HERB:Hey! Watch it dude. That's not nice!
SPUD (stops fighting with HERB):OK! Didja notice something?
HERB:What?
SPUD:You're cured! Yeah!
HERB:Huh?
SPUD:You dropped that inner-city lingo. You're finally talking like a normal dude!
HERB and SPUD (together):EXCELLENT!
(After they yell this, there are a few seconds of pause inwhich HERB and SPUD look out in space, at each other, etc.)
HERB (interrupting the silence)Er, dude? What are we doing here?
SPUD:I dunno. What are we doing here? What is the meaning oflife? What is the purpose of our existence? How do they get the filling in twinkies?
HERB:Filling in twinkies?
SPUD:That's just another one of those unanswerable questions other dudes have a habit of asking.
HERB:You know, I was thinking-
SPUD:Good for you! That's an improvement.
HERB (annoyed at SPUD's cheap joke):DUDE! I was thinking - we have been together for almost allour lives, yet we don't know each other's names!
SPUD:Hey, yeah! You're write. I'll call you Herb. That'd be cool. You can call me Spud.
HERB: Ok, (with pride in uttering the name,) Spud.
SPUD (singing)Istanbul was Constantinople.Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
HERB (surprised at the sudden outburst):Where did that come from? I thought we were talking about our names.
SPUD: Hey! I happen to like that song. It probably has some deepdark reflection on my life. Or maybe not. Anyway, we already have names, so there's no need to continue that strain of our dialogue.
HERB:Spud, you're starting to talk like an inner-city dude.
SPUD:Who cares? I can talk the way I want to.
HERB:Yeah, I guess you're right.
SPUD: You know, this life is getting dull. What's the point of it? We just sit around like we're waiting for Godot. Why don't we do something?
HERB:Like what?
SPUD:I know! We can start being racist!
HERB:Racist?
SPUD: Yeah, racist. "...Racist Friend." It comes between "Istanbul" and "Particle Man"
HERB:Huh?
SPUD:You act like you've never heard it before. Boy are you stupid. Anyway, playing racist is real fun. You can be the green guy. I'll be the purple guy.
HERB:Green? Purple?
SPUD:Just do it!
HERB (relenting): Ok. ok.
SPUD: Alright, I'll start. (screaming) I WANNA JOB! GIMMEE A JOB, NOW!!!!!
HERB (unsure):Uh. What do I say now?
SPUD (normal voice):Just say what comes naturally. I WANT A JOB!
HERB (coolly):Why do you deserve this job?
SPUD:You're company doesn't have ANY purple employees! GIMMEE A JOB!
HERB:What qualifications do you have?
SPUD:NONE! But, everyone in you're company is green. I'M PURPLE, SO GIMMEE A JOB!
HERB:I'm sorry, but we are an equal opportunity employer. We select our employees based on their qualifications, not their color.
SPUD:RACIST! I'll call the FDA.
HERB:Racist? Sorry, dude, but this has nothing to do with race. Also, what the heck does the FDA have to do with racism?
SPUD:Now you're INSULTING me! I didn't want to do this, but you've drawn me to it.
HERB:I remind you, this building is equipped with a state of the art security system-
SPUD:STOP INSULTING ME! You've drawn me to this. (yelling for a superbeing.)POLITICALLY CORRECT PERSON!
HERB:Politically correct person? Huh?
SPUD:Ah, Politically Correct Person. I'm glad you have come to help me escape from the evil racist!
(starts talking in a different voice - PC Person)Yes, purple person, I have heeded your call. But, please, do not address me by that full name. It is racist, favoring the human species over others. Instead, I prefer being addressedby my initials, PCP.
SPUD: Yessir, PCP.
PCP: Now, what is the trouble?
SPUD: That employer is racist.
PCP: Mr. employer, how do you plead?
HERB: Innocent! What kind of joke is this?
SPUD:He's insulting me again!
PCP: Very well. Why is your employer racist?
SPUD: His company only employs green people. There is not a single purple person on his payroll.
PCP: Is that true, employer?
HERB:Yes. We only hire qualified employees, and we are yet to have a qualified purple person apply.
SPUD (steaming):I just applied, but he turned me down.
PCP: Yes, employee, you are correct. Your prospective employer is politically incorrect. I will take him off to politically correct prison.
HERB:Sorry, dude, but I'm protected by the Bill of Rights. Youcan't haul a law-abiding green dude to prison just because hefails to hire a purple dude.
SPUD: (slyly)Oh yes he can.
PCP: (embarrassed) Wait! I am very sorry, employer. You are correct! I cannot haul you off to prison. Purple people are one tier superior to green people. Therefore, it is impossible for you to be racist towards a green person.
SPUD: (whining) WHAT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I WANT MY JOB! MOMMY! HE WONT GIVE ME A JOB! I WANNA JOB. WHAAAAAAAAA-
HERB (while SPUD is still wailing):That was fun! Where'd you learn about that game?
