do you have any change?

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dateline: oZpartment

18 august 1996 5:12 p.m.

Why didn't anyone tell me that there was a new web search engine out there? I had to find out in a print magazine -- gasp! -- of all places (okay, Wired, so sue me). I love playing with these things. AltaVista is my favorite. Of course I try feed my ego by searching for myself (getting three hits -- oh boy!). But sometimes I can waste hours just picking random phrases like "disposable speculum" or finding taxidermists with web pages, just to bask in the sometimes sheer absurdity of the web. "HotBot" runs off the Inktomi setup, which I always liked and am glad to hear has finally been bought by someone. It's inspiring any time something hammered out in acadamia actually makes it commercially. Jen's managed to collect a gaggle of folks who are willing to be seen with me in public, and we're going to go out tonight for the Real Birthday Fun. First, food. Then, anywhere noisy with alcohol available. Cheap stuff, preferrably, with domestics being a last resort. Then again, with Derek in attendance, I might want to watch myself. Turns out Nate still works today (that bastard), so things won't start happening until 9 p.m. tonight. I'm predicting in advance I won't experience much of my Monday. I better not have to sort through any sharp objects tomorrow. I woke up too early today, and I don't know why. My eyes just opened. I didn't feel tired, I wasn't groggy, my eyes weren't red... My body clock read noon, but my trusty Westclock said 8:13 a.m. So, I wasted six hours on the computer. Those University of Pittsburg folks who are looking to diagnose internet addicts might want to send a team out here. For lunch I walked to Jack in the Box -- another brilliant blue summer day with higher-than-normal surf off Waikiki -- and shuffled straight back to digest my sourdough burger over this keyboard. I'm a sick, sick puppy. But a productive and triumphant sick puppy. Jay, who sporadically sends me e-mail begging me to rub his butt, bestowed upon me my first ever web award, so I had to build a place to display it. His butt, by the way, looks like this: ( | ) I figured out two (that's right, two!) web clocks, both of which now appear on my main diary page. The first one I had tried before, and finally figured out (Javascript, what fun!). The other I shamelessly stole -- it works because my page just calls it from an unsuspecting server. I wandered the web, finding pages for Blowfish, Rollerblade, HotBot and BMG Music. There was a commercial just on for a toothbrush, and it had a web site too. God bless America! Oh, for the love of... I'm watching a segment on CNN now, some sort of international tournament for the card game "Magic: The Gathering." Replete with opening ceremonies, flags, souvenir booths, hushed commentators and big-bucks trades. Envision, if you will, the most extreme stereotype of what dorks into this stuff look like. You've just successfully channeled the image on my television screen. Omigod, a fuzzy velvet wizard's hat! I want one!