Advice

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Be intollerant only of intollerance, kill only killers, impead only destruction.
"Insurance is an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table." - Ambrose Bierce
Be Happy:

Laugh regularly, its like jogging on the inside.

Have fun

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Don't use any punctuation marks.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order! is "to go."
Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard <yourname>.
When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Get Excited:

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.

Be Greatfull

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Be Generous:

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.

Be persistant

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Don't Lie:

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Sincerity is the key; once you can fake that, you've got it made!

Don't worry

..., it only seems kinky the first time.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Be carefull

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.

Be patient:

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
"Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it." -- Marshall McLuhan

Be quite:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It is far better to remain silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

Be Humble

Most 12 step program require that one admit that you are powerless over the problem and that only "a power greater than me/you" can help. Some non-religious people have a very hard time with this. But notice, if you are one person, is it not true that two or 5 or 100 other people are "a power greater than you?" Can your god not be the rest of humanity? What about forces of nature? Are you more powerfull than that? Accepting this fact has helped many good people gain the perspective required to live.

Love yourself:

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone else is doing that for you and spending time on it is just distracting you from improveing yourself.

Get better

Bad habits cause 99% of all human misery. Be devoted to improving yours.
Start with the man in the mirror
Lead by example

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart
To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me....You brought another friend.... And then there were 3.... We started our group.... Our circle of friends.... And like that circle.... There is no beginning or end....
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

...to young men

For every beautiful woman, no matter how attractive she is, there is a man who is tired of putting up with her shit.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not, because actually, she is.
Shut up. Just look at her and smile. Rub her feet.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Stockings have to be hung up somewhere... don't bitch untill you've built her a cabinet for them.
Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while hungry.
The wife lasts as long as the marriage. The ex-wife lasts forever!
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Before getting married:

Do a credit check and look for a police record. Have her checked for STD's. Talk to her ex-husband, girl friends, and parents... sorry, but just do it.
Have at least one really big fight to make sure she is capable of forgiving.
Ask yourself which is more important to YOU: Who she fucks or who's house she cleans? see http://tuxedo.org/~esr/writings/promiscuity.html
Make sure she's good in bed. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Meet her family; you aren't just marrying her.
Talk about kids. Make sure she has a mother, sister, etc.. to turn to for help after the birth.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

...to young women

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to a man with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends and puppies are for.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. The genie does not like to go back in the bottle without granting a wish.
Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.... unless you are really good at faking it. In any case, casually trashing a guy in public by saying that you fake it with him suspends all rules in the "gallentry" column.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Ogleing is genetic and necessary to the survival of the species. See: http://tuxedo.org/~esr/writings/promiscuity.html
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Before getting married:

Do a credit check and look for a police record. Have him checked for STD's. Talk to his boss, ex-wife, mom and dad... sorry, but just do it.
Have at least one really big fight to make sure doesn't do anything un-forgivable.
If you don't have sex, at least make damn sure of what he expects. Yes, no matter what he says, it IS that important.
Talk about kids. Take him to meet some. Watch him.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = brief romance
Smart man + dumb woman = wild affair
Dumb man + smart woman = happy marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = big happy family

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

...about cats

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Yes, all the worderful things a cat does can be explained by simple behavioural science; that does not change the fact that my cat loves me.

...for engineers

Another way to look at things

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely. The farmer Peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every Shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well! and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, But to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

· Free your heart from hatred.

· Free your mind from worries.

· Live simply.

· Give more.

· Expect less.

Also, the donkey kicked the shit out of the guy that tried to bury him. Which brings me to another moral for this story: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

Quotes

Failure

Mark Twain

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. "

Nathaniel Lee on being consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th c.

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me."

John Stuart Mill, _On Liberty_

"The liberty of the individual must be thus far limited; he must not make a nuisance of himself to other people." -

Richard Stallman

"...People find ways of getting money by impeding society. Once they can impede society, they can be paid to leave people alone. "

Thomas Szasz

"...the neurotic has problems, the psychotic has solutions."

Alexis de Tocqueville

" What is the most important for democracy is not that great fortunes should not exist, but that great fortunes should not remain in the same hands."

Italo Calvino

"The satirist is prevented by repulsion from gaining a better knowledge of the world he is attracted to, yet he is forced by attraction to concern himself with the world that repels him."

Arnold Edinborough

"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."

Chistopher Morley, "The Haunted Bookshop"

"Printer's ink has been running a race against gunpowder these many, many years. Ink is handicapped, in a way, because you can blow up a man with gunpowder in half a second, while it may take twenty years to blow him up with a book. But the gunpowder destroys itself along with its victim, while a book can keep on exploding for centuries." --

James Madison, April 20, 1795

"Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes. And armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended. Its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war...and in the degeneracy of manners and morals, engendered by both.