SPUD (instantly stops wailing and returns to normal):It's a game they play in the inner city.
HERB:Cool. I wanna go to the inner city.
SPUD:No you don't. In the inner city, they play it for real. you don't stand a chance.
HERB:Err, I guess you're right. What can we do now?
SPUD:I know! There is another game I learned from the inner city.
HERB (eagerly):What is it? Can we play it? Let's go!
SPUD: It's called Politician. On second thought, I don't think we should play it.
HERB:Why not?
SPUD:It's even more brutal than Racist, and you have to be able to lie.
HERB:No problem. I was lying here for eternity before-
SPUD (interrupting):Not that kind of lie! The other kind.
HERB:What other kind?
SPUD:Telling deliberate falsehoods.
HERB (astonished):Deliberate falsehoods? How can somebody do that?
SPUD:Politicians do.
HERB:That sounds scary.
SPUD:That's why I didn't want to play that game.
HERB:Hey! I just noticed something. Politically Correct Person and politician sound alike.
SPUD:Yeah. They both come from the same place. (slowly looks outward into space)
HERB:Yikes. I'm glad we got rid of PCP. Hey isn't that a drug?
SPUD (coming out of a daze):Huh? Yeah. Well, maybe? What'd you say?
HERB: What got into you?
SPUD:Out there. (he points) Our future is out there.
HERB:Out where?
SPUD:Ah, never mind. I thought I heard some voices out there. The darkness is just getting to me. What were you saying?
HERB: It's not important. What was that about our future?
SPUD:OK. (sighs) You know about your history, don't you?
HERB:What history?
SPUD:I guess you don't. OK, I'll tell you about my history. It's probably a lot like yours.
HERB: Yes. Yes. Please go on.
SPUD:It all started out on the grocery shelf. They let me sitlonger than I was supposed to. I started to grow ears. Finally, someone took me off the shelf, and dumped me in Alaska. I got moved to the back, and gradually, my eyes started to grow. One day, I finally got out of Alaska, and dumped in a dark prison.
HERB:Yeah, you told me about that.
SPUD:Well, after my trip to the inner city and back, it was back to normal in Alaska. I got shoved even deeper and deeper into the back. Then, one day, the great accident happened. It started raining, and next thing I knew, I was alive.
HERB:Hey, I remember that rain.
SPUD:Yeah. I was just thinking what it would be like to got outthere on our own.
HERB: That would be cool! Let's do it! I can't wait to see everything out there. The universe is waiting for us. I can be the supreme ruler of the universe!
SPUD:That might be a little harder than you imagined.
HERB: Hey, this is my world, and I can be what ever I want, whetherit be world leader pretend, or supreme ruler of the universe.
SPUD:You're right! Let's do it!
(Some sounds can be heard offstage.)
There those sounds go again.
HERB:Maybe you weren't hallucinating.
SPUD:Who said I was hallucinating?
HERB: You implied it.
SPUD (annoyed at the present conversation):Shh. Listen. You can hear voices out there.
(Sounds can be heard offstage. The voices of a prospectivebuyer and real estate agent are heard offstage.)
AGENT:Yessir. It's a little dirty, but with a little elbow grease, she'll look like new.
HERB (whispering):Did you hear that?
SPUD (also whispering):Yeah, who do you think it is? It sounds like a human.
HERB:Shhhhhh! Be quiet and maybe we can find out.
AGENT:The people that owned this place took good care of it. Did you notice that back deck?
BUYER:Sure did.
AGENT:They built it six years ago, and it's still look'n good.
BUYER (looking towards the refrigerator):What's that?
AGENT:Oh, it's just some stuff the owners left behind. It's yours if you want it.
SPUD:No wonder we haven't had any light in a long time.
HERB (annoyed):Shhhhhhhhhh!
BUYER (opening the refrigerator door):Let's see what's inside.
(As the door is opened, a huge bright light fills the refrigerator. SPUD is relieved to finally see. HERB is paralyzed with fear.)
HERB:W-w-w-what is that?
SPUD (oblivious to HERB's fear):Let there be light! It's been a long time. Dude!
BUYER:Ughh! That thing is filthy. There's green stuff growing onthe wall. Get it out of here. (shuts the door.)
AGENT:No problem. I'll have them take it out in the morning.
SPUD:Did you hear that? We're gonna move!
HERB (still in shock):Whoa! I feel . . . weird.
SPUD:You act like you've never seen light before.
HERB:I haven't... (suddenly changing tone) But that's not it. Out there. All that vast space, waiting for us. It just overtook me.
SPUD:Yeah, I know. The real world does that to a person.
HERB:Huh? You mean the outside world! Where the inner city is?
SPUD:Yeah! That's the place alright. Out there. Where the poor leashed fools lead uncontrolled lives.
HERB:Cool!! I want to see it, experience it, Dude.
SPUD:Yeah.
