1. Call the Q-tip help line. Tell them you were cleaning your ears and the tip came off inside your ear. When they start telling you what to do, Say (very loudly) WHAT? WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, WHAT.... WHAT...
2. Go up to an Amish man (and very excitedly) asking for his autograph. When he refuses (as he will) Say in a questioning tone... “Aren’t you that guy from ZZ Top?” When he says no, grab your autograph book and run to another Amish man and do the same thing.
3. Call a tobacco shop and say... “This is Prince Albert, any message for me while I was in the can?”
4. Drink a can of “Super bulk 2000" and a can of “Slim-fast” and let them fight it out inside your stomach.
5. Go to a large amusement park (like six flags) and find a bus that is unloading kids. Get in front of them, and ask the ticket agent to count them as they go in. When they tell you “that was 28", look at them and say “oh, I thought it was 29”, then turn and leave.
6. Fill your "inflate-a-date" with helium, and let it float down the main street in your town, while you chase after it yelling "get back here you ungrateful hussy…. She meant nothing to me…. Lots of people raise sheep..."
7. Stand in front of a bank and ask people if they have change for a nickel
8. Call a funeral home and ask, “hypothetically speaking, if someone was to bury a body in their basement, how long would it take for the neighbors to notice the smell?”
9. Go to a gun shop and discuss what to buy with your invisible friend. A nervous twitch may also enhance your visit.
10. Get an old check pad and cut off the checks leaving about a ¼” margin. Then glue $20 bills to the tabs. Place the pad in your checkbook and go to a crowded store to spend them, tearing them out one at a time, along the perforation.
11. In a crowded bar, watch the TV weather report. When it gets to the part about the high and low pressure fronts, point at the TV while running outside screaming “ a giant H is about to drop on the city! “
12. Call an abuse hotline, and tell them you’re hooked on phonics
13. In a store, get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
14. Go to a large store and set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
15. Go to any large store or mall and make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
16. Walk up to a store employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
17. Tune all the radios in the store to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
18. Go to Wal-Mart and challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
19. Put M&M's on lay-a-way.
20. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas, (works well in stores and at work).
21. Rope off your cubical with “Crime scene, do not cross” tape, and tell your boss you can’t work till the case is solved.
22. Set up a tent in the Wal-Mart camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Wonder aimlessly in a department store, then when someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
24. Look right into a security camera, and use it as a mirror while you comb your hair or pick your nose.
25. At toys R us, take up an entire aisle by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
26. Ask people at random if they have any Grey Poupon.
27. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
28. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
29. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
30. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of a store, bank, doctors office, etc..
31. In the automotive department, or store, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
32. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!"
33. When in a crowded store and an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
34. If the store or mall has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
35. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
36. Without changing your voice, page yourself to meet yourself in your office.
37. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
38. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
39. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. For added effect, pretend it is talking back.
40. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
41. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
42. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
43. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
44. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasally Howard Cosell voice.
45. Highlight irrelevant information and "cc:" them to your boss.
46. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
47. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
48. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
49. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
50. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you got the last one.'
51. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
52. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
53. When the phone rings, answer by saying "Kim Komando Show. You're on the air."
54. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'
55. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
56. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
57. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
58. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
59. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insist upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
That is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.
35 Fun Things to do While Driving
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview
mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out
your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put
sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended
and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk
to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their
butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the
roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Arkansas, Alabama or Kentucky.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...
a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're
in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at
your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you,
then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