No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare."

???

"War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left."

Doctor Who, Face of Evil

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering."

William James

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

Spencer Ante

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."

Winston Churchill

"...democracy is a terrible form of government, but eight times better than any other."

James Newton

"Democracy is the only form of government. All the others are a democracy where the people have decided to allow someone else to make the decisions." see: http://tuxedo.org/~esr/writings/anarchist.html

Jim Newton (James Newtons father)

"Sincerity is the key; once you can fake that, you've got it made!"

Ashleigh Brilliant

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. --"

Edward Abbey

"Sentiment without action is the anathama of the soul" --

Michael J. Fromberger

"Get your mind out of the gutter---you're blocking my periscope!"

Linus Torvalds

"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had."

"Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it."

Clark.

"Any technology, sufficiently advanced, is indistinguishable from magic"

Asimov

"Any sufficiently advanced techmology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo"

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly goes wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

Bruce Hawick

Get all the techs with vibrating pagers in the conference room, prop one end of the table up, place the pagers on the elevated end, and have everyone call themselves at the same time. Voila - Pager races! --

Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards)

"GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible to accomplish complex actions."

Jonathan H N Chin

"UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully."

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are.

Mark Twain

"Get the facts first, you can distort them later"

"It is far better to remain silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"

"The problem with people who have no vices is that you can be sure they're going to have some damned annoying virtues. Few things are harder to put up with, than the annoyance of a good example. "

Eleanor Roosevelt

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

John Barrow

If a `religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Godel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one.

The Dalai Lama said, "The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open."

Lazarus Long

"You live and learn. Or you don't live long"

"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once"

"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark"

"Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage."

"Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things."

Anthony DeBoer

"You'd have difficulty screwing in a lamp too. Try doing it in a bed instead."

unknown "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." Virginia Wolf

· It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.

· A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

· The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

· The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.

· "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick, "How to Build a Universe"

· Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

· How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

· "A picture is worth a thousand words, but takes the same disk space as a million words..."

· Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line.

· Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

· 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton.

· Two things you don't want to see made -- sausage and laws - Otto Von Bismarck?

· If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

· The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

· If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

· Did you stop to think, and forget to start again?

· Earth first ... we'll mine the other planets later.

· People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

· Nuke the unborn gay middle eastern whales for Jesus.

· The Idiots Guide to the Zen of Dummies in a Nutshell in Seven Days, Unleashed

· Support prayers in public schools: Give harder tests

· Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

· "Smile" said the Lord, "things could be worse" so I did, and they were ;-(

· I'm a dislexic athiest: There is no DOG.

· I'm a frisbitarian: I believe that when you die, your spirit floats up onto a roof and stays there.

· I'm a diagnostic: I question the existance of TWO gods.

· Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

· My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

· You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

· I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

· I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here.

· OK, I'm weird, but I'm saving up to be eccentric.

· Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

· I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

· I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

· Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

· I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

· So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute!

· Dyslexics have more fnu.

· Clones are people, two.

· Entropy isn't what it used to be.

· Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

· Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

· Eschew obfuscation.

· 186,000 miles/sec (300,000km/sec): Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

· 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!

· Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

· Editing is a rewording activity.

· Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

· IN CASE OF RIOT, BREAK GLASS

· My reality check just bounced.

· We're not surrounded, we're in a target-rich environment!

· Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

· What if there were no hypothetical questions?

· Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

· No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

· Nudists forget to clothes the door too.

· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

· I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

· 90% of all statistics are made up"

· "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

· A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

· Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.

· Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'

· Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

· Bordom can be terminal: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

· What we say about others says more about us than about them.

CHINESE PROVERBS (with appologies to all of Asian decent) (warning: some are crude)

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Bumper stickers for women

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

George Carlin still is alive and cool! Remember these?

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
30. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
31. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
32. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
33. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
34. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids?
35. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
36. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
37. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
38. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

You Know

You are getting old when...

...you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

The Number 1 Sign You Have Nothing to Do at Work... The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
Success...

At age 3, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little".
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding.
At age 35, success is about career and family.
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings.
At age 70, success is "gettin' a little".
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants.

Dolly Parton

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

Erica Jong

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."

Wendy Liebman

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Lizz Winstead

"I think - therefore I'm single."

Hedy Lamarr

"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

Elayne Boosler

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

Margaret Thatcher

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."

Gloria Steinem

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."

Katharine Hepburn

"Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."

Linda Ellerbee

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Advice

Stories

Accident reports

Hint: it involves the the words "can't, won't, and never"

Real Life Dilberts

De fun itions

Coffee

Disclaimers

Advice

...to young men

...to young women

...about cats

Quotes

You Know

Advice

Stories

Politicians Say the Darndest Things...

Typos and Misquotes

How to be wrong in a big way...

Real Life Dilberts

De fun itions