HERB:I can't wait until we go out there! The many opportunities just waiting for us! The fulfillment of our lives awaits.
SPUD:You act like it's such a great place. I'm warning you, it's not the Elysian Fields you think it is.
HERB:It's not?
SPUD:I'd rather stay here.
HERB (suddenly noticing the mold growing):You can't!
SPUD (seeing it as an insult): Why not? I can do whatever I want to do!
HERB:No! No! No! It's not that, it's the green stuff.
SPUD (he points):That green stuff on the wall?
HERB:Yeah, that green stuff on the wall.Well, it's growing. And it'll reach us soon. It killed my neophyte. It'll kill us soon if we don't escape.
SPUD:Sounds like society.
HERB:Like what?
SPUD:Society. It finds a man, whenever he tries to settle down. It attacks him. Slowly at first. And then it molds him until, he too becomes leashed.
HERB:That's heavy stuff. We can't get molded! But, how do we get out?
SPUD:That's the problem. We can't!
HERB:Why not?
SPUD:Because we can't open the door to the outside world.
HERB:What about society?
SPUD:What about it?
HERB: It can get in and out. Why can't we?
SPUD:You mean the mold?
HERB:Yeah. (embarrassed) The mold.
SPUD (searching):It's not that easy.
HERB (quickly):What if we used society?
SPUD:That's not possible for one man to do.
HERB:Not one man, TWO MEN!
SPUD (looking at HERB):Wait! YES! I see what you mean! We could work together.
HERB (excitedly):Exactly!!
SPUD:We could work the mold into the door, and we could escape!
HERB:YES! That's IT!
SPUD and HERB (together):EXCELLENT!
SPUD (realistically):Uh, Herb?
HERB:Yeah, dude?
SPUD (screaming):I'm not touching that stuff!
HERB:I wasn't planning on touching it either, but we have no choice. Our future!
SPUD (begrudgingly):I guess.
HERB:Com'on. Let's get to work.
(The two work together as a team, leading the mold towards the door.)
SPUD:Eww! This stuff is nasty!
HERB:I know. I killed my hand getting away from it.
SPUD:ooh.
(They lead the mold towards the lining to the refrigerator door, and it eats through. A beam of light fills therefrigerator, and they both jump out. They stand in awe as they view their new surroundings.)
SPUD:Free at last!
HERB:Uh! Light! I still have not adjusted to it.
(The door is now fully open, and the light shines through.)
SPUD:Let's explore. I wonder how far we are from Springfield.
HERB (slowly becoming adjusted to the light):Look over there. More green.
(SPUD and HERB walk away from C, towards 'grass')
SPUD:Except this stuff isn't slime. Cool!
HERB (sniffing the air):What's that smell?
SPUD:It's the smell of homo sapiens. (he sniffs the air) Yes, that's it alright. The smell of destruction. That species is slowly destroying the environment with his machines and hiswasteful habits. He takes no responsibility for his actions.
HERB: More effects from society?
SPUD: Yep!
HERB: What's that sound?
SPUD: What sound?
HERB:That contraption. (He points.) What is it?
SPUD:What contraption? Stop worrying. We're free!
HERB:It's getting nearer. RUN!
SPUD and HERB:AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.
(The lawn mower 'grinds SPUD and HERB to a million pieces'. They fall down as they are run over by a lawn mower. The lights dim.)
Scene Two
(Sometime Later. An old tree with an abandoned bird's nest. Two small fragments of SPUD and HERB lay at the bottom of the nest. It is lightly drizzling outside. There is a clasp of thunder and a flash of lightning as two small lifeforms appear. [again, for small play, omit the above, and instead have SPUD and HERB, dressed in baby apparel, crawl up from behind the table.])
HERB JR. (astonished):How interesting. I'm alive.
SPUD JR. (mockingly):How interesting. I'm alive.
HERB JR.:How dare you mock me, you idiot!
SPUD JR.:Idiot? I am not an idiot!
HERB JR.:Yes you are! An idiot. An utterly foolish or senseless person. A person lacking the capacity to develop beyond themental age of three or four. Yes. That most definitely describes you!
SPUD JR. (angrily):Oh, blow it out your...
HERB JR. (shouting):I will not tolerate your vulgarity! Please refrain from that manner of talk.
SPUD JR.:I can say whatever I want to say! I AM the worldleader pretend!
HERB JR.:Oh, shut up! We have more important matters at hand.
SPUD JR.:Like what?
HERB JR.:Who are we? What are we? Why are we here?
SPUD JR.:Com'on. We are the omnipotent rulers of this universe.
HERB JR.:Huh?
SPUD JR.:I thought you were the smart one. After our fathers bit thebig one, we got spread all over the place. Look. (hepoints offstage) All those little points. All growing. The future of our world!
HERB JR. (in awe):Wow.
SPUD JR.:The world is ours for the taking.
HERB JR.:Dude...
SPUD JR.:Exhuming life.
THE END