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dateline: oZbooth

5 november 1996 6:13 p.m.

Someone up there sure doesn't want us rockbugs to vote. It is seriously pouring outside. Foot-deep puddles, roaring rain, flash-flood watch and all. I don't know about anyone else, but I was sure reconsidering performing my civic duty today. Not like it matters -- for the big races anyway. I mean, by the time polls close in Kansas, they already know who the next president is. Hell, people here are still voting, and the geniuses at "FOX News" already have Hawai`i on their sexy 3-D map as backing Clinton. "Projected Winner." What's the deal with that? What's the use of voting if you can turn on the T.V. and find out there's no point? It's especially frustrating for Hawai`i (and Alaska, I imagine). Last time it was practically over before most of us pulled ourselves out of bed. I voted though. I got soaked, but I voted. (Or is that redundant?) You know, it was fascinating to see how hard the networks tried to make the same news seem different and interesting. Each had the same huge maps using the same shades of red and blue, with essentially identical anchors trying to fill the time with useless trivia. I was watching CNN for a while, actually, but even I've been brainwashed into preferring the Nintendo-style of newscasting. CNN's coverage was sound, but their info-graphics weren't blinky and zippy enough. Although the "CyberSet" over on CBS was insanely stupid, this year the prize for Most Ridiculous Election Day Set has got to go to ABC. I swear, it looked like NASA's Mission Control -- five hundred computer terminals, wall-sized screens everywhere and randomly placed podiums with shiny steel railings from which assorted fruits and nuts (a.k.a. "political analysts") delivered their take on the latest returns. It was too weird for words. En route to interview a gal whose job it was to update their web page and read e-mail, Peter Jennings nearly got beheaded by a camera crane. Local news is even worse. At the moment I'm still flipping through one "exclusive live report" after another, coming in from dimly-lit campaign headquarters all around town. Over and over again, the same dumb questions ("Do you think you'll win?") and the same dumb responses ("We hope so, but it's too early to tell"). At least the practice has afforded some entertainment. While Morgado was being interviewed by KITV, the big-screen TV in the background was filled with the head of KHON's Joe Moore. Finally, someone got smart and scrambled over to switch the channel to the report being broadcast from the same room... and the team was rewarded with a huge blast of feedback. You know, these guys get so desperate to fill the huge gaps between printouts, they actually do segments on the food served by each candidate. ("Oooh, Arakawa's cool... he's serving sashimi!") And if I hear one more reporter ask the question, "Gee, you suppose the rain is affecting your campaign?" I'm going to scream. What, do they think it's only raining on Republicans? I guess I should put my punches up for public ridicule before I close. First, though, let me say that I am quite confident that I didn't back any winners. U.S. President Ralph Nader U.S. Senate Neil Abercrombie Mayor Arnold Morgado City Prosecutor Peter Carlisle Now, I voted for Nader 'cause he wasn't Clinton, and he definitely and thankfully wasn't Dole. Since I threw my vote away on Perot in my first election, I figured I'd waste my vote on someone else this time. Abercrombie, a man who's a few decades overdue in giving up the hippie look, is probably the only person I voted for who'll win tonight. I picked him for the same reason I think he's going to win -- his opponent's name is Swindle. I'm predicting right now that Morgado will be thoroughly steamrolled. He's pretty pathetic, but -- like Nader -- he got my vote because of who he wasn't. I swear, knowing that Jeremy Harris is going to be mayor for four more years makes me want to become a citizen of Nauru. And in the prosecutor's race, I was flip-flopping all the way into the voting booth. Though David Arakawa's got the local-boy charm (I swear, the man can switch from speaking King's English to pidgin in a blink), I punched for Carlisle because, in the end, he's simply smarter, sharper and tougher. We'll just have to wait and see if the guy can overcome the "Haole Factor."