i now pronounce you wife and wife.

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last seen: throwing out a turkey

4 december 1996 11:07 p.m.

Sometimes, when I'm walking to Campus Center for lunch, I hear Berlioz's "March to the Scaffold" in my head. That is to say, it would be hard to tell from my mood whether I was climbing the steps to chicken strips or a guillotine. Today, I heard Prince. Not even Prince, in fact, but karaoke Prince. Badly, badly done Prince. Now, students' appetites are rarely at their peak when it comes to Marriott fare. Yet, I find it ironic that someone never fails to invest a huge amount of effort to turn our stomachs en route. Sure, someone should get some credit for trying to have "live entertainment" on campus several days out of the week, but with the kind of... talent they've invariably drawn in, I'd rather walk past another monstrous -- and silent -- piece of public art. Mimes, maybe. I could handle mimes. It doesn't matter if they can't carry a tune. My slipshod work with tin foil proved no match for the arctic conditions in my fridge. "Clyde," my Thanksgiving turkey, shriveled considerably during its short residency on the bottom shelf. It looked horrid, but being a thrifty college student, I tempted death and grabbed a cut. It was like biting into four slightly wet sticks of chalk simultaneously. When I went down to throw it out, the dumpster was housing more than a few other curiously shaped objects wrapped in aluminum foil. My macaroni salad (extra tuna, peas and no celery) is in a genuine Tupperware coffin -- stolen from mother dearest -- but I'm having doubts about its safety as well. Looks like it'll be back to "Lunch Buckets" and soda crackers sooner than I thought. I did, by the way, track down a tape of the elusive X Files episode, and enjoyed it immensely. The second half wasn't quite as intense as the first, but David Duchovney looked absolutely delicious in it. In the opening credits, they replaced the usual "the truth is out there" with another message. I imagine it was the same slogan, but in some obscure language. Though I don't know what it was, I was thinking next season they should try Hawaiian. "He `oia`io i laila." I think. Was Hawai`i on your front page today? (More likely than not, you heard the phrase "Hawaiian Judge," which is insane -- Clearly the Honorable Kevin Chang is Chinese...) A judge found in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage yesterday. Although the issuing of marriage licenses was put on hold today, it's only a matter of time. The appeal is going to the same state supreme court that ruled against sexual-orientation discrimination in marriages in the first place. Now, a while back, I correctly predicted the court's call. Not that it was a daring wager -- most people in their right minds, be they either for or against same-sex marriage, knew from the start the state's case was ludicrous. The elation I felt was shortlived, however. The news came down when I was at work, and it came from someone who was less than happy about it. The remainder of my evening was spent debating the brains out of the conservative skulls that sadly constitute the majority of my colleagues.